How wives can help

I don't see that as the issue. Sexual desire itself isn't unhealthy, it's fulfilling that through pornography and masturbation that's the problem. I think the lady's taking the right path in getting him to associate his sexual fulfilment with real sexual interactions rather than through PM. I'm not against abstinence but I see her strategy as probably more likely to bear fruit in the long-term.

 

I’m not against healthy sex! However, porn addicts have an unhealthy relationship with sex and sexual urges. The goal is to get to a healthy place. Giving him sex won’t get him there. Him learning to rethink his urges, control himself, and understand his urges will get him there, not sex. Right now, sex will make it harder for him to stay clean. It can be done, just much slower and harder.

 

Agreed here mainly. A wife should not feel like she needs to have sex or else a husband will act out. It then sets up the predictable situation where the wife simply doesn't feel like it for any number of reasons, which is her right, and the husband resents it and then guilts her or something like that - or acts out in response and blames her.

healthy sexuality belongs in every relationship that wants it. To me, that means that it doesn't feel obligated or forced on either side.

 

That being said - withholding sex as punishment probably isn't going to be helpful either.

 

Lol, no I would never advocate withholding sex as a punishment. The abstinence for an addicts healing would and should be mutually agreed upon. Hell, I was the most resistant when my csat advised we do 90 days no sex! I said no way. Until 4 months into recovery my husband asked if we could because he was struggling with chaser. That’s what marriage is supposed to be. A partnership. I can’t “ help” his recovery with more sex or less sex but we can work together to form a healthy relationship. I don’t think this wife is doing that, I think she just had a legitimate problem that made sex painful. That being said, I would totally do the 90 days again, because we grew closer and communicated better and oh my when you have to wait you want it so much more! Lol…..

 

We did about 30 or 45 days. Went back to holding hands being intimate touching and worked back up. Would prefer not to again for selfish reasons - but would do small spurts strategically if my wife wanted to. If she wanted to do it all again, i probably would, cause i trust her judgement.

 

Hey, I was wondering (if you don't mind, of course) if you could share an update? My situation is similar to yours. Long story short, a month ago my husband came to me and confessed on his own. He admitted he needed me and that he's ready to be completely vulnerable with me (he's always kept everything to himself, because of the way he was raised). We are still talking it through daily and he says his guilt and fear of me leaving him and taking our kids it's enough to never do it again. He (completely on his own) left and got a flip phone after he smashed his other in front of me. He came home and set up blockers that are controlled by me. All his idea. I want to believe in him so much, but fear it's not sustainable in the long run.

I truly hope you and your husband are doing well and your husband is making real progress. I want this to work so much, but it feels almost impossible.