How to respond to defensive hubby and why is he so?

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by alphazingersalsa, Jul 12, 2019.

  1. alphazingersalsa

    alphazingersalsa Fapstronaut

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    Hello!

    My soon to be ex husband and I still live in the same house. He is about to file for divorce. Because we have an infant daughter, I try my very best to be cordial and kind, even. However he is constantly defensive when I ask

    about ANYTHING. I know my “snooping” has put him on the edge so now he thinks all my questions point to mistrust or suspicion about an affair (Im

    convinces he has an affair but he vehemently denies it)

    He is downright MEAN and cant even accord the kindness any human is entitled to, much more the mother of HIS child and at some point, his

    wife (technicall ans legallly still his wife)

    What is the best way to respond to

    him?

    Why is he doing this? Why cany he

    even be kind to me?? We are going towards the Divorce anyway which HE wants and

    he cant even be kind and respectful? He

    claims hes being “nice” but I’m

    only looking for something else he cannot give ut he cant even look at me.
     
    Wugazi32 likes this.
  2. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Short answer would be SHAME and GUILT.
     
  3. Pretty much sums it up. I imagine he is feeling a ton of shame and guilt, and out of control. Is he in any sort of recovery? Do you have any additional support? Sorry you are going through this:(. I went through something similar when *&$^$& hit the fan. It turned into his 'life is out of control/hitting bottom' time and it was killer for me and the kids to live in that unknown. I couldn't keep up with the craziness and, and pretty much had to have a therapist sit me down and spell out that I was being emotionally abused. I was losing it too. Not to long after that I moved out with the kids while he went through a very dark time. Survival mode! For us, separation ended up being the best thing. It is not easy to navigate. I encourage you to do what you need to be safe, try to disengage (super difficult), do a lot of self care (even real simple things like smelling a relaxing scent, or listening to calming music can help slow down and calm the mind. Try what works for you), and have a bag packed in case you need to up and leave. Even though you are in process to divorce, you deserve to be safe. Hang in there.
     
  4. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Excellent post and so true
     
  5. NFWHDTM

    NFWHDTM New Fapstronaut

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    Hi Alpha,

    I went through the exact same thing for the last two years. He blames me for everything, even now. My PA is also filing for a divorce. We are still living together due to finances, but only as roommates. May I ask what is your PA's reason for wanting a divorce? My spouse's reason is so off the wall it's actually funny. I think Warrior's post sums up what we need to do for ourselves.
     
  6. alphazingersalsa

    alphazingersalsa Fapstronaut

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    because he’s sick of the loop of our arguing...our relationship is broken and cannot be fixed and im a controlling brat he cant handle anymore. Hes given everything and it’s never enough for me
     

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