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I’m new here and looking for some advice

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Wolfgirl, Mar 14, 2020.

  1. Wolfgirl

    Wolfgirl Fapstronaut

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    I’m new here and I’m just looking for some advice and coping mechanisms.

    Early in my relationship, my boyfriend revealed to me that he has had a porn addiction for a long time due to early exposure. I was devastated but knew that I love him enough to stay with him and try to help him through this tough time. He always says he’s trying and that he doesn’t want to have his addiction, and I believe him. But sometimes it is hard to believe if he is trying very hard when he has relapsed so many times. I have put restrictions on his phone and laptop, but he says that part of his addiction is finding ways around the restrictions. Though I try to understand what he is going through, I also am struggling with his addiction on my side, but it feels like I can't bring it up because he will be sad that I am sad about his relapses.

    Over the last Christmas break, he relapsed 3 or 4 times when he had been doing well (according to what I know). Before finding nofap, he had tried to tell me hoping that if I held him accountable it would help. Instead, he kept relapsing and I was devastated every time. Each relapse is extremely demotivating and while I know that he’s strong enough to get out of this addiction, I don’t know how long it will take and I don’t know how long I can be strong.

    With each relapse, he struggles to tell me because he doesn’t want me to be sad, but I need honesty from him in order to maintain my trust. When he doesn't tell me about his relapses when they happen, it worsens my already severe trust issues. And with every relapse, it feels like he’s cheating because he’s looking at random strangers naked. I already have low self-esteem so with each relapse I just feel like I’m not good enough, can’t satisfy enough, don’t have a big enough butt, etc.

    How do I continue to support him in the best way that I can, and also take care of myself, my self-esteem, my mental health, and my trust issues?
     
    palindromo and anewhope like this.

  2. If this continues maybe throw away the computer. I know you may be laughing at this, but maybe set a password so he can't get on all the time. Only you can debunk this password only for him to promote himself on the computer, for the phone. Maybe he could give it to you if he's comfortable with you enough. He should be perfectly fine if hes serious right?

    How demoting is each relapse? Like is he telling you and then he gets side effects like anxiety or depression from it? Or do you want to be the want doing it with him in sexual acts? I Apologize.. I'm just trying to get an understand of the situation. It just seems rough and I hate when couples go threw this and they don't please there woman enough witch the men need to think about more..
     
    Wolfgirl likes this.
  3. Wolfgirl

    Wolfgirl Fapstronaut

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    I guess I didn’t really explain this, but the laptop is no longer an issue. My bf’s parents are divorced and he lives with his dad, and his mom took the laptop, in addition I did change the password as well. Though he has relapsed on his dads laptop (which I predicted and when his dad allowed him to use the laptop I discouraged him to). I believe as of now all of the methods using his phone is blocked.

    Often the relapses are demotivating in both ways. I like to be pleasured but gain a lot of pleasure my knowing that I’m pleasuring my bf. Often after relapses I feel I’m not good enough, but I also am often sad because it means we can’t have sex because he jacked to porn. It makes me feel like I don’t give him enough satisfaction and I’m not hot enough for him. He really genuinely is trying to quit. He often cries after the relapses and says how much he wants to turn off the urges to look at porn. He says he feels hopeless, weak, and he’s always so disappointed in himself. Because this addiction has gone on for 5 years, he has many addictive qualities in his nature, and addiction runs in the family, it is extremely hard for him to quit. I know he’s trying his best, it’s just really hard on me and until recently, I didn’t know these kind of support forums existed.
     
    Last edited: Mar 15, 2020
  4. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    He’s an addict. What kind of recovery work is he doing? One of the best helps is a csat therapist. Sa/saa meetings are also helpful. A 90 day sex fast is generally recommended, some couples do it, others don’t. It speeds up recovery. For my Husband, I’d say it was almost essential. He was really struggling until we did the sex fast.
     
