Hurt Loved One

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by _Prof_X, May 7, 2015.

  1. _Prof_X

    _Prof_X Fapstronaut

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    I would like a little guidance if anyone could offer any. I told my girlfriend before we started dating that I had a problem with porn because it was important for me to tell my closest friends and family. I thought it would be a good way to start taking charge of my addiction and take away the final mask I put on in front of everyone. Up to this point I was taking on the challenge of beating my addiction alone and had no one to guide me and hold me accountable. I was making progress but would slip up when stress from home or school would grow to a certain point. By the time my girlfriend and I began dating I had my addiction pretty well under control but still fell backwards a few times. I didn't tell her the first couple times because I felt ashamed that I still wasn't strong enough to keep from porn and wanted to deal with it on my own. I know that was a mistake. The last time I backslid was because of a very dark time in my life and I didn't keep my guard up. After that time, things only got worse for me but I had had enough of the shame and guilt I felt from watching porn. That is when I joined this community to stop fighting the battle on my own. I told my girlfriend 2 months after my last backslide about everything I'd gone through because I managed to keep from porn through the remainder of the dark time that continued to get worse each day. I was happy with my accomplishment but, as you can guess, my girlfriend was not. She's hurt that I didn't tell her before hand that I was still dealing with my addiction. She's happy that I'm still making progress but is reconsidering our relationship. I understand where she's coming from and am not wondering why she's upset and hurt. I just don't know what to do to assure her that porn wont get in the way of our relationship. I feel that there's is nothing I can do anymore but wait for her to make her decision. I love her and just need some guidance on if there's anything more I can and should be doing to make her feel more secure about her continuing to be with me. If anyone can offer some words of wisdom I'd really appreciate it. Y'all have a great day.
     
  2. significantother

    significantother Fapstronaut

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    @_Prof_X ... It's good that you told her eventually but to her it's as if you've been lying for 2 months.
    Is your gf still talking to you? If so communicate to her how you made a mistake. Also, does she know you're on here? That helped a lot with me and my bf. How often he goes on here really assures me that he's in control of his addiction.
    I'd start a journal on here in which you are completely honest about urges and triggers. Don't aim it at your gf but if she were to read it, it would assure her.

    Best of luck :)
     
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  3. _Prof_X

    _Prof_X Fapstronaut

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    @significantother
    So even though I told her before we started dating about this problem, I'm still considered a liar? I'm not questioning you I'm just making sure this is the situation I'm in. It was really hard for me to talk about it back then because it brought back the feelings of hatred and shame I felt towards myself for letting myself backslide. Still my fault for not making sure she knew exactly what I was going through. Yes we still talk. She's distant now and doesn't want to be around me very much, which I understand that she needs space. I've told her that I joined a support group but that was all. I'll take your advice and start a journal. Thank you very much.
     
  4. significantother

    significantother Fapstronaut

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    @_Prof_X ... In those 2 months though, did she ever ask you how you were doing? Even if it was just in general, that would have been the opportunity to tell her you relapsed and I think you know that. She must've seen a change in your behaviour when you were relapsing ... ? Or did you just tell her it was because other things were happening in your life that were upsetting you?
    With this problem it's best you're completely honest.

    From your reply, I'm guessing she never directly asked you if you relapsed? So in your mind, you never directly lied. But to her, you're hiding information that you know you should tell her.

    I'm glad you're starting a journal ... it will help :)
     
  5. Limeaid

    Limeaid Guest

    Unfortunately she has every right to leave this relationship because she feels betrayed. You would feel similar had she done this to you. Having said that, in my opinion, had she wanted to leave she likely would have already left. I would go to her one more time and pour my heart and soul out to her and ask her for both forgiveness and help. She will be your biggest ally in this addiction without a doubt and the time of dealing with this on your own is over...but you already knew that! Oh and 88 days is amazing!!
     
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  6. GeorgeWasHere

    GeorgeWasHere Fapstronaut

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    @_Prof_X - My wife has been disappointed and upset every time I've relapsed. It's brutally hard to have the one you love be so mad and disappointed in you. Also I'm in complete agreement with @Limeaid. If she was going to go there is a good chance she would have left already. It's not a guarantee, but she may just need some time to work it out. I just went through a brief separation because of a relapse and I just needed to be patient. As much as you might want it you cannot rush her decision. The pushier you are, the more likely she is to push you away. Resist the urge to wallow in your misery and self-pity. Most women find that nauseating in men and it will win you no favors. Be calm and resolute about the fact you are dedicated to your recovery then shut your mouth and LISTEN. Resist the urge to talk or try and defend your actions. Be accepting of the fact that your behavior hurt her and you understand her pain. That said the rest is up to her. The only thing you can do is focus on yourself and your recovery. Let her see you in action in taking charge of your recovery. Be strong and she will see it. Hang in there my friend. Prayers, thoughts, and positive energies headed your way. Keep the faith.

    GWH
     
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  7. _Prof_X

    _Prof_X Fapstronaut

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  8. GeorgeWasHere

    GeorgeWasHere Fapstronaut

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