I’m done relapsing. I just want to know if this counts.

Tonight I relapsed again. It is definitely not good, as I binged 2 days ago heavy.

I’m just done. This comes to an end. No more relapsing. I’ve said this at least 100 times but tonight I’m done. I wasn’t even supposed to relapse in 2020, but I did and I’ve had enough.

What caused me to relapse is my stupid intrusive thoughts, and so I don’t relapse again, I’m asking for insight here, I’ve asked many times about things on the forum, and now I need clarity on this.

When hearing the tv earlier, I had intrusive fantasies. I did not P M or O, but these intrusive fantasies about voices on tv got caused urges. I could’ve got through them, but my mindset of “the dopamine has to be released now” had me worried.

let me clarify on intrusive fantasies. When hearing the voices on tv, my mind didn’t want to fantasize, but when you trying not to, instrusive thoughts cause you to anyway. I couldn’t control the tv as someone else was watching it and I live in a small house in the middle of winter, but I just need to know, is hearing voices on tv and fantasizing a relapse? Probably not I would guess, but I did cause me to have urges early on in the streak. The biggest part about all of this is, I never worried or even thought about this stuff in February-April 2019 when I hit a 57 day streak and felt amazing, so I know I’m just focusing on it way too much. Better yet, the question I should probably be asking is, how do you stop worrying about the little things like this? Please, constructive critism welcome here. I’m trying to recover from this. That’s the important thing. So all helpful insight is definitely welcome.

I know before this I never worried about little stuff like walking and rubbing against stuff and hearing things. It didn’t even cross my mind, I would hit 20-40 day streaks all the time too.


Let me know things that should help me,
Thanks