How to react to a relapse?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by blue is everywhere, Sep 16, 2020.

  1. blue is everywhere

    blue is everywhere Fapstronaut

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    I'm so tired of this; these ups and downs, when you feel your relationship goes from being extremely beautiful, kind, calm, hopeful until you're back to that exact same point of despair over and over again.
    My BF tries to quit since years. These last few months were particularly tough, as he went from strong abuse of P again, to phases of abstinence, that lasted longer than he ever managed before (1/2 months).
    He was close to the 2 months now. I just began to feel better. My anxiety would calm down, I stopped asking me harmful questions every day, I could sleep better, I was less paranoid, more confident... I really thought, that this time could work, that it could be "the one for good".
    We were together for these 2 months almost 24/7. I just left yesterday and it happened again not even a whole day after I left him alone at his father's place. I don't know how to react to this anymore. I feel betrayed, hurt, shocked, disgusted, again. I'm moving to a new city for him in a week! No explanations, nothing but "sorry, it happened again, I don't know why and I feel so guilty and stupid."
    So now what? Ignore him? Hard to do when I'm changing my place to live in a few days for him. Ignore my pain? Obviously can't do that. Start a scene again? That wouldn't bring anything.
    I tried everything before already; I got angry, sad, understanding, but nothing seems to work really.
    So if you have any tip on how to react to this...
     
    Last edited: Sep 16, 2020
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  2. dandausa

    dandausa Fapstronaut

    This podcast episode could help --> https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podca...icted-the-expert/id1208799616?i=1000453587110

    I'm honestly not sure what the best response is. I think it's good that he told you. Or did you have to ask him? If he told you without you asking then that's good progress. However, it sounds like he's needing to start recovering by getting some more connection with a sponsor/a recovery group.
     
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  3. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Get counseling for yourself. Very few ever get into recovery for this. Prepare yourself for many, many more relapses. Understand that marriage and kids makes the addiction worse. It’s the stress. Just know, you are changing your life to do life with a sex addict. I’m sure you know that you can’t always be with him and the fact that the moment you left he relapsed, speakers volumes about where he is at in terms of trying to get into recovery. How I wish this information had been around 33 years ago. You, have knowledge that many do not and did not have. Use it! Learn everything you can about addiction, about betrayal trauma. Life is much, much harder with an addict.
     
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  4. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    There is a difference between being sober and being in recovery. Being sober simply means he's not acting out. He's white knuckling it. Being in recovery means he is actively working on himself. It means he is seeking out professional help through therapy or a 12 step program with a sponsor. He's reading books or listening to podcasts about overcoming sex addiction. He is doing the emotional work to learn how he got to this point and how to avoid it from now on. He's learning new coping skills. He's being open about his feelings and transparent about everything with you. The list goes on. If he is not doing these things, he is not serious about wanting change andnrelapse is inevitable.
     
  5. p1n1983

    p1n1983 Fapstronaut

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    So you should know already that he is an addict and is not getting any better. He can try but he show you already he is loosing the fight against his addiction.

    It's really easy. Are you happy with the relationship? Is this a fulfilling relationship for you? If the answer is no... why are you still with him? A healthy person with their shit together wouldn't put up with all this crap for that many years without leaving.

    Is not you job to fix him, you supported him for years and that's all you can do for him, he is the one that need to fix himself, you did your part but he didn't. He is making you suffer each time he relapse. your life is a roller-coaster of emotions because of that and that is not healthy at all in a relationship and life.

    Now let's talk about you. Why are you dating and addict? don't you think you can do better? maybe you have self-steam problems and are afraid of been alone. You are afraid of starting again from scratch and find another person that have his shit together. Why are you still trying to work things out with a guy that is a mess. You really need to figure that out, the problem is not that he is an addict, the problem is that you are dating an addict. Instead dating a healthy guy you are still choosing to stay with a guy that is damaged, that tells me you are also damage in some way.
    If you can't find what it is you can go and talk to a specialist to figure that out. you are not going to find a solution here.
     
