I’m having some issues with myself and a relationship- its scary.

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by Botaric, Aug 5, 2019.

  1. Botaric

    Botaric New Fapstronaut

    Hi, I’m kind of new here. I’m 15, a guy, and I’ve been in a relationship with a girl for about 6 months now, one of my longest and most serious relationships. Now before I go into the problem, I just want to note that my significant other has had serious issues with suicide/depression in the past, and is very insecure about her body. She is a lot better now, thank god. And some stuff about me- I’ve had a serious addiction from the age of 8, so when all of this started, I was in the mindset where at the time, didnt think what I was doing was bad. So about 3 months ago, she went through my saved images on instagram and found pictures of girls on there, both from our school and randoms. And the minute that happened, everytime I saw her in person it would always start and end with her in tears, and it physically and mentally shattered my heart. It hurt to see the person I loved most in pain, from some stupid impulses that inevitably led to fapping. Eventually it got better, I had promised her that I would not masturbate to porn or pictures or anything of the sort at all, and for a while I did just that. Then about more than half a month later, after everything is mainly okay, I relapsed hard. It kept happening more often, and every time I felt worse after I did it, but these impulses just came like bullets to me everytime I saw a picture “of the sort”. It got to the point where I even masturbated to pictures of some of her friends, and from there I started to feel worse and worse. I had never even considered to ever tell her about any of this, because I could not risk her going back to her dark place, and doing something she cannot come back from. Fastforward to about two weeks ago, was the last time I fapped to anything besides her, and I went on a trip for another two weeks. And since the start of it, I hadnt fapped to anything, again, besides her, and when I came back and saw her, I felt seriously awkward and awful. It was only after yesterday when i saw her for a full day after weeks, that I started to feel overwhelmed with guilt and sickness. I cant be with her without thinking of everything i had done two weeks prior, and its gotten to the point where I woke up and cried this morning. I felt so miserable- somewhat better as of now, but I know later it’ll happen again. I don’t know what to do- I cant go without remembering those things I did, and god knows i cant tell her, it hurts to even think of such a thought. I love her with all of my heart. I cried this morning telling myself that I have to just put it behind me, and not let something this ridiculous of me to be the end of a beautiful relationship, and that I wont ever do something like this again. But I dont know- the thoughts and memories of what i do just keep coming, and i cant take it. It hurts to think about. I don’t know what to do. Everything is becoming so overwhelming.
  2. Luvspin68

    Luvspin68 Fapstronaut

    You are very mature for your age.
    And you are very empathic...... meaning you are feeling what it would be like to be in you SO shoes.
    That’s excellent!
    You are very young......... and in what seems to be a very serious relationship. Maybe it’s too much pressure for you?

    It’s amazing that you are realizing that what you did did not coincide with your values.

    But stop beating yourself up.
    Congratulations on realizing you want to change...... and for coming here.

    Read about NoFap. Try to put your “guilty” energy into learning about yourself......
    There are a lot of GREAT people here to reach out to.

    Good luck!
    Botaric likes this.
  3. Breadman

    Breadman Fapstronaut

    You’re 15. You’re in an incredible hormone surge period of life. Masturbating is something you’re likely to do throughout life. Most people do. The thing is dump the porn, do the best you can on the M-ing, forgive yourself when you slip up. It’s only really bad for you if it takes over your life. Same thing goes for feeling guilt.
    Take care.
    Botaric and (deleted member) like this.
  4. ryguyuplift

    ryguyuplift Fapstronaut

    A realization I had about porn

    When you are in your early teens, you start watching porn, and it starts fucking up your life. You don't know it at the time, but your relationships with your parents are getting fucked up, and you're developing an objectified view of girls.

    Then you watch it through your mid to late teens, through high school. It ruins your relationships with girls there. In my case, I never got laid because I was watching porn all the time. The one time I went to lose my virginity - just to say I did it - I couldn't even get hard because of PIED.

