How we ended up here

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Bluebelle, Apr 2, 2019.

  1. Bluebelle

    Bluebelle Fapstronaut

    10
    12
    3
    Hi everyone I’m Bluebelle,
    I’m new here and would like to share my story of how I needed up here.

    My husband and I have been married for 6 years and together for 8 years. I knew from early on in our relationship that he had a porn problem but never knew how bad it was.
    He tried to get help and stop several times. I didn’t want him to be accountable to me for his progress but did ask from time to time how things were going. This resulted in him clambing up and not really telling me anything. I quickly stopped asking and just hoped everything was okay.
    Since our daughter was born almost 4 years ago we just haven’t been as close sexually and I have struggled with this. I didn’t know what was causing us to have such problems in this area and we attempted several times to improve things. Nothing ever really worked. Also we have had lots of stressful things happen of the last 4 years, buying and selling houses, his depression, my anxiety, job changes etc and so actually had some legitimate excuses as to why things weren’t that great.
    2 and a half weeks ago he finally confessed the full extent of his porn problem. I of course was shocked but it made so many things make sense too. Why we had been struggling sexually and why we didn’t feel as connected as we wanted too.
    My husband knows the impact that this has had on our marriage and is wanting to change so that’s a good start. He is seeing a Councellor to help deal with his loneliness, which is what drove him to porn in the first place. He is also starting a 12 step program and has several online support groups that he has to talk to as he processes thing.
    Well me, at the moment I just have my Councellor. I don’t feel comfortable about talking to my friends about this. They are amazing people but I just don’t feel like they would understand. They actually probably would but I guess I just feel like its too personal.
    Anyway so since this all came out so to speak, we have actually been doing better in some respects. We are both being very honest with each other about how we are feeling and this is definitely bringing us closer together which is good.
    I know that what I probably need right now the most is just people who can listen and understand what I’m going through. I know that I still have a lot of anger, hurt and sadness to deal with. Rebuilding trust and our marriage and not quick fixes and will definitely be a journey. I really will appreciate having people to listen and understand as I go through this journey and maybe give a bit of advice when needed.
    Thanks for reading
    Bluebelle
     
    control your life and Tannhauser like this.
  2. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

    476
    614
    93
    Hi Bluebell, welcome...I posted to your significant other journal. (I think) I’m kinda chat site challenged. You will find lots of support, guidance etc..on these pages.
    Keep coming back
     
  3. Bluebelle

    Bluebelle Fapstronaut

    10
    12
    3
    Well its been a while since I logged in, things have been busy.
    Hubby is doing really well at the moment and has passed his 30 days porn free milestone a week or so ago. I am very proud of the progress that he’s making.
    Me well progress is much slower and its hard for us a couple sometimes being at such different places. I realised that in my first post that I forgot some details, my husbands porn addiction was not to naked ladies but to fury porn - anthropomorphic beings/animals in sexual positions. Unusual twist off events huh? Anyone else dealing with a partner who was into fury porn? In all honestly I think naked ladies would have been easier to deal with.
    Now hubby has divided the whole thing into 3 parts, the porn addiction, his identity and the furies themselves. He is dealing with the porn addiction and is determined not to go back there which is great. He also realised that there was an identity aspect of this for him and he had struggled with loneliness and so therefore wanted to escape into this world and be a fury. He has also dealt with this and realised that he doesn’t want that anymore either, also great. So then we have the furies themselves. Hubby still likes the furies and wants to and has been connecting with other people who like furies too. The safe for work non sexual kind. Well I shall continue this in the next few days. Must get going. Thanks for reading :)
     
    Tannhauser likes this.
  4. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

    476
    614
    93
    Hi Bluebelle...what exactly is a furry? I’ll look up anthropomorphic beings/animals ?
    I think progress for spouses is tough and slower because we feel deeply. We experience the full scope of real emotions, something the PA has been able to compartmentalize . Just a guess though.
    Have a great evening...
     
  5. Bluebelle

    Bluebelle Fapstronaut

    10
    12
    3
    Hi Lostneverland,
    Furries are animals like cartoon characters that have human awareness. They come in all shapes and sizes. Some are animals that have been given extra limbs and some are more fictional like centors - half man half horse. There are many many variations.
    Yes progress for spouses is definitely slower. It’s hard because with the pressures of everyday life it can be even slower. Having time free to breathe and process this stuff can be challenging. Having a husband who is worried that I will ultimately reject his like of furries is really not helping right now I have to say.
     
  6. Bluebelle

    Bluebelle Fapstronaut

    10
    12
    3
    Okay so picking up from where I left off. So now that hubby isn’t looking a furry porn and he is doing better with the identity thing we are just left with the safe for work furries. Hubby have joined a few online furry groups, all safe for work of course and he is enjoying connecting with others who have the same interests. I am pleased for him but I’m really uneasy about it. I’m trying to be supportive of him about this but its hard. I’m still getting my head around everthing that has happened and I still cant seperate the furry porn stuff from the safe for work stuff in my own head. So it makes it hard to be okay with him staying in the community. Because so much of this stuff went on behind my back its still really hard to trust that everything is okay. I have to take his word for it and because trust has been broken that is hard too. I really do want to have faith in him but because things went on for so long its hard not to worry and wonder if he is actually telling me the whole truth. Also not having a way of being able to actually check up on things definitely doesn’t help this. Like I said naked ladies would have just been easier to deal with because he would have stopped looking at those websites etc and that would have been that so too speak. Now instead we have a lingering what looks like a permanent connection to the furry community, whether I like it or not. It seems like I’m just going to have to accept that this part of the furry thing is here to stay and well that feels a but unfair right now but it doesn’t feel like I have a choice in the matter either.
    Hubby is feeling worried that I might ultimately reject his like of furries which I get, but it just feels like it is pressure to process things and be okay with everything. It’s just frustrating and hard.
     
