How to trust people again ?

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by UnusualOlive, Apr 27, 2018.

  1. UnusualOlive

    UnusualOlive New Fapstronaut

    Hello guys, hope you are all doing well.

    I was never really able to trust anybody.
    My father was an alcoholic and he forced me to keep quiet about him buying alcohol when he was shopping with me. I saw him almost daily taking a drink from his cupboard in the back of the hall. I never said anything. Things escalated eventually, but he is recovering now.

    Sounds like a happy ending, but it isn't.
    Both my parents don't care about me at all.
    My dad doesn't want to talk to me ever or establishes contact at all.
    My mom can only stand to talk to me for about 2 minutes before she says something along the lines of "That's enough for now".

    I've been friends with this group for over 10 years and they've all abandoned me.
    Especially this one guy. Last semester, I spent most of my time with him. Obviously I was still horribly depressed, but I did not open up about it.
    When I did, this person laughed at me. The statement wasn't articulated as a joke. It was serious. He still laughed at me. Laughed.

    Previously I was already under the suspicion that he loved to see me suffer and fuck with me. Looking back at it now, I'm not entirely sure why I opened up to him... It was probably just because I considered him a good (and old) friend. Whenever he had something to say, I listened. I was always there.

    But whenever I talked about my issues, he seemed to love it.
    I talked to him about my loneliness and that I can't open up to people very well and that I hate myself and that I think that nobody would ever unconditionally accept me for what I am... He didn't console me or even listen to me.
    This is not a joke. He sent me chatlogs of his friends and his girlfriend showering himself with praise and love. At the time I didn't think of it much, just thought it was a stupid thing to send to anyone, but now, looking at the whole picture... it is insane.

    There were more situations like this, but for the sake of length I won't list more of those.

    Now, the entire group has abandoned me.
    We were friends for a long time, a year ago I went to a concert with one of them and we had the time of our live.
    Now nobody will contact me. It's as if this 10 years were nothing.

    We were always kind of distant, never talked much about feelings, especially not me.
    But when it happened, I was always there for the other person. Always. I thought I was a good friend. So why did this happen.

    This has utterly crushed my social life and confidence.
    When I was still in "high school" (rather the german equivalent) I mostly hung out with them, but I was commonly accepted. Nobody bullied me, not many people took interest in me, nobody talked about me or with me, unless I was the one who initiated contact.

    There were three girls that approached me back then (separately of course, without ever having talked to them previously, so it was just a meaningless crush, no idea why. I rejected all of them immediately, without thinking about it for 1 second. Even when I wasn't interested, it could have been a nice experience, it's not like I had anything better to do.

    I just can't imagine ANYONE seriously loving me for what I actually am.
    In itself, I don't think I'm a bad person and there are moments where I'm content with myself, but this feels like a distortion. Like it's not real. Like I'm fooling myself, like I'm being a cocky arrogant asshole.

    Countless of measures have been take to get rid of this depression.

    I meditate somewhat regularly.
    I exercise regularly.
    I eat 100% healthy foods.
    I take care of myself.
    I got rid of my PMO habit.

    All of these certainly changed my life in one way or another, but none of it got rid of my mask. My tendency to distance myself.

    The frustrating part of all this is, that I feel like I know everything about this issue, as to why it occurred. It feels like it should be easy to fix this, but I don't know what to do. Fuck.

    I'll return to college in october studying something I'm passionate about, so maybe I'll find some people that I can care about and be cared about.

    Don't think anyone will read a text this long, but it was still helpful to just get it out there. I don't know.
  2. Out of the Furnace

    Out of the Furnace Fapstronaut

    its a trauma that you´ve been through. find a shrink who can help you with it mate. its hard or rather impossible to get over it on your own. those are old patterns, you got hurt back then and because you didn´t get over it you still feel the same emptiness inside of you. either trust people again (easy said yes but you need to get over it and find new people you can hang out with) or get professional help and get over it there! good luck!
    DE.HK and UnusualOlive like this.
  3. What good is trust in others, when you dont trust yourself? Yeah this world is full of ego's. You'll have to accept that. Focus on improving your life.
    Mirach likes this.
  4. I have trust issues as well. I don't believe my friends actually like me and before I meet someone I expect them to not like me. I'm just suspicious of so many people. Although I'm fortunate that my parents are good people.
    SilentJay313 and Mirach like this.
  5. TheGreenPotato

    TheGreenPotato Fapstronaut

    Sounds like you have been through some really difficult stuff, I'm sorry to hear that :(

    Sometimes when we are hurt so much we withdraw like a ball and put a giant shield up to protect ourselves from getting hurt again.

    I think the problem you are finding now is how do you really connect with people and open up, and how can you be expected to given your experience with people?

    I think you seem to recognise that there are some people in life who are too absorbed in their own problems that they don't pay attention to anyone else's. And some people are just arseholes. But also I think you have had some bad luck, which doesn't really reflect how everyone is. Most people are usually pretty good and reasonable people.

