How to rebuild trust.

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by adhib, Dec 22, 2016.

  1. adhib

    adhib Fapstronaut

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    So I posted a rather long winded first post here...
    https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...90-day-challenge-and-here-goes-nothing.84340/

    ...and I received some great responses!
    I'm surprising myself by how well I have been doing over this last week of not watching porn or masturbating.
    There have been almost no temptations for me to watch porn.
    Most of this may be attributed to how shitty I felt about lying to my wife for so long about this and now I am free of that initial guilt.

    Now I'm faced with a different problem.

    How do I rebuild the trust and respect in my wife that I tore apart over the last 10 years of being deceitful?
    How can she believe me when I say I'm not watching porn when I lied for so long about it?

    I guess my main problem is wanting to show her that I'm serious about kicking this problem out of my life and focusing on our relationship/family.

    Any thoughts are more than welcome!

    Thanks!
    -Adam
     
  2. AllanTheCowboy

    AllanTheCowboy Fapstronaut

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    If anyone has an idea for doing this when she refuses all forms of communication, I would also very much like to hear.
     
  3. iwmsgan

    iwmsgan Fapstronaut

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    To answer your question, there is nothing you can do. Meaning there is no check list or five simple steps to where she will about-face in her mind and say "Oh yeah, I trust him" It takes TIME.

    That said, You and I know shy doesn't have a reason to not trust you know. It can be hard to explain that to her, because she feels betrayed, but if/when you have a chance to have another heart-to-heart try to steer her to understanding a few points.

    1) I lied to you because I was ashamed. I did not want you to know about this porn habit, because it makes you think less of me.
    2) Now you know.
    3) The cat is out of the bag, the genie is out of the bottle, I can't go back and erase that from your knowledge, you will always know my shameful secret
    4) There is no point for me to lie to you anymore, because you already know.
     
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  4. iwmsgan

    iwmsgan Fapstronaut

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    Are you familiar with the book "the five love languages"? Or have you seen the movie Fireproof? It's helpful if you have but not 100% necessary.

    So here is what you do. (You're not going to like this) You set aside like 90 days or some set time frame and regardless of any wrong she may have ever done to you in your entire life, you treat her like a queen and you act like a slave, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for those 90 days. You cook, clean, take care of the kids, wash the dog, go to work, wake up early, etc. You sacrifice every single one of your hobbies for those 90 days, put them on a shelf.

    During these 90 days, you will not gripe, moan, complain, insult or grumble. You will shut the hell up and take this like a man.

    Here is the important part. If your wife likes to talk, then you shut down everything and talk. If your wife really appreciates gifts then you bring home little gifts OFTEN, maybe not everyday, but dude you better be picking up $2-3 little trinkets and bring them home like "I saw this and thought of you". If your wife likes to be touched, then you put some bengay on those forearms, because you're gonna be rubbing some feet/shoulders for 90 days.

    That's the gist of it, any questions, let me know.

    My wife is an 'acts of service' lover, and I cleaned house like never before for my 90 days.
     
  5. AllanTheCowboy

    AllanTheCowboy Fapstronaut

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    Yeah I don't think you understand what I mean by refuses all forms of communication. She moved out. She won't answer phone calls, texts, IM's, emails, or letters.
     
  6. adhib

    adhib Fapstronaut

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    Just read this to my wife, she can't agree with you more!
     
  7. iwmsgan

    iwmsgan Fapstronaut

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    Okay, yeah sorry, I thought you meant she wasn't talking to you, didn't know you were separated. Are there lawyers involved? Did she say she needed space/time?

    Bro that wasn't your advice, that was for Allan... Plus you don't TELL them what your doing, ESPECIALLY how long, you just do it until they come around. Sucks to be you for the next 90.
     
  8. AllanTheCowboy

    AllanTheCowboy Fapstronaut

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    She says she wants a divorce, but hasn't taken any action. Hard to say. Either way I'm in it until we are separated by death. If she divorces me, I'll still honor our marriage. If she remarries, I'll still honor our marriage. Doesn't matter what happens; just got to keep going, and doing what is right. I'd go on, but it gets pretty intensely Catholic from here on out, and that's not what this thread is about.
     
