Hurting all over...

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Cindy, Jan 20, 2018.

  1. Cindy

    Cindy Fapstronaut

    Hi everyone. I'm in a serious long term relationship with an addict.

    Tonight, right at this very moment, I can safely say I have never felt so much hurt and felt so insignificant in my entire life.

    And that makes me feel guilty somehow because two weeks ago I once again placed my trust in him and believed him when he told me I am more important to him than p and he can't lose me.

    And I choose to believe him simply because I love him and I know he doesn't mean to hurt me.

    Last night we connected for the first time in months on a deep emotional level. Oh, how I had missed this. Last night is also the first night in months that we had s that I was able to push away the bad thoughts and the low self esteem and focus on him and our love.

    About three hours ago he immersed himself into the world of p again. Without so much as a blink of the eye. And as he manages to tear his eyes away from the screen for mere seconds because I begged him to, I saw it. His eyes had changed, like they always do, glazed, almost lifeless...and I realized with mind blowing sadness that I had lost again. I was second choice again. I was an option again. I was the woman that wasn't good enough for the man that I loved with my entire being.

    And with that came the gut wrenching realization that I'll never be good enough for him. As I write this with my heart shattered as he sits in another room with his phone in his hand, I cannot begin to describe the manic feelings threatening to overwhelm me.

    I'm not good enough again. I'm not good enough again. I'm not good enough again.

    Why do I stay? Why do I allow him to break me little by little at his discretion? Why does this hurt so much? Why can't I stop loving him? Why do I feel so worthless?

    I want out. I thought I could do this. I thought I could support him and love him unconditionally as he tries to stop again, but this is killing me. And it shatters me to know that he loves me so very much...but just a little less than p.

    I feel utterly lost at this very moment.
    Vulkan likes this.
  2. Hey @Cindy ,

    I've heard those same words so many times in Al-Anon meetings. NoFap and Al-Anon are very different programs. But, both have a mission to help family of addicts. Al-Anon is for anyone affected by someone else's drinking. NoFap is for those affected by someone else's use of online porn as well as for those who are porn addicts.

    First, I'm a long time member of AA and I have a few 24 hours sober (sobriety date: 2/16/1996) and have put together a few 24 hours in NoFap as well. After a 120 day hard reboot, I switched to a mode I call Sex Positive (still no porn).

    I try not to offer advise or opinion - only ESH (experience, strength and hope).

    In addition to being a member of AA and NoFap, I am a member of Al-Anon. Although, AA was my main program I did attend Al-Anon as often as I could. My brother is an addict, as well as other family members.

    What I've learned in Al-Anon is that, I didn't cause it, it's not my problem and I can't fix it. I learned a great deal more, of course - like not to enable certain behaviors. But, my brother's addiction is not my fault, it's not because I failed and it was never my parents fault either.

    I don't know if that helped, but I hope it did.

    Send some "hellos" to a few other members. Just say "hi". I'll put them in a 2nd post.

    * L
  3. For me NoFap is 1/2 program & 1/2 fellowship. Click on these people and post a "hello" on their profiles:

    @Rising Sun !!
    @Ready to be healthy
    @Struggle Bug

    Take a look at who they are exchanging messages. You will find more profiles.

    So, if you would have found more profiles yourself, why suggest these particular ones as a start? My experience is that the bricks that holds this community together is cemented in my having found support from other members. Those relationships started with just saying hello. So, my ESH is that saying hello has kept the fellowship alive for myself.

    Looking forward to your success and in seeing you say hello on these profiles,

    * L
  4. Cindy

    Cindy Fapstronaut

    I envy your belief in yourself. I used to be an outgoing, I am what I am, my best friend is me kind of woman. I believed in myself and had a great self esteem. And that's what I am battling with so very hard, knowing logically somewhere deep down inside that I am worthy of being with someone that puts me first and loves me for me...but yet still I seem to want to keep going and believe that he will change, because maybe, just maybe, I'll win back some self confidence.
  5. Hey @Cindy ,

    First, your physical and mental safety is paramount. You MUST make sure you are safe. Safe means more than not being physically or mentally hurt. You must be financially safe and secure.

    Now, this is going to be so very hard for you to do: Don't Just Do Something - Sit There.

    Seriously, it's time for you to find help. There is help in NoFap, but you need a therapist, a trusted spiritual adviser, a dear and very close friend to get advise from.

    Also, you are in a "relationship". Therefore I assume you are not married. That can make things easier or more difficult - depending on who owns what and where the money is located.

    Take your time. Don't rush and don't give away your hand. Talk to a lawyer. Find out how to exit the situation correctly.

    Now, understand, I'm not saying that you should leave him or kick him out. Just that once your ducks are all lined up in a row, you will have options that you do not have now.