  6. Love2LongBoard

    Love2LongBoard Fapstronaut

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    Set firm boundaries and live by them. My wife asked me to move out, and guess what, I started working at my recovery harder than ever. Very few men ever find the inner strength alone to make the changes they need to make with lasting success. Usually there is an outside motivator that helps give them a kick.

    Stop thinking about what HE is doing. Figure out what YOU should do. Do you want to be in a relationship with a man who is addicted? If not, make some serious firm boundaries. You could then share those boundaries with him and let him decided how he wants to move forward.

    If you are okay with being with him during his recovery, then decided which behaviors you are not okay with and share those with him. You do not have to be at the mercy of his ups and downs. Life is hard enough without worrying about your partner relapsing every day. The fact that he took the first opportunity he had to act out shows a lot about where he is at.

    If my daughter were dating a guy like that I would tell her to get away, find some space and clarity, and then let him make the changes he needs to make before reengaging.
     
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  7. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    I just have to point out that your response, even if its well intended is quite mean. The part about if the relationship makes you happy and stuff, fine thats a legit question. But pointing out that someone must be damaged to be in a relationship with an addict, pointing the finger towards the SO and not the PA is a bit uncalled for.

    For me as an SO this triggerd me alot, and it wasn't even directed at me. I went spiraling into selfdubt and started blaming myself for what I have been trough. Its a bit like all of those standard comments like why did you wear a short dress if you didn't want that guy to grab your ass. You put the blame on the victim, not the abuser.

    And yea, we are all damaged. I dont think a single person isn't damaged in some way or another. And for some that turns into addiction, for others lack of confidence and self worth that makes it easy for an addict to pray upon. But regardless you are accountable for your own actions, and in your case: words can hurt more then you know.
     
    6thGear and blue is everywhere like this.
  8. p1n1983

    p1n1983 Fapstronaut

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    Why someone that is not damage want to be whit a damaged person when she can have a healthy and more happier relationship with a person that is in a good place as her?
    But if she settles for a demaged guy is probably that she is damaged too. So I point that out so she can think about why are she putting up with his SO addiction.

    Because you are damaged you think that everybody is damaged, and is not like that. there are a lot of people that are just fine living happy life without any addiction.

    Think about why you take it personally, people that are healthy, confident and don't give a f*k about what other people think would never take it personally. As you said you doubt yourself so instead of saying that everybody is demaged, work in yourself to fix yourself and became a healthy confident guy.

    Not at all, if a guy grab some girls ass for showing to much is abuse, she didn't consent to ne touched. But OP is willingly in a relationship with this guy. Complaining about his SO addiction and lack of progress but at the end of the day she is the one choosing him to be his boyfriend, so both scenarios has nothing to do with this. And in this case she is responsible for her decisions so she is no the victim.
     
  9. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    As a Christian, I believe we are all damaged to a degree. Some people are healthier than others and some people may not be healthier, but have a better support system. There are so many factors that surround why a person would stay. Trauma bonding. Finances. Children. A support system. I do, have a hard time understanding why anyone would stay if they weren’t married and didn’t have children. However, trauma bonding may be even stronger than normal bonding. I don’t know, I don’t suffer from that. However, I think it “ how” you say what you are saying and not what. For instance, I know that married men who hide this addiction and refuse to come clean with their spouse will stay addicted. This addiction thrives in secrecy and talking about it is a driving factor in getting clean. I also believe those men to be incredibly selfish and entitled. They are lying to their spouse under the guise of protecting them, while at the same time participating in something that destroys most marriages and spouses. When a new married addict comes on, I ask if the spouse knows and if they don’t, I explain why it’s always better to be honest. I try to word it in such a way that they don’t feel blamed or shamed. That doesn’t always work, but I try. As an addict, you lack empathy. It comes across clearly in your post. I’m not saying you’re wrong. However, it could be said in a kinder way. Then again, so much is lost in words written not spoken.
     
