How trust to again?

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Jason Russo NYC, Mar 18, 2018.

  1. Jason Russo NYC

    Jason Russo NYC Fapstronaut

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    Hey all,

    I recently stumbled upon this website and at first thought it was just for PA/SA's. Then I noticed it also had support for partners.

    My wife (now EX) has been a PA & SA for about the entirety of our marriage, 9 years. She never once led me onto that, it was only until I discovered her troves of P, toys and secret AFF account that I caught wind of this. I tried to find a way to stay, to help but she refused to see this as a problem. She thinks cheating on me with strangers is just "being sexually adventurous" "learning new things to bring some spice into our sex lives". I was done after catching her with PM on 5 separate occasions and finding out about her cheating on me, 2 times. Divorce was finalized yesterday.

    So, my question to other S.O's that have moved on, how do you learn to trust again? I'm afraid that now, with anyone I get with, I will keep assuming they are hiding something, be suspicious all the time and second guess all of their motives.

    Any tips? I don't want to lose someone who is innocent, just because I've been burned so bad with me ex.
     
  2. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    I'm still with my PA, he is in recovery (actually trying for the first time).

    But, I told him this and wonder it myself. If I did end up moving on, I'll end up being the one hiding something (my distrust of the new person because I have been traumatized so much over the last 12 years). They'll be the new me, always thinking I'm hiding something from them and that's where the new relationship will begin, with no trust. It sucks, the thought of never being able to trust anyone again.

    My only suggestion would be - find someone to vent to, let all of your pain/truths come out of your head and onto someone else, a paper or even on NoFap, I did through my journal and it has really been helpful for me.

    If you do find some other way, let me know, please :)
     
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  3. Jason Russo NYC

    Jason Russo NYC Fapstronaut

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    Thanks, I will need to vent to someone, you're right. I've been holding it in so long. None of my family (or hers for that matter) saw this coming. We seemed like the perfect couple to the outside world, but inside, everything came crashing down. Just wish I would have left earlier and saved myself some heartache and trouble.
     
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  4. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    I understand what you mean.

    Do you have kids?
     
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  5. Jason Russo NYC

    Jason Russo NYC Fapstronaut

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    Yes, we have one son, he is 7 years old. Poor little guy was devastated when we told him "mommy and daddy were going to live in separate homes" "It will be great! you can tell your friends you have two homes!"

    :-(
     
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  6. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Ugh sorry, one of my top fears too, got two girls; 10 and 3. Breaks my heart to think what a divorce could do to them. But my husband is on his last straw with me, if you check out my journal - you can read my story, so I don't have to retype it lol.

    And if you need to vent, feel free to message me.

    Good luck!
     
  7. Jason Russo NYC

    Jason Russo NYC Fapstronaut

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    Thank you @Jagliana sounds like a great idea.
     
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  8. Jason Russo NYC

    Jason Russo NYC Fapstronaut

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    Thank you, I am going to be looking into counselors...etc., so much to me to learn here.
     
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  9. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    Counseling. That is the best bet to moving forward. I had trust issues before I met my husband, and made it clear to him I couldn't be in a relationship where the guy used porn (I struggle from anorexia, ended up in treatment with all this crap). He promised he wouldn't and did. He is an addict, didn't realize it.

    I am still with him, we have a 3.5 month old.

    When moving forward, it's good to journal, vent, have a friend that IS trustworthy to talk to. And take your time! Healing takes a lot of time. Don't rush back into dating, and only start dating when YOU feel ready. When you feel you can trust a partner again.

    I have had sexual trauma's and the last sexual trauma I had, I didn't date or leave the house for 3 months because I was so scared and distrustful of men. I really thought that if I was with another guy and said no they wouldn't listen. Only until I was ready to get back out there did I actually try. I was frustrated with my lack of trust, but I was in therapy, dealing with the pain, learning skills, and seeing a future for myself in a positive light.

    Be kind to yourself. Be a role model for your son and keep that relationship with your son strong. He will likely need you a lot during this time.


    Also in my signature is a thread I created on resources for SO's. It may not all be applicable in your situation, But, you may learn about why she was a PA/SA and know that it had nothing to do with you, and you can learn to heal, knowing that you are worthy of love and what she did to you has no reflection on you, it just reflects how unhealthy she is in life right now.
     
  10. ThatGirlMarceline

    ThatGirlMarceline Fapstronaut

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    Hi,
    For some background, I broke up with my boyfriend 4 months ago that struggled with porn. Whether he was addicted to it or not is unknown, but he did choose it over me despite my feelings. The relationship ended over a fight with him saying he would rather sleep with someone else than with me. I got out of it immediately despite how much effort I tried to put in. I also struggled with trust and the lies he said. He blamed me for him going to porn!
    I relate to you greatly with still having those trust issues and believing that people can't be truthful or responsible for their actions. What's been helping me is taking care of myself and putting myself first, because I need to learn to trust myself and believe in myself. It's all about healing and making yourself the priority. Your feelings matter and you are NOT crazy! It wasn't your fault for her resorting to such things. You'll find someone that will be respectful of you and love you fully. But for now it's best you take care of yourself and know your worth. It wont be an easy road but it's a road worth taking if it means finding happiness.
     
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  11. Jason Russo NYC

    Jason Russo NYC Fapstronaut

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    Thank you all, it's going to be a long haul, but you all know that.

    I just hope that this damage isn't permanent.
     
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  12. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    I agree!
     
  13. Just me

    Just me Fapstronaut

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    I don't know if it helps, but porn addiction is far less common in women. Most women you date will not have that particular issue.

    I really don't know how to trust regarding physical infidelity. It's something I have never had to go through, and am terrified despite that.
     
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