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  9. iwmsgan

    iwmsgan Fapstronaut

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    That's a tough spot, I'll be praying for you. I do recommend that book the 5 love languages. It really did open my eye to how different people perceive love. It never would of dawned on me otherwise that my wife could perceive acts of service (like vacuuming) as love.
     
  10. September

    September Fapstronaut

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    Allan, that is so hard. I pray for you. Is she Catholic too? May be you could ask a father to talk to her?
    Actually I think she needs time and your prayers. How long is she absent? I suppose 1-2 years may be needed for trauma to be healed. And trauma is bigger if she values purity more than an average person as she is a beliver.

    For the topic starter: do your best to avoid oggling in public, looking at P-subs, spending much time on web for a long time. I'd say for a year, but I don't know how easy or hard it is for you. She needs to know that the changes are longterm.
     
  11. AllanTheCowboy

    AllanTheCowboy Fapstronaut

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    No P, sext/role play chat, M, or O for 553 days (except 2 wet dreams), no role play subs for 16 months, no p-subs for 13 months. Honestly I don't even have to try anymore.

    She was struggling with her faith since about 13 months ago, and was still when we last talked about it in therapy in February. I have no idea now, but I've received many signal graces that make me optimistic for her soul. Mary sure wasn't kidding about that first Rosary promise. I mean WOW.
     
  12. SnowWhite

    SnowWhite Fapstronaut

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    That's the most awful situation.
    It's like running against empty space.

    In this situation, you can do these things:

    a) Understand that she has fears, and she is fleeing from you
    b) When you run after her, she will flee more
    c) Therefore, offer her some opportunities, and just wait. Reach out your hand and wait.
    d) If she comes back to you, then go slowly with her.
    e) If the situation gets not better, than you should consider a separation. But never threaten with this. You should honestly want to go with her. Only if you see no movement at all, then make a cut.
     
  13. SnowWhite

    SnowWhite Fapstronaut

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    First, you need to establish trust in yourself.

    In short: Don't talk around, just do.
    The only thing you can do is to make things which will re-establish trust in you.
    And this will take a while.

    And when you are doing and working, you get into a positive-loop. You become happy just by the act wof working, and by doing more and more things, you re-establish the trust in yourself.
     
  14. SnowWhite

    SnowWhite Fapstronaut

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    Your post is very good, although for me, it goes too far. You should not become a slave, because that goes even more into the contra direction.

    But I appreciate the idea of establishing trust just by taking action and not talking around.
     
  15. SnowWhite

    SnowWhite Fapstronaut

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    Just BTW, there's a nice quote which really helps to establish inner trust: :

    Everything is good in the end.
    If it's not good, it's not the end.

     
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  16. September

    September Fapstronaut

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    I know you are doing good. That advice was for the topicstarter.
    What is Rosary promise? I'd like to know.
    I struggle with not trusting. I wish there could be a receipe how to rebuild that.
     
  17. SnowWhite

    SnowWhite Fapstronaut

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    People will trust you, when you have trust in yourself.


    Which means:
    1. You present yourself like you are, without hiding anything
    2. You have your very own idea of life and you are following it
    3. You have a clear opinion about persons and topics, and you are not bending yourself.
    With this, you become a charismatic person, and a "true" person. People will trust you.

    They will trust you even if you have heavy "negative" sides. But it's better to have a negative side and to show it publicy, than to hide it.
    When you hide anything, people will always smell that something is strange.
     
  18. AllanTheCowboy

    AllanTheCowboy Fapstronaut

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    15 promises of the rosary: http://www.themostholyrosary.com/15promises.htm
     
  19. AllanTheCowboy

    AllanTheCowboy Fapstronaut

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    [/QUOTE
    Already separated for 18 months.
     
  20. SnowWhite

    SnowWhite Fapstronaut

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    Separated, no communication? Well, then consider it to be final.

    Maybe, in a couple of years, you will come together again.
    Or you can have a normal friendship.
    Depends on you, it's different for each couple.
     

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