  10. blue is everywhere

    blue is everywhere Fapstronaut

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    I am speechless before so much nonsense.
    Yes it is my choice and responsibility to believe in this relationship. Obviously, it is beautiful and strong and worth it, if I decided I wanted to try to work it out, even though this addiction makes it more than difficult sometimes. I am responsible for myself and my way of taking care of myself in the best way I can. But I am not responsible for his addiction and there is no reason ever a SO should feel guilty about their sadness or whatever feelings that the addiction triggers.
    I'm "damaged" you say. Yes maybe. I've been through my lot of sh*t already, and that before the addiction of my boy. Yes I have scars of a difficult past. But this isn't a "fault". It can be a strength if I want to and so it is.

    I'm trying to be understanding as much as I can, so I can get a chance to see this relationship heal. Because I think it is worth it. I don't give up just now. Obviously, I will go at some point, if time shows that I was wrong thinking it could evolve in a porn-free life. But I want to believe in our chances first. This doesn't mean I am not thinking of myself. This means I am capable of love and empathy and am willing to give it a try.
     
  11. p1n1983

    p1n1983 Fapstronaut

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    This is what you do for a guy that deserves it. because he makes you so happy, but..
    You are making it for a guy that make you feel like that.. and after a relapse just say..
    Are you sure?? how many years are you going to waste in this guy that after years of trying to quit he is always back to porn the second he is not with you?

    Nonsense is doing the same over and over again waiting a different result. You are complaining about him and his addictions, the way he makes you feel bad about it and you are still with him. Instead of moving on and find a guy that have his shit together.. you are still putting up with his crap.. or you accept the fact he is and addict and live with it and let he be, or you move on.
     
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  12. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Please understand that you are very young and as his addiction escalates things will get far, far worse. Obviously he is not trying to get into recovery. He’s white knuckling for you, which will never be successful. Your relationship will deteriorate when you move in with him. It will deteriorate even further if you have kids. I do want to ask “ if your relationship is so beautiful, why should he quit porn?”. I know my relationship is not so beautiful, I’ve known since 6 months into our marriage. Porn addicts are selfish, unable to be intimate, unable to empathize. That doesn’t mean that we were mean to one another, or fight all the time, or disrespect one another. It meant my husband chose to work 70+ hours a week under the umbrella of providing for his family. It meant he was impatient and short tempered. It meant he would jump at the chance to help a friend but “ forget” simple things I had asked help with. It meant he lacked self control with money. It meant that he dismissed things that were important to me but not things that were important to him. These things got worse as time went by. Once he started getting clean, everything changed, once he started actually getting into recovery, there were even more changes. Like your boyfriend, my husband has been fighting to stop this addiction his entire life. His entire life. At 51, he’s finally having some success. Are you willing to live like this for that long? Expect repeated relapses. Get use to it and find a way to detach from him and focus on yourself. Make yourself happy, do not lie to yourself about his addiction. Most of us do, especially in the beginning. Took me 10 years of marriage to figure this out.
     
  13. LoliPoppp

    LoliPoppp New Fapstronaut

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    Relationships are hard work.
     
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  14. Love2LongBoard

    Love2LongBoard Fapstronaut

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    https://www.btr.org/ This is the best resources my spouse has found. You can find a community of women here who understand what you are going through.
     
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  15. abc12345678ia

    abc12345678ia Fapstronaut

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    One thing I can say as an addicted personality. It's not how many times he relapsed it's how many time he gets s back up and tries again.

    The question really is I think how much time and grace you want to give him to get better.

    This coming from me I relapsed yesterday too. I went 13 days no masterbation 8 days no porn and O'd four times today. Saw that anger and frustration lead me to it.

    But thrithfully this 13 days since MO and 8 days P is longest I've gone since 12 years old, am 52 now. So in forty years I never thought I would get 3 days with either.

    Now one day at a time like hard drugs alcohal. My goal is no porn 30 days no masterbation 30 days and only Orgasm with a live real woman at 30 day mark not to ever masturbate again if possible.

    After 30 days no porn no masturbate and fuck woman at will.
     

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