husband that stopped porn but doesn't believe in quitting...

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by WifeWithQuestions1, Mar 9, 2019.

Husband quit porn for me, doesn't believe there's a problem w/it. Will he still get the benefits?

  1. He will get all the benefits

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  2. He will get some of the benefits

    8 vote(s)
    40.0%
  3. It will just take longer to get the benefits

    1 vote(s)
    5.0%
  4. He will get no benefits

    9 vote(s)
    45.0%
  5. Other

    3 vote(s)
    15.0%
Multiple votes are allowed.
  1. WifeWithQuestions1

    WifeWithQuestions1 Fapstronaut

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    So... My husband has stopped watching porn. He doesn't think anything is wrong with it and has never hidden it from me. He only hid it on the browser history after I asked him to, years ago when every time I stubbled upon it, felt like a knife. Our sex life is empty. He says that he has low sex drive and thinks that the frequency is the problem when that is just a piece of it. He could not understand all the nuances of loneliness I feel. He says I expect too much.
    In any case, he quit cold turkey and while I know most people will say that he is just "saying" it, they don't know my husband. He quit other addictions cold turkey in the past and once he puts his mind to something, that's it. Plus, if he fell through, he would tell me as he agreed to since he doesn't believe in lying.

    Long story short... My husband quit but not mentally. He is not "rebooting" and believes that this is all crap. Would he still get to the point where his mind changes back? Would we ever get the kind intimacy that married people deserve?
     
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  2. Minnesotan

    Minnesotan Fapstronaut

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    I don’t see how he can claim to quit but still think that it’s not a problem. That doesn’t sound like the mindset of someone that actually wants to quit.
     
  3. WifeWithQuestions1

    WifeWithQuestions1 Fapstronaut

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    He doesn't want to quit. But I asked if we could try a porn-free marriage.
     
  4. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    hope4healing likes this.
  5. WifeWithQuestions1

    WifeWithQuestions1 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks eyeswideopen. That was a very informative video. Although it is very heartbreaking. I don't know that he would find such inner drive.
    The video helped though because it lead me down a rabbit hole of videos that allowed me to pinpoint my exact problem with porn.
    I crave intimacy. It's in my blood and soul, I can feel it. Our sex is not intimate. I could be a shell of a person and I doubt he would notice a difference. I get the deep, disturbing, and probably accurate feeling that he is not even thinking about me during sex. It's empty and painful.
    At least now, instead of having a bunch of examples that don't make sense to him, I have a concept of the sexual relationship I would love to have with him
     
  6. Everyone is different so I suppose he could...but I wouldn't count on it. Without the change of mindset, they're really just a 'dry drunk.' I don't see how they could open themselves to true intimacy without ditching the old way of thinking.

    I'm saying this all from the perspective of a PA's wife whose husband has clung to the sobriety = recovery belief for years. He can go for months at a time without PMO, and in his mind, he thinks, "See, I don't have a problem. I don't need to do anything more." But, without any recovery work or changes in thinking, there's no more intimacy, empathy, or progress than there ever was before. He said just a few days ago (when I was trying to talk to him about doing some recovery work of any kind), "I said I would stop, I said I was sorry, and I asked for your forgiveness. There's nothing else I can do." However, he said he would stop and he's sorry about 10 or more times in the past...before he eventually relapsed. So, this 'method' is clearly not working, and there are obviously other things he could do. But, nothing will actually change until he wants it to, unfortunately.

    Hopefully your situation won't be the same as mine. But, I think it's really unlikely you're going to get the intimacy you want until he has a change of heart and not just a change of habits. I'm sorry to say that because it sucks. But, I also don't want you to do what I've done and spend year after year being hurt and disappointed because you keep hoping that his simply abstaining is going to bring about all the changes your heart is wanting.

    Hang in there.
     
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  7. WifeWithQuestions1

    WifeWithQuestions1 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for words. I wish it did work that way. I can see how he will probably just end up being a "dry drunk" and resenting me for it.
     
    hope4healing likes this.
  8. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling. In all this heartbreak, it's a good sign that your husband believes in honesty. Some men just... don't.

    Your partner probably do not see the harm he is causing you because his brain is very wired around his addiction. It's a theory (of mine) that we can only recognize our bad habits after we have stopped them completely and mentally adjusted to a healthier state. A former overeater may get horrified she used to eat a family pizza by herself, followed with a pack of doughnuts. A cleptomaniac can't believe that he really used to go around stealing small useless stuff, once he is in recovery and have stopped completely. I hope more PAs here can come over to this thread and provide more info and personal accounts about this. But if one consider the neurological impact p addiction has on the user, one might also be temped to believe the loss of grey matter in itself correlates to the loss of empathy and logic.
     
  9. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    I’m interested in how your situation goes! Mine is comparable. At the beginning, after discovery of his sex chatroom actuvities, my husband was interested in changing his way of thinking. There was momentum in the beginning with books, exercises and talking more. However most of the mindfulness and intimacy exercises have died off six months later. Perhaps he has changed his mindset (I’ll never truly know because unfortunately my husband isn’t as honest as yours sounds), and he certainly is a better spouse and father in general now— more present and engaged, less grumpy and withdrawn. But he has been interested in no other recovery tools and feels like quitting is enough in and of itself. And even then, I feel he’s done it more for me than for himself. Though he does say he’s glad to not be doing chatroom stuff anymore.

