How to trust men again?

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by cvicious, Nov 12, 2017.

  1. I'm sorry about your ended relationship. They're always tough to go through. But I have to be honest with you in order to give the best advice I can.

    How many relationships have you had? I read exactly two here.

    To be honest, I feel like you're overreacting. Unless you've been in many failed relationships, I fail to see why you could find it difficult to trust men. And this is excluding the possibility that it's not "men" that is the problem, it's you.

    Please understand, I'm not trying to come across as a dick or anything. But right now, excluding your relationship status, I fail to see your plight, especially in regards to the name of this thread.
     
  2. That's one of the most honest statements I've heard all day. Here. Have a like.
     
  3. Plutonium

    Plutonium Fapstronaut

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    That's not how it works. You have just as much right to post on this forum as anyone else and unless I'm very much mistaken this is not a men's club. If anyone ever tells you to quit posting here please just block them. It's easy to do and then problem solved... ;)
     
    cvicious likes this.
  4. @cvicious First of all, I want to commend you for being vulnerable because it’s so hard to find people and places that are safe for us to bear our souls and for the most part in my short time on this site it seems like a pretty judgment free zone. Secondly, maybe find a spiritual practice, I think we as humans try to find true meaning in other people, money, sex, drugs etc but the only way we can find it is through a relationship with the Divine. I am just one transwoman but I’ve found that every time I try to relay on myself to get through things especially with trying to get over my PMO addiction I fail but when I ask for help from others and from God that makes it a lot easier for me to succeed. I can’t speak for anyone else but I use to be pretty introverted myself so I admire the fact that you are so brave on this site.❤️
     
    cvicious likes this.
  5. Nothing is wrong as such.

    It's just that you're doing something wrong and attracting the wrong people.

    For example, the sports loving guy would have a better chance with sports loving girls than other guys.
     
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  6. noonoon

    noonoon Fapstronaut

    I don't know. I only think it's worth considering. Are you like the woman who meets men in bars and then wonder why she's always dating alcoholics? All i'm pointing out (with that example) is that sometimes we may not be aware that we are doing things that attract certain types of people. Therapists can help with this.
     
    cvicious likes this.
  7. Dr_prof

    Dr_prof Fapstronaut

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    @cvicious Take a look at the coolidge effect. Humans are encouraged to eat / reproduce / sex / hunt by biological instincts so the species survive. Part of this is the coolidge effect where variety (ie porn in our case) is so addictive as it has variety and novelty. A continuous supply.

    I have misbehaved in the past with other women and realise that this is partly due to this effect - the novelty of having another woman.

    Perhaps this is what was going on with your partner. Consider looking at COSA which is a group for partners of sex addicts. It seems you keep picking up guys who have addictions.
     
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  8. cvicious

    cvicious Fapstronaut

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    I guess I'm not special. I'm a simple person, I work hard, I'm independent. A minimalist with few material possessions. There's not much to me to be honest.

    What I am is honest to a fault, and incredibly trust worthy and very passionate. I keep my circle very small and very close and I think I give people the benefit of the doubt too often.
     
  9. cvicious

    cvicious Fapstronaut

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    I guess I should have listed every single relationship since the age of 14? Ok here goes, there as my first "boyfriend"at the age of 14 who bullied be into a "relationship" he uses to get off of hitting me, bruising me and belittling me. He would push me to do sexual behaviors that were far beyond my young age and threaten me if I didn't. He finally went on a vacation to another country, I felt safe enough to finally break up with him when he was miles away..

    Then there was my second boyfriend when I was 17. He turned out to be a meth head. Had no respect for me at all, used me for sex and took off with another girl and cheated on me , showed up at my place of work high on meth to meth with said girl and made a huge scene..

    Then there was my fourth. Who my parents loved. He seemed like a great guy, he was good at kissing my parents asses. Behind closed doors, I found out he was doing much the same crap as my PMO addicted ex was doing, also used me for sex and was having a secret relationship Erik and girl behind my back, awesome.

    If you're keeping track, that takes us up to age 20 , when my friend from the age of 14 and I decided we would make a good couple. He's the one with alcoholism...

    Then finally 8 years later, I end up with my SA and PMO partner. You know how that ended after 4 years.

    So no, I haven't had dozens of partners. I've had two very long relationships that took up the last 12 years of my life, and I'm only 31 .. Just posting this because everyone keeps bringing up my only two crappy relationships
     
  10. cvicious

    cvicious Fapstronaut

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    I keep asking my friends what am I don't wrong? Why do I keep picking these guys? It's not like I knew my ex was a PMO addicted and SA.i found that out one year later after we moved in together. I wish I knew what I'm doing wrong
     
  11. cvicious

    cvicious Fapstronaut

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    I have never met a man in a bar, my two longest relationships have been a child hood friend and the second was met on POF. My co worker seems to think meeting people online is a terrible idea
     
  12. cvicious

    cvicious Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your kind reply. I've come to a strange point in my life, and it's changing me a lot. I am naturally very introverted and very much a loner. But I want some change in my life. I want to become stronger and happier, those are my main goals through all this.

    My life is fresh and new right now, I have a new apartment all to myself, I'm in a fulfilling career and looking forward to a bright future. And I want to make some changes in myself, I want to really have a happy relationship at some point. I want to find my soul mate, someone who loves and respects me as much as I love and respect them. Thank you for taking time to respond
     
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  13. cvicious

    cvicious Fapstronaut

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    I just want to state that I'm not saying men are the problem here. I am the problem. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I know I'm doing something wrong.

    I know I need to work on myself, that's actually what this post was about in the first place that's why I chose this particular forum.

    I want to be a happy person,a confident, trusting person
     
    dhammapada126 likes this.
  14. MeTP

    MeTP Fapstronaut

    You must work on yourself and find why you are choosing this kind of men. It seems to me like you have downwritten some patterns that are leading you in choose them. If you will not discover it is very possible you will unconsciously choose the same type of men again and again.
     
  15. Dr_prof

    Dr_prof Fapstronaut

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    @cvicious only 10% of communication is verbal. 90% is non verbal communication. Its like an iceberg where only the tip is seen. In my own recovery I have heard of the phrase SLAADA ( im in SLAA ) - SLAA Radar, where I detect and am attracted to those people who are addicts.

    With further reflection and reading about transactional analysis I realise I like to rescue which encourages the other person to be a child (Im acting as a parent). As addicts tend to be very needy individuals acting as children, I can now see why I end up with friends / relationships who are also addicts.

    Thats why I suggested COSA where they discuss this stuff. Perhaps take a look at Transactional Analysis yourself, it might be an eye opener.
     
    cvicious likes this.
  16. cvicious

    cvicious Fapstronaut

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    That's very interesting, and does sound like me. My friend told me the other day that I "turn into a wife" in my relationships.
    How do you stop this behaviour once you know you have this issue? Can you actually stop it?
     
  17. Dr_prof

    Dr_prof Fapstronaut

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    by avoiding turning into the parent or child. staying in the adult.
     
  18. Minsc

    Minsc Fapstronaut

    I suppose a good question to ask is "What is a wife?". It would make sense to say that a wife (or husband) is neither being a parent or child to the spouse.
     
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  19. leoac13

    leoac13 Fapstronaut

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    Maybe, on a subconscious level you're trying too help those guys by loving them and caring for them but their values don't match with yours and maybe it's the codependency factor. I'd just advise you to stay open minded and stand firm on what you believe and we can't repair other people we can just help them and when we see them rejecting our help, we should take a step back and figure out our boundaries.
     

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