She suprised me by explaining that if i had just been honest with her about my desires that she would have helped me achive them. She explained that she was hurt and dissapointed, but she was in our relationship for the long haul and was willing to continue if i would seek help.
It is very common for the SO to be much more hurt by the lies and deceit than by the addictive behaviors, and although a lot of addict partners believe their SO will walk away the instant they find out the truth, very often the opposite is true. Some of us have stayed much longer than we ever believed we could in an effort to be supportive, hoping to repair the damaged relationship.
Everytime i did she knew. I thought i was slick with hidin
Yes, the SO almost always knows something isn't right, even if they're unaware of the addiction specifically. Too often, addicts tell themselves they’re not hurting anyone..."what they don't know won't hurt them"...but that's only one of the many inaccuracies they believe because the truth is, it
does hurt the SO and the relationship whether they know about the addiction or not. You might be good at hiding certain things, but, unfortunately, the addiction changes people in ways the addict doesn't realize themselves, and therefore, it's extremely difficult if not impossible to hide that.
It's good that you're taking more steps this time, but you can do all the right things...the things everyone else who's successful in their recovery does...and still be a long ways from recovery. I noticed something significant you said in your post that I wanted to mention because it's actually just as important as all the steps you take, or probably even more important...
I started therapy and got the family link on my phone so she could see what i was doing. Yet i still managed to find loopholes to get what i wanted, still looked at porn or even just lewd images to masterbate to.
The reason I'm bringing attention to this is because i know sometimes when someone starts doing recovery work, especially when they've been discovered by their SO and didn't 'choose' recovery on their own, they convince themselves they actually
want recovery, and they hope their SO believes they want it, too. But, deep down, they really don't want to give up their addiction. They know their SO is hurting terribly, and they don't want that, but it isn't enough to want to give up what they feel is really more important to them...the addiction.
So, what I'm wondering is, when you started therapy and got the monitor on your phone, did you think in your mind that you truly wanted to rid your life of the addiction? Or, were you consciously aware that you were not yet ready to make that 'sacrifice,' yet you also knew that your SO had to see certain things to seem like that's what you wanted in order to save the relationship?
Ask yourself if this time is any different than the last. Do you honestly want to put your addictive behaviors in the past and no longer have it in your life because you know that's what is best for yourself? Or, do you feel like that's what you
should do because your relationship is hanging by a thread and you're desperate to save it? I think the outcome of recovery efforts can very often be determined by the honest answer to this question.