    So my thoughts are that if he quits the activity there is potential for significant change but probably not as much room for growth as if he is actively acting into recovery. Our sex life has definitely improved (abstaining from porn stuff helped my husband recover from PIED) but we still have much room to grow. My husband isn’t actively using any recovery tools now and I still feel somewhat stagnant. I crave true intimacy just like you.

    We had a tough week where I detached because my husband removed accountability software from his phone without my consent. We had a big talk and he added it back so we have resumed intimacy. It’s an ongoing dilemma. I start counseling tomorrow. Not sure how/when/if I will fully trust him again (without accountability software) since he has perpetually lied and hid his online sexual behavior from me in the past.

    I wish you the best of luck, a change of heart in your husband and increased intimacy. I know how lonely it can feel.
     
  10. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    If he is resenting you, then yep, the change is useless. However, even if he isn't lying (which is great) and you can handle the porn use to some extent...it IS affecting your marriage. It is affecting his sex drive and intimacy. If he was doing this without resentment, you would notice! However, if he can quite many things cold turkey, then he has to be the driver here, because even the challenge of a no-O reboot might just be a hurdle to get past and not an exercise in healing.

    Oh, but also...he is lying. Maybe not hiding the use, but using porn and saying you have a low libido is BS. I said that once to my wife and was rightly called out for it. The truth was closer to "I use porn to satisfy my needs so I can appear to have a low libido". Truth is I have no idea what my real libido is in a normal healthy relationship because I haven't tried that in years. Hoping to figure that out after doing the hard mode 90 day thing.

    I hope you get the intimacy you want and deserve.
     
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  11. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    Sure, technically, it's a desire not a need, but for humans it is pretty damn close. I don't think these pages would be quite so busy if sexuality wasn't sort of important to us.

    Whatever, "I use porn to satisfy my desires so I can appear to have a low libido" works just as well.
     
  12. Bogo Biggins

    Bogo Biggins Fapstronaut

    Honestly, anyone who dosnt realise P is wrong is not living in reality. P isn't just screwing his life up, it is actually makes the user into a different person. For me the very first thing an addict has to do to get off the drug is realise they are sick. If they don't realise this, there is no chance.
     
  13. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    That's so interesting... I've always wondered about the personality change. My husband is a completely different person nowadays. He is very withdrawn, non-communicative, sometimes very moody, even angry. He is not interested in intimacy one bit (I initiate 100% of all the kisses, hugs and sex, but mostly get rejected). Is this a common phenomenon among PAs?
     
    Professor Abraham likes this.
  14. Bogo Biggins

    Bogo Biggins Fapstronaut

    I can tell you as a former addict, there is DEFINITELY personality change. I liken the pmo addict to being a vampire, a shadow of their real selves.

    One of the biggest benefits for me is I have a wonderful control of my temper now, I never had before. I never have arguments with my wife now. Ever. I love her so much more. It hurts how much I love her now. Writing this actually is making me well up.
     
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  15. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    That's wonderful and very thought provoking, thank you for your input. "Shadow" is a great description. It's like his spirit is somehow gone, like the wonderful man I once knew is obliterated.
     
    Professor Abraham likes this.
  16. Bogo Biggins

    Bogo Biggins Fapstronaut

    Absolutely. This is the thing SOs need to understand: the pmo addict is not the person they married, it is not the person they fell in love with. They are ill. They (the addict) have to acknowledge this, then they can try and get rid of the pmo vampire. Once and for all.

    Twelve months ago I hit rock bottom - I was about to go and see a prostitute (thank god I saw sense at the last minute). That person is not me anymore. That person represents everything I detest. Thinking about what I wanted to do then makes me want to vomit. I was a very ill person.
     
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  17. Bogo Biggins

    Bogo Biggins Fapstronaut

    Absolutely 100% agree with @GhostWriter here. Sex is not a prerequisite to a good life. It is not so much about needs, it is about happiness though. But what makes us happy depends on our values, it depends on what we believe in. It isn't about simple biology: sex is biology, yes, but that dosnt mean it is essential to our lives.

    A good analogy, for me, is having my hair cut. If I get a hair cut it might make me feel better right now. However, I don't need to get my haircut. In fact, if I let my hair grow a bit (that's biology too), maybe it will suit me better in the long run?
     
    Last edited: Mar 17, 2019
  18. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    LOL, I still think it's pretty close to a need. My analogy would be not hair but fingernails .... Pretty uncomfortable if they don't get cut from time to time, and optimal if cut and tended to regularly.
     
    Professor Abraham likes this.
  19. Bogo Biggins

    Bogo Biggins Fapstronaut

    I guess if I bite my fingernails it is like masterbation (yes, I unfortunately bite my fingernails)?
     
  20. If he is as you say that he can scrub it off because he is a guy of strong will then he is not hooked. If he does it for you then I think this is really great. I have a similar approach in my vow to my wife.
    If you trust him that he keeps doing this for you this can be a strong deep beautiful bond between you guys. Did the sex life improve and increase since he said he quit? Or same. There should be increase or improvement. I think that’s a sign.

    I do it because I realized the betrayal I did and I believe in energy. So if I disburse it from my wife even if I don’t cheat physically with someone else I still disburse something that should be kept with us together only. If I don’t I invite things to enter that shouldn’t or quality to reduce that shouldn’t. That’s my new conviction about which I am strong about. I don’t want anything sexual to live or grow outside of the intimacy with my wife anymore.
     
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