How to trust men again?

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by cvicious, Nov 12, 2017.

  1. cvicious

    cvicious Fapstronaut

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    Good evening everyone.
    I recently ended a 4 year relationship with a man I love dearly who is hopelessly addicted to PMO and also an SA.

    He refused to change his ways and has hurt me countless times over the span of our relationship. I have begged, pleaded and cried to get him to change and it absolutely was not happening.

    I know it is very early to be thinking about what life will be like when I finally move on, but I have been really thinking about how I will ever trust men again after this level of betrayal and pain.

    I previously spent 8 years with an alcoholic. Although his addiction did hurt and affect me, it was not the same as my PMO and SA partner. What he did was a betrayal.

    I'm having a hard time trying to believe I will ever meet a trust worthy man. Every relationship I've ever been in has ended badly and involved so many lies and betrayal. All I want is honesty and trust, but that seems impossible to find.

    I guess what I'm asking is, how can I work on trusting men again? How will I know if I can trust a man? How can I bring these things up without sounding crazy? I would not want to just come out and say "are you an SA?"

    Thanks to anyone who can give advice, this community has been so helpful to me
     
  2. TheBigBadWolf

    TheBigBadWolf Fapstronaut

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    It's very hard to find the right Woman out there for most of us guys. The same applies to when the script is flipped. What I would recommend doing is writing down a few things that you really admire in a partner, and then a few things that you can't accept. Then when you start a relationship or dating another guy you can have sort of a filter to help you stick to your values and find a man who doesn't resemble or have characteristics of these bad men you have been dating. The unfortunate reality is that there aren't very many "real" men out there, just like there aren't very many "real" women. Corey Wayne is a life coach who I have high respect for. He implies that the guys who are confident, ambitious, and are centered in their masculine core(stick to their values and morals as a man) only make up about 3% of men out there. I recommend you don't settle for a man who doesn't stick to his guns and who has those things about him(alcoholic, cheater, etc.) that you can't deal with in a romantic partner. I wish you the best of luck!

    -TheBigBadWolf
     
  3. I would suggest taking a break. Maybe allow yourself to recover from all this. My guess is that you're not in a good place emotionally right now, so jumping back into a relationship in that state of mind could potentially attract another toxic person. Get yourself feeling positive again and you'll have a better chance to attract positive into your life. All the best to you:)
     
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  4. cvicious

    cvicious Fapstronaut

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    Amazing, thank you! I need to stick to my values and not settle for someone who doesn't fit into them. That's depressing to hear only 3% of men do the same..
     
    LEPAGE likes this.
  5. cvicious

    cvicious Fapstronaut

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    Definetly not looking to get into a relationship for a very long time. At this time, the thought of ever trusting men again is so far out to me, I can't even imagine it
     
  6. Plutonium

    Plutonium Fapstronaut

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    I'm sorry to read how you've been dealt a couple of bad hands. Though interesting to note that you found PMO and SA to be worse than AA in your partner. Would I be right in thinking that his SA was worse than his PMO? I assume your second long-term partner was serially unfaithful to you.

    To answer your question I would argue the following points - based on quite a few years of observation of my fellow male in the (wrong) environments:

    1) Most (all?) men would eventually be unfaithful in a certain environment.

    2) Faithfulness in (most, all?) men requires willpower. It is not natural and runs against our instincts.

    3) Willpower is, of course, a resource that can be both depleted and replenished.

    4) Opportunities for unfaithfulness and resisting sexual temptations quickly deplete a man's willpower.

    5) In an environment where temptations deplete willpower faster than it can be replenished a man will cheat. If or how quickly this happens depends on all the usual variables (sex drive, mood, opportunities, resilience, condition of relationships, past experiences etc.)

    So your quest is not to learn to blindly trust men again - don't! It is better to understand men and make sure you create an environment together which grows his willpower and doesn't deplete it.

    Some men, of course, should never (ever!) be trusted. So how to tell whether a particular man can be? The profile you want is the classic family man/ gentleman type, and someone who understands and is honest about the importance of resisting temptations.

    As an example - and I don't mean this politically - Mike Pence never has dinner alone with another woman other than his wife. That is the type of man who understands the weaknesses of men and can be trusted.

    There are good men out there, it's just good men understand that being a good man is not always natural and takes considerable effort.

    Best wishes for getting back on your feet. You certainly deserve a good guy next - third time lucky!
     
    cvicious likes this.
  7. Yanis

    Yanis Fapstronaut

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    First find it in yourself.

    First trust yourself.

    Very good answer.

