Human behaviour?

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by Jungster, Apr 14, 2019.

  1. Jungster

    Jungster Fapstronaut

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    Hey. I am not sure where to start, but here goes:

    Short story
    - Been a porn addict since my dad died 9 years ago (I was 21 then).
    - I lost two boyfriends because of porn/hookup addiction, afraid my current boyfriend might dump me.
    - A friend told me to come here... I do not know where to start. (PS: Friend lives in a farm in the middle of nowhere, so chatting/getting hold of him is really difficult)

    Human behaviour?
    - Perhaps all these weird sexual behaviours are to be human? I must overcome these and surpass humanity (alla Nietzsche).
    - I am addicted to porn, hookups, and light BDSM.
    - Corcerning psychology: I am trying to figure out why I like to be dominated. My father's death might have something to do with psychological development or something. I am working hard on figuring out this one.
    - Tonight I watched totally illegal stuff, and that really sparked concern in me. I feel bad and like crying. Porn/lust is a downward spiral. My thoughts do not usually includes illegal stuff, but I suppose that is what lust does to a person.

    What I want to do
    - Stop porn addiction
    - Stop hookups

    Whenever I try to stop masturbating/watching porn, my desires intensifies (I suppose that is normal) - I cannot sleep, I cannot work, I am severely anxious. I've read through the guidelines, and hence I am not giving out details here. Obviously I do not want to trigger anyone.

    I do not want to get STDs, be alone, or live a double life. Also, I don't want some pathetic porn blocker. I want to build the discipline of sorting through my issues and doing it myself. Too many people I know have porn blockers that does NOTHING to them - as soon as they can bypass the system they will watch porn. I want CHANGE.

    Where do I start? Please help - I am desperate, and deeply hurt.
     
    Nugget9 likes this.
  2. Jungster

    Jungster Fapstronaut

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    This morning I thought about shamanism, and I was reminded of a warning: Do not stare into the cosmos because the cosmos stares back.

    Likewise: Do not stare into porn because porn stares back.

    I will let you think about that one.
     
    Yalmoo likes this.
  3. Nugget9

    Nugget9 Fapstronaut

    A porn blocker in the beginning may help you start your journey into what you do not know, it is very powerful and your body will feel it.
     
    Luke18 likes this.
  4. Yalmoo

    Yalmoo Fapstronaut

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    How about start meditating to strengthen your discipline and awareness? I found mindfulness very helpful with my addiction.
     
  5. Jungster

    Jungster Fapstronaut

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    MEDITATE, I MUST! It has been 24 hours. Last night I felt very anxious, but my brother and sister came to visit and we had a blast - jokes all night!

    I am panicky. MUST WANK! But now I am going to meditate, and pray. I've made it to here. Press on...
     
  6. Jungster

    Jungster Fapstronaut

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    Came across porn by accident - super turned on. Pressed the emergency button, and this popped up:

    [​IMG]

    Yeah, I started crying. I must say no. But it's not easy today. This morning was fine, but I am tired now. And needy. MUST PRESS ON! Lord, help!
     
    CH3RRY likes this.
  7. Roady

    Roady Fapstronaut

    If the urges comes, think about this:

    If you don't go through it NOW, you will never go through it.

    Write useful texts on papers and stick them everywhere in the house.
     
    OnTheEdge likes this.
  8. Theamos

    Theamos Fapstronaut

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    One day at a time
     
  9. Jungster

    Jungster Fapstronaut

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    Hey. I've been quiet. Been porning, but less so.

    I am unanchored. My sister gave birth today (I became an uncle), but I do not care. My mom (who I am estranged from) let me know. My family distanced themselves from me because I am gay. My BF is closeted, and it's difficult. I am mostly alone. No BF, no family. I realised today how much I need family after watching the video below:



    I want you to be happier.

    Over the past week I've cut down porn to once a day. But I know I must let go. It's not easy, letting go of porn, and getting healed of hurt. For too long I've been using porn when I'm alone.

    Over the weekend I hooked up with two guys. I realised that it's temporary. It's not the real thing. Gosh, it's not even my BF! This is the most difficult thing I've ever done... but it must be done. I must let go of porn.
     
  10. Jungster

    Jungster Fapstronaut

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    Thank you. I am considering doing that in my room. I can't do it all over the house. But I want to write down why I must stop.
     
    Roady likes this.
  11. Yalmoo

    Yalmoo Fapstronaut

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    I’m sorry to hear about your family :( maybe they need some time to process?
    I also admire you for being who you are and not giving up. Just keep doing that, keep reminding yourself why you’re doing this and what you’re actually doing, and I believe you can make it!
    Anyway if you need someone to talk to I’m ready to listen.
     
  12. Jungster

    Jungster Fapstronaut

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    After a three day streak, I watched porn today. I feel sad.

    Life has not been kind. I am terribly depressed tonight. But I will not watch porn. Maybe just curl up in a ball and cry.

    This weekend I watched Vertigo (the opening also features in Lady Gaga's "Born this way"). The haunting opening is almost archetypal - and it has been awakening something deeply embedded in my shadow.

     
  13. Jungster

    Jungster Fapstronaut

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    Forgive me, father, for I have sinned.

    - I cheated on my BF. I slept with a few guys.
    - I watched porn.
    - I fell into a deep depression.

    I came to recognise my shadow (Jungian psychology term), and realised some childhood trauma. Last week I did a presentation on Jung for church, and in doing so came to discover some parts of my past.

    Connection. I am tired of NSA. I need friendship. It's been on my mind. There is a lot on my mind, but I take it one day at a time. I have not wanked today yet.
     

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