    Then you go through your early and mid-twenties. You aren't out dating around and trying to find someone compatible for you, because you're watching porn all the time. In my case, the few relationships I found, I fucked them up because I was a sex addict. One girl I tied up, handcuffed, gagged, dressed her up - all kinds of messed up shit. Not that it's wrong to do that stuff, but I was just coming from a bad place. The next girl I got pregnant. The next girl had sexual issues from being raped as a child and I was just way too intense for her because I'm a sex addict. Porn has completely ruined my relationships and dating life in my twenties.

    I'm 29, but from what I've gathered, when you continue using porn into your early to mid-30s, you end up completely alone. At this point, the dating pool has dried up. Everyone is getting married, settling down, and having kids. Meanwhile, you are alone, depressed, and stuck in the 9-5 rat race. You're starting to feel the effects of aging, losing your hair, your looks, and so on. Guys in their early to mid-20s are outcompeting you for younger girls and they are more compatible with them too. You're behind on the technology and what's trending, and you're getting left behind.

    Then you reach your late 30s and look back at your entire life that was completely wasted from porn. It's over, and there is no getting it back. You had one life, and you took it for granted. All you have to be grateful for are the hundreds of thousands of orgasms you had of videos of one barely legal slut after the next.

    I'm 29, and I've gone through a lot of this story. I'm determined to get my life back before it's too late. There is so much more to life than meaningless orgasms with videos of whores. If they were real people, it would be better, but still be worthless because you'd be alone in an empty bed at the end of the night. I want a real person next to me. Someone I can share my life with, grow with, and we can support each other. I want to feel the high of real happiness and fulfillment, a high that doesn't even compare to porn and sex addiction. I pray to god I have the strength to overcome this addiction, feel these wonderful feelings, and live a life worth living. I also pray that everyone on here experiences the same. Let's band together and fight this plague together.

    Here is something I pulled from one of my posts ^^^. Look dude, you're 15. You have high school, college, and your mid-twenties ahead of you. You will NEVER experience this opportunity again. You will not have the time, you will not have the energy, you will not have the looks, you will not have the charisma, and you will not have the opportunity. It will go away. Mark my words. I want you to grasp this and capitalize on it.

    I want you to try and wrap your head around that. I want to point out to you how incredibly lucky you are to be on this forum working on yourself and getting a handle on this addiction at such a young age. This could be the lucky break that changes your life forever.

    Here is some homework. I'm 29, read my journal called "How I Became Addicted to Creepshots." Then, look at the posts in the 30-35 section, the 25-30 section, the 20-25 section, and so on. I want you to wrap your head around how damaging this addiction can be, and what road it leads down. This will reframe your brain to associate massive amounts of pain with viewing porn, and massive amounts of pleasure from staying clean.

    Furthermore, it sounds to me like your generation is struggling big time. Fapping to the hardcore shit that's out nowadays at 8? Fucking 8? Look, if you can stay off of this stuff, you will have a MASSIVE advantage over your male counterparts. If your generation is struggling this bad, then they are cattle heading for the slaughterhouse. Their souls and lives will be completely wasted, just like the older guys posting on these forums. Do yourself a huge favor and stay away from this stuff. Porn was no big deal when it was playboy magazines. Now it's a major problem. There are guys on this forum with gender dysphoria, sucking dick when they aren't even gay, hooked on TG porn, you name it. This stuff is bad, bad news. My generation got fucked because we didn't know any better and it was like access to free heroin and nobody told you it was even bad for you. You're blessed because at 15 years old you know better.

