Howdy, from The Count

Hey everyone,

I'm new here, but I'm here for the right reasons. I'm working to end a habit I've held close for a long time. A couple years ago I went nearly a year without looking at porn, but I still masturbated. I felt like I wanted to regain my ability to imagine sex without the need for visualization. It was difficult, and to be honest I felt like I would often recollect or imagine things I'd seen in porn because I'd been so inundated with those images and ideas for so long. I wasn't being truthful with myself back then. And I'm not being sincere with myself now, which is why I want to start a 90 day sobriety challenge, and win back my mental health. I'm depressed, codependent, a love-addict, and I don't want to keep spiraling in this cycle of addictive patterns I'm in. I want out. Sincerely.

I am back to square one. I am currently watching porn several days a week. I'll go 5 or so days sober and then relapse, go for a bender of a couple days, and sputter along for another few days. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. I went twenty days last month, but I was edging and bullshitting myself into thinking it was sincere sobriety effort. I want to be truthful. I lie to myself in order to cope and relapse without the intensity of guilt.

I'm also part of CoDA meetings and SLAA meetings for porn addiction and love addiction and codependency. If anyone else is in these or other 12-Step programs and would like support or help/camaraderie, I'm here. Feel free to send me a PM.

Today is day one. I'm here for support. We can't do it alone, and I'm acknowledging that by putting on the Fapstronaut helmet. I also am being sincere when I say, I'm addicted to porn. I'm a codependent, love-addict who feels the compulsive, impulsive need to be validated and reaffirmed. So don't feel compelled to placate or validate or congratulate me. I'm not here to get a pat on the back. I'm struggling like everyone else, and I have no chip on my shoulder, and I don't need one.

I want to reach my goals. I want to win back my sanity. I want to do that with the company of others.

Peace,
The Count

 

Thanks D.J. I really appreciate the follow up and support,

Right now, I'm doing a few things to fight this war of addiction.

1.) Meditating daily for a minimum of 10 minutes in the mornings. Some days I meditate longer (20 minutes today, for example). I practice Japanese Mahayana Buddhism (Zen Buddhism) but I am also a Christian. I know this is sometimes a source of confusion for people, but given that Buddhism is merely a practice of mindfulness and not a religion, I see no quandary in this. Meditation has really helped me to be more mindful of what I'm struggling with, but also allowing me time, everyday, to commune with God and practice the pursuit of Buddhahood.

2.) 12-Step Meetings (SLAA & CoDA) twice a week (more if needed). I'm involved with Codependents Anonymous (CoDA) and Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous. These meetings have been monumental in helping me: admit the nature of my wrongs, admit that I need the help of God to combat them, make amends to the people I'm hurting, and figure out why I am using these addictions to porn and love to cope with my struggles in the first place.

3.) Therapy. I'm in a position right now where I can afford bi-weekly therapy and that has been really helpful. I'm looking for accountability and processing anywhere I can get it.

4.) NoFap. I'm here. The countdown has started. Engines are on. And I'm ready to help myself and others find freedom from this misogynistic, brainwashing, porn addiction that so many of us are given to at a young age. We all tell ourselves "I'll quit when..." and then "when" comes and we're still waist deep in the swamp. I want out. Here's to getting there together.