I agree with
@LEPAGE . It may be that he has underlying issues with gender-identity or this may all be the effects of porn addling his brain. The best way to find out is for him to quit porn and allow his brain to reboot.
Forget chastity devices and chemical castration - that could all be the effects of porn on his brain. See how he is after he has been porn-free for at least 90 days, preferably longer.
My advice is:
- He should quit Porn and Masturbation for good.
- He needs to want to do this for himself, for you and for the good of your relationship. Porn wrecks marriages and ruins lives. People divorce, lose their children, ruin their lives and commit suicide over this. He MUST take quitting seriously and commit to it.
- He needs to fill the gap that porn leaves with other activities - time with you, hobbies, sport, exercise, meditation. Preferably something that does not involve using a screen
- The two of you should try to reconnect and have quiet intimate time together. If you are OK with it, then encourage more hugging, touching, kissing, cuddling.
- For the present, when you make love, he should put you first and rediscover the joys of making love to a real woman. Help him to make love to you all the ways you like best, help him to become your perfect lover. Let your Os be a joy for you both.
- He is not going to be masturbating, so his only Os will be when he is with you. To help him reboot, it may be better if he O's no more than once a week. (Anecdotal evidence suggests that if he is O'ing more frequently than that, it interferes with the rewiring that the brain needs to do). If you make love more often than that then there will be times when you make love together but only you O. This may be difficult for him or it may actually help him focus on you and reawaken his normal urges. The first time it happens, ask him how it feels.
- He must be completely open with you. The time for deceit is over. Encourage him to talk to you but avoid sex being the only topic of conversation. If he spends all his time thinking or talking about sex then he is more likely to relapse. Talk often about all aspects of your lives together.
If he truly commits to quitting then I believe you may be able to rebuild the relationship. Once Porn is out of the way for long enough, you should be able to see whether there truly are underlying gender-identity issues that you need to work through.
I wish you the very best of luck,
ANH