    Don't worry about masturbation. It's natural and it's fine. Some guys quit that too so they can build their sexual energy. A lot of the most powerful men in the world in fact. Muhamed Ali and Steve Jobs are the first that come to mind. I recommend this path if you have steady sex with a partner. But, don't feel guilty about masturbation. Men shed sperm like women shed eggs. Girls have their period once per month, and guys jerk off every 3-4 days or so. Guys in my generation and your generation are obviously masturbating more, but I wouldn't worry too much about it. I know for me, it's impossible to binge for 8 hours on just masturbating, but with porn, that's a whole other story. There are a number of guys on here who binge for 8 hours, don't even sleep, and then just go to work the next day. They are pulling all-nighters.

    I want to mention this because I know at 15, I had no idea that my life would lead down this path. Everything you do at this age is like planting seeds, and they will grow. Before you know it, you'll be my age and they will be full-grown trees. You don't want a full-grown porn addiction tree, believe me. Don't let things escalate. Take care of them now. This is your biggest opportunity to do so. Private message me if you need any help along the way. I'm happy to help you out bro. You can do this.
    Botaric and Skiba like this.
  5. Breadman

    Breadman Fapstronaut

    I was very lucky. I’m 70 and grew up with only magazines that barely showed much. It wasn’t till the The 90s when I go the internet. All hell broke loose. The porn was readily available. So I did t start porn till I was in my 50s. So stopping was nowhere near as hard as it is for you younger guys. Still I’m so glad P is in the past for me. 15 years of it messed me up. I’m happy where I am now.
    Botaric likes this.
  6. smoke_ash

    smoke_ash Fapstronaut

    You're doing very well. You're sensitive and compassionate and it's very nice. But be careful with blaming yourself and the sense of guilt. It's not gonna do you any good. We all are human and nobody's perfect. Don't feel remorse every time you relapse and don't be harsh to yourself and you will relapse less. Focus on the positive side of things. Do something nice to your girlfriend, take care of her and you'll be fine. You did nothing wrong to her so far, don't worry.
    As for fapping to images and videos, stop doing it now, while you're young and you'll save yourself so much trouble that I and many other guys have gone through because of that.
    Botaric and Breadman like this.
  7. Botaric

    Botaric New Fapstronaut

    Hey guys, I haven’t checked this forum/thread in a bit, since I was kind of afraid to see the responses I would get, i.e; “you shouldnt have done any of this and you need to tell her”, etc. I was actually about to fap to the thought of my girlfriend just to ease the mind, but I stopped for a second just to see what people had said. And as of 2 days later, I feel improvement from my original thoughts, but it’s far from it being gone. The guilt is always there- even throughout classes, atleast a few times every 3 minutes, I keep saying in my head, “I’m never doing this again. If I do, I’ll break from more guilt- and when that happens, she’ll know. When she knows, she’ll go to a place where she’ll never come back from. Let go of it. Put it behind you. Focus on what’s happening right now, because what you did wont define you now, and it wont ever.” I always told this to myself every 3 minutes, or whenever I found myself accidentally looking at a girls legs or zoning out for a second due to bad habits since childhood. And, I know the guilt is what’s holding me back from 100% acceptance, but it keeps coming almost all the time with me talking to myself in my head, and I can’t seem to control it. For a moment I almost considered hypnosis to forget it because it bothered me so much originally and was mentally drowning me. And what doesn’t help this guilt of mine is that I have to lie to her, because I don’t want her to do something to herself. As I typed this she called me and I went to copy and paste this so I wouldn’t lose it, but told her I was looking at picture frames for posters. It’s stuff like this that makes me question if I’m doing the better thing or not for her, I wish I could just be truthful about it all, but I can’t. In the back of my mind I am mindful that if I make this through, then when time comes for us to be adults this will be talkable between us and the period and tension will pass, but I can never be so sure. I want the guilt to be gone, but at the same time I feel like if it’s gone, then so are my morals, and then my fear of it all happening over again loops in my head, and I can’t risk that for her. A big part of me wants the guilt to leave my mind so I can have a grip on what’s happening in the present, but the other part keeps reminding me every 3 seconds of what I did and talking in my head about never doing it again.
    Last edited: Aug 7, 2019

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