Hudband finally admitted it

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Missmadness, May 27, 2019.

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  1. Missmadness

    Missmadness Fapstronaut

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    Hey everyone ,sorry im new here and i dont know where to start firstly on phone so sorry for spelling, me and my husband have been together 7 years, over the past 2 years iv noticed him less interested in sex, we used to have sex multiple times a day too much even but we werenso passionate we couldnt keep our hands off each other, then 2 years ago we experienced his first ED, oh gosh i remember like yesterday, i over reacted instantly i thought it was me he isnt attracted to me hes gone off me he doesnt enjoy sex with me anymore, i think i made it worse for him, he was then afraid of my reaction so the next few times i didnt react how i felt , i just told him it happens ect, a year later i felt depressed unwanted and even more unnatracted, i could count on one hand the amount of times we had sex in that year then one day hes showing me something on his phone and i noticed the history, porn porn porn porn my heart sank he couldnt be intimate with me but was ok warching porn getting himself off, i told him i wasnt happy i didnt like this i explained he is probably causng his own issues, he swore on everything he wouldnt do it again a year later of barely any sex i find out hes doing it again i feel like giving up on him, he admitted at his worse apparently when we were not together, it was 20 times a day im thinking omg hes pied, hes got death grip, but i sat i listened i tried not to be horrified and support him, he took measures on his phone blocking porn but i know he has lap top and if he wanted to access it he could, i dont want a life of guessing if hes actually trying or just hiding it better, any tips things i should look out for? I feel so lost im only 28 and hes 33 i didnt expect our sex life to vanish so dramatically and quickly, we both want another child but we cant even have sex to even try its literally beem 4 months since last time and it required alot of effort. I feel like iv given up so much ,he didnt even try he went straight back to porn and lies, the lies i hate the lies.it all came to ahead wednesday he was in the mood and im so sorry for this bit tmi, after foreplay he decided to put his fingers in me masturbate himself whilst not moving in me, i was mortified so embarressed, i stopped and told him i cant do this anymore and again hes asked for my hell and said he hates what hes doing but i dint know how to help him or whete to start i feel worthless right now and i dont know what to do i love him so much i dont want to lose him, but i dont want to be bitter paranoid and miserable what can i do, where do we start
     
    Last edited: May 27, 2019
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  2. onceaking

    onceaking Fapstronaut

    I'm sorry this has happened. It's a tough situation to be in. The good thing is he admits he has a problem, some women on here are in relationships with men who refuse to even acknowledge they have a problem. You can't make him get clean, he has to decide to do it himself. It will be a long tough road for him and with many setbacks, but if he's determined to get clean he eventually will. I don't know what to say to the situation you find yourself in. If you take a look at the Partner Support section you find women who can help you. Maybe you could message one of them and they'd be able to give some good advice.
     
    Last edited: May 27, 2019
  3. Missmadness

    Missmadness Fapstronaut

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    Thank you, this site is already a comfort reading other womens stories, and seeing it from a mans pov too im so glad i found this site.
     
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  4. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

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    Has he done any research on porn addiction? If not that is a great place for him to start. Yourbrainonporn.com has a lot of good info. There are also a lot of good books to read. It may help to start a hard reboot, no sex, let his brain begin to heal. Accountability software on ALL devices can also help, it doesn't block anything but will keep track of it and send reports. It is going to be a long hard struggle, but he can beat this is he really tries. There will probably be slips, but it is how he handles them that really matters. For you, I know it doesn't really make it any better but it really isn't about or because of you. I hate when people say that like it makes it all better or ok, but I now know it isn't about me. But it still hurts, and doesn't make it better. Remember to take care of yourself, their PA does a lot of damage to us and we must look out for ourselves. They certainly didn't. Many people find a therapist helpful, both for the relationship and individually. Though it can be tricky to find on that knows about PA and betrayal trauma, that doesn't label the SO as co dependent. In the end you have to do what is best for you. Some stay and fight, sometimes that works out but sometimes the PA doesn't want to fight and get better. Doesn't want to face the damage they caused. Other people leave and start their life over to heal on their own. You just have to decide what is best for YOU, what you can deal with and what you can live with. I'm sorry you're thrown into all this crap. There is a lot of support here for both you and him if you want it.
     