    I don't know the ultimate answer. I do know you should wait, take your time. Get information. Realize, it's not your fault. You can't fix this by enabling him. Only by facilitating his journey to "rock bottom".

    * L
  6. Cindy

    Cindy Fapstronaut

    I know 100% inside of me that I need to see a therapist. This low self worth is not something that I'm going to be able to deal with myself. At this very moment and for the last several hours, I have never experienced such a low. Never. How can he do this to me and yet profess to love me? Does he enjoy hurting me? When did things change? When did I become undesirable and unwanted? What did I do wrong?
    And I know its not my fault. I know I'm worth more than he deserves. But right now I can't see the logic and I can't help how I'm feeling.
  7. I must change

    I must change Fapstronaut

    Hi Cindy, you are enough!! It seems your self esteem, worth and value is tied to this other person actions opinions and thoughts. I think you don't see your value as a person cuz your looking at this relationship as the end all this person is the one and only one your mind is telling you ,his actions tell you otherwise (its has nothing to do with you but all do with his inability to quit his addiction ) Ask yourself this question could you live without him? if you say no, your thinking may be problem ,not him. or Maybe he needs some tough love to push him in the right direction, leave the relationship and tell him you're not coming back until he seeks help. not quit on his own he already tried and couldn't . (Every person is different to overcoming there own problems ) In his case You're asking the brain that is addicted porn to fix his problem I don't think the same brain is going to cure HIS problem , he needs help there is nothing wrong with that. Your tying your value to another person who has an addiction. don't compare the two you are worth so much more. I think in your mind , it would help your emotions to separate this person from his addiction.
    I hope this helps .
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2018
    Cindy likes this.
  8. Cindy

    Cindy Fapstronaut

    Thank you so very much. I'm going to read your comment every day, it has really made me feel a bit better.
    hoping_cannon likes this.
  9. There is a simple and a complicated answer to your question.

    Simple answer: He's an addict which makes his addiction more important than anything else.

    Complicated answer: He's an addict that has not hit rock bottom. You can't fix it, you didn't cause it and it's not your fault. What you can do is not enable his behavior. But, you must never endanger yourself.

    Regarding feeling so low. Do not hurt yourself. Promise me that. If you feel like you might hurt yourself, please promise you will phone:

    National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

    Call 1-800-273-8255
    Available 24 hours everyday

    No matter what you will survive this.

    * L
    Cindy likes this.
  10. Cindy

    Cindy Fapstronaut

    No pls don't worry about that.

    I know deep inside eventually it will be okay.
  11. Runtilmylegsdropoff

    Runtilmylegsdropoff Fapstronaut

    Find yourself a Man who will treat you like you're enough; because life is too short.
    Cindy likes this.
  12. Just a thought - you might want to start a thread here:

    About the Partner Support Section:

    A support section for partners of people who have had or currently have PMO-related problems.

    Threads that belong in this section:
    • New user introductions
    • Partners-of-porn-addicts journals
    • Dealing with negative emotions
    • Dealing with trust issues
    • Dealing with lying
    • Dealing with feelings of betrayal
    • Partner success stories
    • Establishing boundaries
    • Codependence
    • Partner support groups (limited to 20 people or less)
    • Tips on how to help partners recover from porn
    Cindy likes this.
  13. This sounds like something you'd read in science fiction.

    He doesn't stop watching, and start closing windows, when you walk into the room? The horror.....
    Cindy likes this.
  14. Cindy

    Cindy Fapstronaut

    Haha u just made me laugh. Sorry, I'm a writer...its a habit.
  15. You know, that thought did occur to me - I think. Not that it makes any of this any less horrible.
    Cindy likes this.
  16. I used to use the <Windows>D command to take me to my home screen. Less obvious (or so I thought), the first tab on the left of my browser was always some boring science article about Mars or a new form of flu virus.

    I think it was more obvious than I thought, the way alcoholics think you can't smell vodka
    Cindy likes this.
  17. Cindy

    Cindy Fapstronaut

    Still way down in my hole of self pity and helplessness. The way every thing happened last night has hurt me too much this time I think.
    Just the thought of him touching me makes me feel sick in my stomach and that is a feeling I have never experienced toward him.

    I'm terrified of leaving but terrified of staying.
  18. Hey @Cindy ,

    That's why I gave you my experience that it's time to: Don't just do something sit there.

    Not only do you need to figure out what you want, you'll need time to get your "exit plan" or his "I've changed the locks, that's why your key doesn't work" plan ready.

    Legal and spiritual advise would be a good thing.

    * l
  19. You'll have to figure out which will hurt worst - and longest.
  20. Mike Hastings

    Mike Hastings Fapstronaut


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