    As long as you have not learned to be happy being alone you will not get happy in a relationship for long time. Accept yourself, like yourself, love yourself.
     
    cvicious likes this.
  8. Theguywiththething

    Theguywiththething Fapstronaut

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    I would say just give it time. Go about your business and live your life. When you encounter the right man, you will know.
     
    cvicious likes this.
  9. noonoon

    noonoon Fapstronaut

    i think the better question you need to be asking is why do you keep falling for these types of guys? There is something in this addictive personality that is attractive to you. Figure that out first, and then maybe you have a better chance at avoiding these addictive personalities.
     
  10. cvicious

    cvicious Fapstronaut

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    Thanks very much for your insight. You're correct, his SA was worse than his PMO addiction and he was chronically unfaithful.

    What you've said it's exactly what my mentor at work described to me. He told me that he personally struggles with it every day and he does exactly as you stated and never puts himself into a position of temptation, and he tries to create an environment where he only thinks of his wife. I guess he is one of the rare "good guys"...

    So what you're both telling me is that all men inherently want to cheat? That makes me feel even more averse to the idea of a relationship actually working out...

    Why do men get into committed relationship if their true desire is to cheat?
     
  11. cvicious

    cvicious Fapstronaut

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    As I already said, not even remotely interested in a relationship and won't be for a long time.

    I honestly have no idea how to trust myself. I don't think I can..I keep making horrible decisions when it comes to men..
     
  12. cvicious

    cvicious Fapstronaut

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    I thought I met the right man when my ex came around. It took almost a year for me to discover his PMO addiction and SA, by then we had just moved in together... sniffing out an alcoholic is pretty easy for me after spending 8 years with one, but I really don't know how I could tell if someone is a pmo or sa without straight up asking.
     
  13. cvicious

    cvicious Fapstronaut

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    Do you think it is just this type of guy? I don't think I'm actively seeking them out. My alcoholic ex was a friend from the age of 14. We went to highschool together and I knew he partied a lot back then, we even partied together in our teenage years. We came together romantically about 7 years later, I was young, I knew he drank a lot but I didn't think he was an alcoholic. I think I was more so young and naive.

    My most recent ex,I liked him initially because he seemed to be very put together. I thought he was one of the characteristic "good guys"he just seemed like a normal guy. At first, I did notice his obsession with the chive app on his phone, but at the time I thought he was just being a guy and didn't realize the chive app was nothing compared to what he was hiding...
     
  14. Plutonium

    Plutonium Fapstronaut

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    No. This is definitely not what I was saying.

    Man's natural, base instincts are towards unfaithfulness. We are driven to sow our seeds, so to speak. However, many men consciously wish to be faithful to their SO, and honor their marriage vows, for example. There is thus an ongoing internal struggle within each man between these two competing, incompatible ends.

    While I firmly believe nearly every man would eventually be unfaithful in an environment where willpower cannot be maintained - eg if daily surrounded by beautiful, available ladies - many men would still be very upset with themselves for giving in to such temptations.

    As an analogy - imagine a shopaholic woman determined not to buy anything. If she were to spend every day in a shoe shop it is highly likely she would eventually crack and buy a pair. That is man in a nutshell. The secret therefore to a faithful marriage is to first find a good man and then keep him as far away from the "shoe shops" as possible.
     
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  15. cvicious

    cvicious Fapstronaut

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    Maybe it's not natural for humans to be in relationships... Maybe that's why they never work
     
  16. Take a nice long vacation. (It will help you calm down, so you can focus on the next point)

    Then take a good look at yourself. A really good look.
    Chances are you're attracting the wrong type of people to you because of some particular behaviour you are exhibiting (I'm NOT saying that something is wrong with you, I'm just saying that maybe there's something that needs improvement, or some particular thought process that needs changing).
     
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  17. Plutonium

    Plutonium Fapstronaut

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    You definitely need a break from thinking about men...

    I think thousands of years of human history is very compelling evidence against you.

    Human relationships are wholly natural. But ensuring these relationships work long-term takes considerable effort.

    Everything is going to be ok. I'm sure you'll find a good guy - likely when you least expect it. Take care.
     
    cvicious likes this.
  18. Rodrigov600

    Rodrigov600 Fapstronaut

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    I highly recommend Corey Wayne as well, he will provide a lot of insight and define what to look out for to avoid potential betrayal and heartache.
     
    cvicious likes this.
  19. cvicious

    cvicious Fapstronaut

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    I think I'm pretty jaded at this point, and yes definetly need a long break from dating
     
    Plutonium likes this.
  20. cvicious

    cvicious Fapstronaut

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    Thank you, I will look into Corey Wayne, are there videos or books I could read? Any that you recommend? Thanks guys for all your insight
     

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