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  5. Missmadness

    Missmadness Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your reply, it means alot knowing other people understand the devastation im feeling and knowing other people are and have gone through this. Its hard to see the light right now he just expects me to be happy normal and trust him but hes lied and hid it for so long i dont know how to i dont even know the extent of what we are dealing with he told me previously but i dont know about now.
    He told me it got as bad as 20xs a day and said hes suprised im still hetr adter telling me that and i just told him i love him more for being honest, i was shocked tho thats not good and maoes me wonder if he can actually do this.

    He seems to really want to stop, and i want to help him as much as i can but at the same time it hurts so much knowing the effect this has had on our lives so far already ,i just want to cry its all so new to me its the lies that get me the most he could admit anything and id try my best not to judge or make him feel ashamed and i would support him through it, but when its iv found something i wasnt supposed to it seems to hurt more, i need at least bare minimum honesty if he wants to save our relationship because i dont want to be a paranoid miserable person making both our lives hell. Oh i do hope it gets easier but again thank you your reply means alot its such a crappy situation to be in.
     
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  6. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

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    Sadly him wanting to stop isn't normally enough to make it happen. But it is a first step. If he is truly trying and taking steps in the right direction and you are taking care of yourself in time much of what you feel will lessen or change. I've found many things I thought have changed with time, many things have gotten better. His PA has changed me along the way. It has been a struggle at times, and has caused a lot of pain but I'm still with him. My bf recently relapsed after over 500 days PM free. He has had some very bad stress recently and let that slip in and reverted to his old ways. Stopping PMO is the first step, but digging to the core issue is imperative. Otherwise it is just a ticking time bomb waiting for a break to sneak back in. I know that sounds really depressing. But it seems to hold true for so many PA that think stopping is enough.

    Take some time for yourself and decide what you need to heal. Some people want a disclosure about what the PA has done, others are happier not knowing. But once you know you can not unknow. Some people want to be involved with the recovery, others don't. There is no one right or wrong way.
    It will get easier in time, but I don't think it will every be all better. But it is not all negatives, we are building a closer relationship. I'm addressing some of my own issues I want to change.
     
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  7. Missmadness

    Missmadness Fapstronaut

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    Yes i agree, he seems to think its going to be as easy as saying ill stop i said if it were that easy you would have stopped already hes been looking into it he showed me a few things wanted me to put passeord on phone that blocks wll access to anything sex related, again sadly i think its just for show and like you said he needs to figure out the root cause of it, or he will keep falling back into it. Its brought us closer already as far as were finally talking abit more openly about it, trying to understand where we are both coming from he tried to say he doesnt feel like a man when he has ed problems i told him i dont feel very much like a woman when i know your causing your own problems which become our problems through what you are doing which is worse because its like you prefer that to real physical contact, hes also struggling when i dont believe he will just stop i said its like any addiction your going to have good days and bad days im only going to stick by you if your honest and no matter how much you hide it, it will come out eventually youll slip once get away with it and continue til we end up here again. Sadly im not strong enough for that i can handle a slip up another lie and im afraid i give up theres only so much im willing to accept and i cant accept any more lies, other than this we have a fantastic relarionship we both found each other and truly believe were "meant to be" were like 2 halfs of one person but this issue has never made me feel so lonely , can i ask how long have you and you SO been having issues is he open with you when and if they slips up
     
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  8. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

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    I've been with my bf for 16 years I believe now. PA has been an issue the whole time, I just didn't know that PA was the problem. This cycle of being caught and lying really started about two years in I think. There are times I wished I walked then. In Dec. '17 we had a big blowout and I was ready to leave then. It is then that he started to address it. About two years before that we had a big DDay and I was stupid enough to believe him when he said he was clean. I didn't understand PA at that point, so in Dec. '17 I dove into PA research and I've been here since. He really came far but never dug deep into himself and when his dad got sick he let the stress pull him back into p. He relapsed twice, two nights in a row. He didn't tell me, I had to confront him and he admitted to it. I don't trust he will tell me if he has a relapse, not yet. Maybe one day but I hope if he gets to that point there will be no more relapses. (Wishful thinking?) He is a wonderful man and I love him very much, but the lies are too much. I don't expect him to be perfect but I do expect him to be honest.
     