  7. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    What would happen if you did not accept it, if you included involvement in the furry community as one of your boundaries?
     
  8. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    I think @kropo82 asked a very good question.
    I don't think you have to accept this. In fact, it seems like maybe he's found a 'loophole' which keeps him from distancing himself from the addiction, IMO.
    I know you want to be supportive, but accepting things that you are genuinely concerned and upset about isn't going to be helpful to either of you in the long run.
     
    Lostneverland and kropo82 like this.
  9. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    This is like my husband... and many others....the addicts have their P "thing" that they are into and then try to find a "healthy" way to keep it but in reality it is feeding the addiction subconsciously.

    If I were in your shoes it would be a hard No boundary for me.

    Then again me and kenzi and some others on here went the strict route and completely got rid of everything addiction related and we see a pattern .... those guys have been clean hitting the 2 the 3 and even longer periods of being clean and in recovery.

    Personally as an SO and self harm addict myself i can tell you that me keeping lighters around because i "liked" them wasnt innocent even if I didnt use them to hurt myself. Fantasies were there to use them, just the sight of the certain lighter brand I used or a safety pin could send my brain down the hole of fantasy, planning, ritualizing.... it's a very slippery slope .... so just be careful with whatever you end up deciding to do about this furry thing.... dont by accidentally feed his addiction.
     
    kropo82 and Lostneverland like this.
  10. Bluebelle

    Bluebelle Fapstronaut

    10
    12
    3
    Thanks for your comment, that’s a really good question. I have something to think about.
     
    kropo82 and hope4healing like this.
  11. Bluebelle

    Bluebelle Fapstronaut

    10
    12
    3
    Hi, thanks for your comments. I think your right, he is using the furry things as a distraction from his addiction.
    I think we will need to have a talk about things and set a few boundaries.
     
    hope4healing likes this.
  12. Bluebelle

    Bluebelle Fapstronaut

    10
    12
    3
    Hi, thanks for your comments. You make some very valid points. Me and hubby and going to have to chat about things and set some boundaries.
     
  13. Bluebelle

    Bluebelle Fapstronaut

    10
    12
    3
    Thank you so much everyone who has commented. This is soo helpful. I’m going to have a chat to hubby about all this. We need to make some changes and set some better boundaries.
     
    hope4healing likes this.
  14. crazyaf

    crazyaf Fapstronaut

    Perhaps this member could help you understand this particular interest better:

    Link to journal
     
    Last edited: May 20, 2019
  15. Bluebelle

    Bluebelle Fapstronaut

    10
    12
    3
    Okay, thank you
     
  16. Bluebelle

    Bluebelle Fapstronaut

    10
    12
    3
    Thank you again to everyone who commented on my last post.
    I had a chat with my Counsellor and about how I was feeling and that really helped.
    I have also had a chat with hubby. I basically told him that I didn’t want to hear about furries anyone as it was just really feeling like it was in my face all the time and it was hindering me from processing things. He was sad about this but alternately understood. I have told him that I think that he has just replaced one addiction for another with doing the safe for work furry stuff. My Counsellor agrees with this. Hubby sees what I’m saying but is pretty much in denial at this point. I haven’t demanded that he stop being in the safe for work furry community, as much as I would like too, but my Counsellor has suggested that he needs to come to the realisation that it is an addiction and chose to stop on his own. At the end of the day I cant actually stop him anyway he is an adult and it is his decision. As much as it annoys me she is actually right. If put my foot down and demand he stops it will do more harm than good at the moment. So yeah it’s interesting at the moment with his feeling like he’s doing great and me at the complete opposite end of the scale feeling like I’m struggling to process all of this while I still juggle everyday life, which includes managing my anxiety, sigh. Being in such different spaces feels like it is putting some distance between us which doesn’t feel good. I know that we will work things out but it feels like it is going to be a long slow road at this rate.
     
    Lostneverland and hope4healing like this.
  17. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

    476
    614
    93
    Your counsellor is correct about making demands..it will do more harm than good. Also you sound like you are making great progress in realizing what’s your issues and what are his issues. It’s hard being in the position you’re in , when you know he could be doing better and you’re feeling like crap.
    I’ve been there and watched my PA skip along in denial and delusion, it sucks. I just sat back and watched, and listened. Eventually if they are serious about getting sober...he will come out of this stage. In the meantime, I did extra special things for myself, went to movies, out for coffee, got my nails done etc..
    Be good to you yourself, it relieves the anxiety.
    Prayers are with you.
     

Share This Page