I'm a bit embarrassed to bring this up, but seriously wondering if and how I will ever get around this.
In short, I get really turned on when girls reject me (and kind of turned off when they are really into me) - is this just the classic "only wanting what I can't have"?
I also get turned on when the girl I really want ends up getting together with another guy . . .
It's kind of the story of my life. Getting crushes on girls but not having the gumption to take any action (I was raised to believe that all men are pigs and all they want is sex, leading me to be afraid to even suggest interest in a woman) and eventually watching the girl of my dreams start dating other guys. Sometimes the guys were my friends, or worse, on two occasions it was a roommate. I coped with this by turning to masturbation, and porn.
I have included most of my journal entry from today (below) if you want to read about today's struggle. But the overall question is:
Will I ever get past this? I have been effectively single for about 12 out of the last 13 years. How can I ever get into a relationship with someone that I am really attracted to if rejection and jealousy turns me on so much??
I do think it is vital that I do not turn to P or M when I have these feelings in order to break that association, but I don't know if it will ever go away. I have been struggling with this for years
Any one have any suggestions? I would appreciate any and all advice and support.
In short, I get really turned on when girls reject me (and kind of turned off when they are really into me) - is this just the classic "only wanting what I can't have"?
I also get turned on when the girl I really want ends up getting together with another guy . . .
It's kind of the story of my life. Getting crushes on girls but not having the gumption to take any action (I was raised to believe that all men are pigs and all they want is sex, leading me to be afraid to even suggest interest in a woman) and eventually watching the girl of my dreams start dating other guys. Sometimes the guys were my friends, or worse, on two occasions it was a roommate. I coped with this by turning to masturbation, and porn.
I have included most of my journal entry from today (below) if you want to read about today's struggle. But the overall question is:
Will I ever get past this? I have been effectively single for about 12 out of the last 13 years. How can I ever get into a relationship with someone that I am really attracted to if rejection and jealousy turns me on so much??
I do think it is vital that I do not turn to P or M when I have these feelings in order to break that association, but I don't know if it will ever go away. I have been struggling with this for years
Any one have any suggestions? I would appreciate any and all advice and support.
Day 24 - the work crush strikes again!
This whole week has been brutal to say the least. Really didn't see my work crush that much, but that was okay seeing that I have been feeling so jet lagged and run down. But today, our paths crossed and . . . she more or less looked right through me as if I don't exist. (Nothing. Zilch. There's always been some sign of attraction on her part and/or a friend smile but today, nothing.) My initial thought was "fuck her anyway. She's not really that hot, and if she doesn't like me that's probably a good thing as I don't need distractions at work . . . "
A few minutes later I sat down at my desk and was hit with a wave of arousal. My heart was racing and I felt like I was on the verge of cumming in my pants!
I tried to concentrate on my work as the office life continued around me, but that feeling continued and I feared that anyone who saw me would see my eyes rolling back in my head. Darn it!! So often in my life I have dealt with rejection or jealousy by masturbating, which just reinforces that connection in my brain. I wanted to masturbate so bad!! And, I wanted her so bad! I tried to think that I should just blow her off harder than she blew me off, but almost immediately I became aware that I can't play that game with her. She'll beat me at it every time. Honestly, I kind of did blow her off when she blew me off, but . . . I'm the one who just minutes later feels like I am going to cum in my pants if I don't masturbate.
(prior to this, I was feeling pretty good. Like I was finally getting back into the swing of things. I've had tremendous frustration after hitting the gym 5 days in a row . . . followed by two weeks of not going. I really thought, "I can turn this around. I can get myself back on track, and back into good shape by Dec 13th")
I struggled, a lot, but I did not give in. Eventually, I actually felt even better. Okay, I still totally want this girl. I'm glad that she has such an effect on me. I want to be with a girl who really does it for me.
All the more reason to eat lean, hit the gym and get my shit together. I really want to attract this girl to me.
Then . . . I end up working late this evening and am surprised to see her stuff at her desk over an hour after she normally leaves. Uh-oh. Immediately my mind turns to the other guy . . . the married alpha male that I keep seeing her flirt with. Perhaps they are a thing now and that's why I'm suddenly invisible?
I go to my desk to try to wrap up my work and leave. Then I hear his voice, and then hers, as they walk into the office. He rambles about something work related, nothing of much substance, just kind of blah blah blah and then I hear her agreeing with him when there's not much to agree to, and laughing when there is nothing really funny about the conversation. Definitely not the flirtiest that I have encountered from her, but once again I struggled with waves of arousal.
A bit later, he said good night to me as I was wrapping up. I left maybe 5 minutes after that. Then I saw that she had left and found myself rushing out to the parking lot to see if I might catch them together and confirm my suspicions. Neither of their vehicles was in the parking lot, and I have no evidence of anything, but still my mind went to the worst places and I felt like I was about to cum in my pants the whole way home.
So far, I have not cum. I have not given into the desire to masturbate. And, I have not given into the desire to look at porn though it's very tempting.