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  9. Hi!
    I like many of us have been in his situation, not as bad as 20 times a day but ive done so stupid things, and I couldnt have made it out of it if it wasnt for the love I feel for my GF.

    He has to WANT to stop, for real.
    If he wants to stop, he probably feels worthless inside, and I know lots of SO’s on here would say he deserves it, but for both of you, try to stay strong, try to stand by his side and im sure he will make it.
    His use of P most likely has nothing to do with you not being enough or such, remember that.



    I myself have done weird things, but my GF supports me and thats how I managed to stop.


    Feel free to read my posts if you want, you need to understand that P-addicts (or users!) are not automatically filthy animals.
    The pain I feel inside, the regret and the shame, is all because I didnt EVEN SEE how what I did could have ruined my relationship; but she is so understanding and forgiving and I am FOREVER thankful for that!

    I am now free from my stupid behaviour and I have learned that it was a way for me to cope with heavy problems that occured a few years ago, maybe he is using it to cope with emotions aswell?
     
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  10. Missmadness

    Missmadness Fapstronaut

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    Thank you its nice to hear a different pov, hes been doing it since he was young, i know i shouldnt make him feel bad i was just so hurt, 2 years ago i asked him abour this issue and he promised it wasnt an issue he would and could stop and i stupidly took him for his word. I knew he was still doing it but i decided to ignore it and then finally i couldnt ignore it anymore, and now here we are, its hard i hope he feela comforable with me enough to be open with me if hes struggling but then how do you tell you mrs that tou have an urge to PMO , i need to keep telling myself that its like any other addiction, its not a spiteful act to hurt me and we need to figure out why he turned to it in the first place. could i ask you a question, he says hes done since was young as he was telling me about the 20xs per day he alsonsaid iv done alot of disgusting things and looked genuinley horrified, he didnt tell me what i didnt ask and im unsure if i should know, isit best if he is just completley honest with everything or can we do this without me knowing every "dirty little secret. Im just happy hes admitted he has a problem and is trying
     
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  11. Missmadness

    Missmadness Fapstronaut

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    Wow hes very lucky to have you, i agree the lies i cannot keep forgiving, we have to have atleast trusr right or what are we fighting for. Im not sure im ready for this or prepared for whats to come, and worse than that i think he thinks its easy and consider it already done type thing and im just nagging and causing more issues wanting to discuss it and lnow what precautionshe is taling. Iv made it clear i will help him and stand by him if hes honest and open with me i know its not over this could just be the begining of a nightmare so many ladies on here arw far stronger than me and been dealing with this a long time. I know hes had isselues for a ling time, however i know he stopped for 4 years too he didnt have acess to it where he was and his libido when he was back was likr when we first met again slowly it started gettint lesd hed have a ED problem id react bad making it harder for him, seems like i make it worse by my reactions so teying hard to keep them in check
     

  12. The "disgusting things" he mentioned is probably some weird kind of porn or such, IMO it shouldnt matter as of today, as long as he does not do it again.
    We all do weird stuff sometimes, he realised it and likely wont do it again.
    If he didnt love you and really cared, he probably wouldnt have told you about hus problems at all.


    I myself found it easy to stop after i told my GF, but before i told her it was impossible to stop.
     
  13. Missmadness

    Missmadness Fapstronaut

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    Yes i guess admitting it is a big step although i feel i forced him to as i was about to give up on us when he finally opened up and asked for help only time will tell if i can actually help him, not gonna lie im petrified i feel abit ignorant i dont knoe his triggers i dont know hod habbits i dont know if i should be asking him have you slipped up or step back and let him deal with it or come to me i just dont know, i dont know about the dusgusting things i dont know if i want to part of me does to understand why hes so ashamed and part of me wants to be oblivious, anyway thank you so much for taking the time to reply to mean it means alot to me that i can atleast be open here without people thinking im crazy and knowing your doing well is a big help to me as i keep reading stories of failure and they fill me with dread of what might be about to come. But i know him i know he can do this and i know he wants to and hes trying i cant punish him for that, i wouldnt even for failing but lies and secrets need to stop now i hope he understands how important honesty is to me now. Anyway sorry! Again thank you so much im so happy your in a good place now
     
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