    I would advise you seeking professional help to learn how you can open up gradually in a way that is safe to you, so you can disprove to your mind which thinks people are untrustworthy and will hurt you.

    It is a really hard journey, but I think you are a strong person from what you have said about yourself, and I am sure you can do it :)
    Mirach likes this.
  6. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

    What's the alternative? You never trust again and you isolate yourself from people your whole life?

    Do you believe that there's no good people in the world?
    Do you believe that there's no bad people in the world?

    The reality is that there's people out there that you can trust and people that you can't trust. You eventually learn by experience to filter out the people that aren't worth your time and energy, but if you give up on people entirely then you won't find the good people. If you decide to open up and give people a chance, then you might meet some bad ones, but you also might meet some good ones.

    Meeting people is a risk. Life is a risk. The less risks you take, the less negative experiences you'll deal with, but also the less positive experiences you'll possibly have. The more risks you take, the more negative experiences you'll deal with, but also the more positive experiences you'll possible have.

    Yes, you have a sad story about your past. Who doesn't? If you choose to curl up into a ball and carry that baggage with you into every possible relationship, then you'll create a self fulfilling prophecy of relationships failing before you even give it a real chance. It's like you're give it a little effort while anticipating failure, so you ultimately end up sabotaging it because you're trying to prepare for any possible negative experience that might happen.

    There's bad people in this world, but also good ones. If you don't give people a chance (a real one), then you won't be able to let the good ones in. It's a matter of vulnerability to allow possible positive experiences rather than being cold and closed off to limit possible negative experiences.

    So either be alone for the rest of your life or learn to handle negative experiences better, but don't half ass it in the middle. Don't want the positive while trying to close yourself from the negative.
  7. Very good advice. :) I get where Genkindo is coming from because I had "trust issues" as well, for quiet some time. It's hard to tell someone how to "Trust" because it's a very personal thing.
    What is trust anyways? I knew a know it all person I could trust and bet on to correct me everytime I spoke. I knew a dorky person I could trust on to say the stupidest stuff. I knew a rude person I could trust on to put me down everytime we met.
    Mirach likes this.
  8. UnusualOlive

    UnusualOlive New Fapstronaut

    Thank you very much for all your kind advice.
  9. Archangel 77

    Archangel 77 Fapstronaut

    Sorry to hear about your pain and lonliness. Isolation is something you need to fight against though. I’m not sure where you are, but my sister just mentioned ACOA to me. (Adult Children of Alcoholics) Are there any meetings in your area? My parents were not Alcoholics but they had a very dysfunctional relationship all the same. My sister said the trauma patterns are very similar and that I should check it out. I just found a meeting a few blocks away and hope to attend my first this Monday.

    It will get better, no matter what, life does get better with age and experience.
    Last edited: Apr 28, 2018
    Mirach and UnusualOlive like this.
  10. DE.HK

    DE.HK Fapstronaut

    Buddy, I am really sorry to hear what you have experienced. However, I believe instead of fixating on the past, you need to find ways to develop your future. I know it seems difficult but all of us are here to help each other. Don't feel despair or alone.

    Base on what you wrote, I would believe you had a traumatized childhood. Your family nurtured you in a way that you tried not to open up to people because that might mean a betrayal. Try to step out from it, think about it as a third person, then you will realize that was distorted. However, buddy, the problem you have in your life is difficult or nearly impossible to deal with by yourself. I would definitely suggest having a professional consultant or psychiatrist guiding you through your journey. I have been reading books about childhood trauma, and there are lots of connection between addiction and childhood trauma. Perhaps, this is helpful to your life and your addiction.

    Stay strong, not just to NoFap but also to your life. Sometimes let go takes more effort, but once you do, the result is magnificent. Good luck!
    UnusualOlive likes this.
  11. Optimist85

    Optimist85 Fapstronaut

    You are already doing the right thing and heading to the right direction. You are taking care of yourself. Continue building your esteem.

    When you go to college again, be open minded and make new friends. Make learning groups and find people for lunch, events and going out. It will take effort to establish and maintain relationships. Think of something useful for others and make it a strength. If you don't have an useful skill or have nothing relevant to say (yet), find a way to learn it and get better.

    Regarding your story, sorry to hear that, but now you are an adult. You are the main actor in your movie called life. If the relationship with your parents is that bad, see them once a month or once a year. Get a job and move out. F*ck them. We can't choose family but we can chose our friends.

    For new relationships keep your sad stories for yourself. It doesn't matter if you can trust somebody or not in the beginning. If you have that need to talk about your problems, find people outside the circles you want to grow for that type of talk. Until you have established enough confidence, there will always be people trying to exploit you or the ones that like gossip for attention. For the people you allow closer to yourself over time, listen to their stories first. They give, you give. So there is a balance in dirty laundry and people think twice before talking behind your back. Takes time to get it but you will get there.
    UnusualOlive likes this.

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