Hello guys, hope you are all doing well. I was never really able to trust anybody. My father was an alcoholic and he forced me to keep quiet about him buying alcohol when he was shopping with me. I saw him almost daily taking a drink from his cupboard in the back of the hall. I never said anything. Things escalated eventually, but he is recovering now. Sounds like a happy ending, but it isn't. Both my parents don't care about me at all. My dad doesn't want to talk to me ever or establishes contact at all. My mom can only stand to talk to me for about 2 minutes before she says something along the lines of "That's enough for now". I've been friends with this group for over 10 years and they've all abandoned me. Especially this one guy. Last semester, I spent most of my time with him. Obviously I was still horribly depressed, but I did not open up about it. When I did, this person laughed at me. The statement wasn't articulated as a joke. It was serious. He still laughed at me. Laughed. Previously I was already under the suspicion that he loved to see me suffer and fuck with me. Looking back at it now, I'm not entirely sure why I opened up to him... It was probably just because I considered him a good (and old) friend. Whenever he had something to say, I listened. I was always there. But whenever I talked about my issues, he seemed to love it. I talked to him about my loneliness and that I can't open up to people very well and that I hate myself and that I think that nobody would ever unconditionally accept me for what I am... He didn't console me or even listen to me. This is not a joke. He sent me chatlogs of his friends and his girlfriend showering himself with praise and love. At the time I didn't think of it much, just thought it was a stupid thing to send to anyone, but now, looking at the whole picture... it is insane. There were more situations like this, but for the sake of length I won't list more of those. Now, the entire group has abandoned me. We were friends for a long time, a year ago I went to a concert with one of them and we had the time of our live. Now nobody will contact me. It's as if this 10 years were nothing. We were always kind of distant, never talked much about feelings, especially not me. But when it happened, I was always there for the other person. Always. I thought I was a good friend. So why did this happen. This has utterly crushed my social life and confidence. When I was still in "high school" (rather the german equivalent) I mostly hung out with them, but I was commonly accepted. Nobody bullied me, not many people took interest in me, nobody talked about me or with me, unless I was the one who initiated contact. There were three girls that approached me back then (separately of course, without ever having talked to them previously, so it was just a meaningless crush, no idea why. I rejected all of them immediately, without thinking about it for 1 second. Even when I wasn't interested, it could have been a nice experience, it's not like I had anything better to do. I just can't imagine ANYONE seriously loving me for what I actually am. In itself, I don't think I'm a bad person and there are moments where I'm content with myself, but this feels like a distortion. Like it's not real. Like I'm fooling myself, like I'm being a cocky arrogant asshole. Countless of measures have been take to get rid of this depression. I meditate somewhat regularly. I exercise regularly. I eat 100% healthy foods. I take care of myself. I got rid of my PMO habit. All of these certainly changed my life in one way or another, but none of it got rid of my mask. My tendency to distance myself. The frustrating part of all this is, that I feel like I know everything about this issue, as to why it occurred. It feels like it should be easy to fix this, but I don't know what to do. Fuck. I'll return to college in october studying something I'm passionate about, so maybe I'll find some people that I can care about and be cared about. Don't think anyone will read a text this long, but it was still helpful to just get it out there. I don't know.