Husband is getting rougher

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by Missmadness, May 28, 2019.

  1. Jackb97

    Jackb97 Fapstronaut

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    She didn't ask me for my consent either. Was I raped?
     
  2. Orest

    Orest Fapstronaut

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    *like at least tell them "im gonna choke you till you turn red for sexual pleasure,would you like that?" if she says no dont do it!I know it sounds funny lol but i think you realise what im talking about and dont worry its not boring,you feel better when she wants you to do it to her trust me!
     
  3. Orest

    Orest Fapstronaut

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    yep...im sorry man...im really sorry if this happened to you...you can report it to the police but people need to be more aware about males getting raped
     
  4. Jackb97

    Jackb97 Fapstronaut

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    Ahahaha. Damn. Cant believe I'm a rape victim... Pretty sure rape cant be an enjoyable experience, but okay I guess.
     
  5. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    Hi. Sorry I'm late to this, but I just saw it. You were asking if others had similar experience and I am an SO who has. I went through a spell with my husband a while back, and as with your case, it arose out of nowhere and confused me at first. He began pulling hair, slapping, biting, putting his fingers in my mouth in weird and painful ways (why is this a "thing" in porn?!!), choking (he would put his arm across my throat to hold me down during sex which in one case left a bruise and affected my voice for several days), holding my shoulders and upper arms down against the bed, and some scratching. Love-making would start out as "normal" (not violent - unlike your situation, BDSM has never been a thing with us) but then he would lose his erection. Soon after, the violence would start. It took me a while (I know - naive), but I eventually realized he needed the violence to maintain his erection and orgasm with me. In my confusion and desperation, I tolerated it for a while. Like you, I had a dread fear of doing anything that would "set him back" or would draw attention to his ED. Like you, I wanted to be helpful and as SOs we are often praised for "tip-toeing" around the feelings of deeply damaged man-children at the expense of our own needs and protection. But eventually, I sat him down and gently asked why he was doing this. He could not articulate a satisfactory answer and seemed sheepish about discussing it. So I laid out clearly what I thought was happening, ie because of his porn viewing habits and fears about performance, he needed violence in order to finish. He immediately admitted I was correct and began to cry. I wondered why this had just started, though. Turns out that before I knew about the SA, I had always "bought" (with reservations) his explanation about the ED being caused by aging. But now that I knew about the SA, we had been discussing the correlation between his porn use and his ED. He was deeply worried by this and desperate to "not let me down". And in his SA-warped brain, I guess he actually thought I would rather be physically hurt than work with his ED in a gentler way. After all, the women in porn are portrayed as absolutely loving being hurt and humiliated and somehow, perfectly intelligent men believe this on some level. I'll never understand it.

    But my story has a happy ending. I told him that this behavior was not okay and that I would not tolerate it anymore, (and I delineated in detail what was and was not okay) and he agreed to stop and that we would increase our open discussions about the ED. After this, there were a couple of times during sex when he began pulling my hair. The first time, I said, "You're doing it again." The second time, I got angry, reached up and gave his hair a good yank. Not surprisingly, he complained like a toddler instead of getting more turned on. I then patiently explained that women, too, are human beings - not inhuman, sex-starved beasts who crave punishment and humiliation, as porn would have us believe. We had no more problems with this behavior.

    Furthermore, I can report that the ED resolved over time and I believe it had something to do with an open, fresh-air discussion policy about it. We talked about it a lot, and on several occasions, halted sex to discuss it and the feelings surrounding it. These intimate discussions often led to picking up where we left off, but with a much more intimate and satisfying conclusion.

    Please stay safe and don't compromise your own safety in your attempts to help him. Hugs to you.
     
    need4realchg likes this.
  6. Missmadness

    Missmadness Fapstronaut

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    Thank you, its very refreshing to hear a happy ending, weve been very open about his PA and ED, i dont know why iv found this bit so difficult to discuss, i guess its fear of sending him back to PMO and hiding it better and months more of lying and me feeling resentment towards him have made me stay quiet, But at the same time i know its not appropriate, so i will definitley tackle it with him asap. Thanks again

    To the lady/man who said its rape and or abuse, technically if you dont consent yes it is rape, but many times iv had sex with my husband and we both dont get verbal and or written consent so i guess iv raped him and hes raped me many times based upon your thinking/logic. It just doesnt work like that, i didnt consent for him to choke me or bite me, but like someone mentioned i also never said stop or no, and i too enjoy it to a certain degree, overtime the line had been crossed however, and i strongly believe its due to his PA watching more hardcore porn and becoming Desensitized to the violence and thinking that all women love being treated like that. Thank you for your input tho
     
    need4realchg and Susannah like this.
  7. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    In the interest of full disclosure, I want you to know that our "happy ending" pertains only to our greater understanding of his violence and ED. We are actually separated right now due to his addiction. Just wanted to be clear about that.
     
    need4realchg likes this.
  8. James02

    James02 Fapstronaut

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    @Missmadness Good luck with everything. I'm sure you will figure this out. I've read a lot of material that suggest this behavior is a direct response to pornography addiction. If he ceases the porn, I assume he will heal. Best of luck & don't be afraid to pray, pray pray b/c Heaven will help.
     
  9. Missmadness

    Missmadness Fapstronaut

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    Im certainly praying thank you, susannah im sorey your going through that, i hope things get better for you one way or another, sometimes the hardest thing walking away can also be the best.
     

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