    +TenPercent, Wolfgirl and palindromo like this.
  5. Wolfgirl

    Wolfgirl Fapstronaut

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    Unfortunately he is in a tight financial situation and counseling isn’t an option. As of now he is using the forum to try to have as much motivation not to look as he can. He decided he wanted to try the 90 day reboot with sex but if it doesn’t work we would try to detox. I know that the sex fast is supposed to be faster, but I decided that it’s his decision to make and I’m here to support him in the best way that I can. Thanks for the advice!
     
  6. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Sa/saa meetings are free. They help my husband tremendously. If you can afford to see a csat then I highly recommend that. You need support as well.
     
    +TenPercent and Wolfgirl like this.
  7. Wolfgirl

    Wolfgirl Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the advice!
     
  8. Welcome to the community!
     
    Wolfgirl likes this.


  9. If you want to be the best girlfriend for him... Possibly.. Possibly get him into Therapy or a Councilor. It pains me to see relationships go this way especially when the Woman is extremely attractive and the boyfriend has issues. I've seen some gone bad in the past along with being ignored, etc... Back in my High school days well 10 years ago to be exact.

    I used to hang out with this extremely attractive woman. We would always go out to eat with a group of friends or go to the beach. Continually I heard her complain about her bf. Apparently one night we all went out and he didn't bother to go out with her because he had to "fix his computer." I was confused about him because I would be spending every chance with her. Eventually they broke up to make the story short.....

    Honestly if you care allot about him take action my friend. If this continues and you see him relapse and you feel this way not being satisfied enough somethings not right. Maybe talk to him deeper and get to the root cause of his addiction.

    I sense your relationship is still strong and once these issues are fixed you two will be golden.
     
    Wolfgirl likes this.
  10. Wolfgirl

    Wolfgirl Fapstronaut

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    He has been an addict for many years due to early exposure in his life. From what I understand it makes it harder to quit. I’m not always sure the best ways to help him since I don’t know his triggers or what might be triggering to him. I just want to support him in the best way I can.
     
    kropo82 likes this.
  11. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    Part of his recovery work will be to work out what his triggers are so that he can avoid them, and so that when he cannot avoid them he can take measures to distance himself from temptation. Sometimes it is hard for a woman to understand male sexuality, but often these triggers are suprisingly mundane, and they may be more about situations that how people look. For example, big triggers for me are a pending work deadline, being alone and drunk in a hotel room, or going on a business trip. He will also learn to spot warning signs and apply 'tests' to his behaviour. For example when I am chatting with a woman I ask myself 'how would this conversation be different if my wife were here?' and that helps me check on my motives.
     
    Wolfgirl likes this.
  12. Wolfgirl

    Wolfgirl Fapstronaut

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    Wow. I never thought of something like this. That is amazing. I won’t necessarily tell my boyfriend to do that, but I’m just in awe about what an amazing idea that is.
     
    kropo82 likes this.
  13. Hello wolfgirl
    I have just read your journal And I should pause to appreciate the kind of love and support you have for your patner
    And it seems like he is very honest to you from your post
    Well i think his love for your has nothing to do with this addiction .. It is his neurotransmitters that are craving P
    Not his heart or soul that wants you..
    So i dont think you should feel insecure or have self esteem issues

    Now comming to point 2
    It will take time for him to recover even he desperately wants to.. (1 year minimum)
    It is glad you two have found this platform. Just give him a year and see how he progresses... Ask him to join lot of challenges ,write a journal and chill relapses happen after all it is addication...just be careful to note whether there frequency is receeding over time or not.
    And stay happy
     
    Wolfgirl likes this.
  14. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    I stole it from @Kenzi (sadly she doesn't hang out here anymore). If I am remembering correctly one of the rules she had in place for her husband was that he couldn't say anything to a woman that he would not say with her there. That rule wouldn't quite work with me so I adapted it.
     
    Wolfgirl likes this.
  15. Wolfgirl

    Wolfgirl Fapstronaut

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    Thank you. I’ll keep that in mind. He’s had motivation in the past, but I think the forum is really helping him a lot. I know that relapses are inevitable, I just hope the forum helps him keep fighting.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.

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