Hello! I've been watching porn for which I consider is extreme fetish kind. It is bisexual, sissy, and submissive pornography. It is something I like during masturbation, but I feel immediate disgust after ejaculating. It is something I wouldn't like to experience in real life. My problem is that it got into my head and sometimes a random video would play in my head and I'd have to look at it, and since I have no self control, I end up ruining my streak. This type of pornography destroyed me in a way that I question is anything I do considered to be not straight. (How I talk or sit etc.) I need serious help and I hope someone from here who had similar experience can help me. I know that I like women/girls but I have read about Homosexual OCD and it seems that I have that too.
Hey man, I have dealt with similar stuff (you should check out my other posts if you want). I am new to recovering from this so I don't have ton of advice but I did have a 31 day streak, relapsed, and am now on day 6 again. I can relate to feeling disgusted, confused, and almost violated after watching that stuff. One thing that really helped me was realizing that just because I can get hard to it and finish to it, how it made me feel as well as me being fairly certain of my "true sexual tastes" showed me that I don't actually like that content and it's really just porn that I escalated to due to addiction. My biggest piece of advice is to not stress about it or worry about it. In fact think about it as little as possible, if you do that the memories will be less fresh in your mind and you can carry on through life thinking about it much less, I don't even like how I'm slightly thinking about old videos while writing this. I also find that thinking about sex in general as little as possible (ie. no PMO) can help a lot too as it can be very confusing. What I find motivates me is knowing that taking care of addiction will get rid of this problem and everyday that I abstain from porn I get better.
I can explain it to you. PMO is mostly an Internet Addiction. It has little to do with sex. P represents an extreme form of internet content. We escalate from simple internet content to more extreme internet content. At first, we are satisfied looking at still images on our low-resolution digital screens. Then we want 240p videos. Then 360p videos. Etc, and so on. The fetish that you have is not a real sexual fetish. It is a learned behavior that generates lots of dopamine spikes in your brain. Abstain from PMO and you will feel these fetishes fading from your mind. During recovery, your brain will fantasize a lot. It will generate many images and flashbacks. But this is not a relapse. It is actually healing. So first quit PMO and start building your life offline. Socialize, go out in-public and rewire your brain to the natural world again. Next, you need a strategy for avoiding relapse in the future. I recommend you strictly regulate your smartphone and laptop for functional and professional purposes only. Don't use your devices for hedonism and excessive recreation because it always leads to self-sabotage and temptation. I wrote a post with the only strategy that worked for me. I didn't have any extreme fetishes, but I did seek out certain forms of content that gave me a huge rush versus other forms that became disinteresting. So I think some of my ideas may still be applicable to you. https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/my-1-tip-change-your-environment.288435/
