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I’m not sure anymore

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by Deleted Account, Feb 27, 2020.

  1. My early years till the age of 9-10 I loved to read and I would always be the best artist in my class and i was extroverted, then I broke A lot of trauma and damage from a violent household that led up to one bad event and then back into the same household again till I was 18. I didn’t know I was broken then up until a few weeks ago.
    When after getting out of two relationships one being 3 years plus 2019 was the shittiest year in my adult life that once the breakups settled & 2019 left that I’ve fallen down the pmo hole along with weed and binge eating which caused a lot feelings and thoughts especially a suicidal one & I thought to myself “how come I’ve felt this before” then it all rushed back to me, I had a traumatic event occur to me when I was 9 and realized that’s when I broke and never healed since because I was a child and had no control and now I am broken again but I am a man and in control. Now I want to make friends & start making connections with people. All my life I’ve been a loner and felt like I never had a purpose and now after having the sense of being broken again I’ve gotten so overwhelmed with emotions on the control I have that I need to project them more positive but first I must break free from the pmo weed food rut I’m in 5 months in now :(. I’m about to be 30 and I hope I can do better this time around.

    When I wrote the title I felt shitty but as I wrote all this down I started feeling positive.

    “It’s easier to raise a child right than to fix a broken man” -Fredrick Douglas
     
    Metis07, Zolo22 and WanderTruth like this.
  2. kb117

    kb117 Fapstronaut

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    Brother, writing definitely helps. This is because it forces us to articulate and make our thoughts/feelings cohesive. We can learn a lot about ourselves when we write. I used to be addicted to weed, PMO, food also. I was literally incapable of quitting PMO until I quit weed. I quite weed because it was holding me down. I couldn't be my fully, articulated self because I didn't have any motivation to make the decisions I knew I had to. It was hard quitting, but I knew unless I quite I would stay high my whole life and I knew I didn't want that. I began to hate being high because I couldn't get the idea out of my mind that I would fail at life unless I sobered up. I didn't want to let down my family and all the people I could potentially help in the future. Think about it: If I was still smoking I wouldn't even be responding to you right now, nor would I even be on this forum. I'd be selfishly living my life, incapable of making any real difference in the world. The world needs you! You have so much potential. Don't waste it. I'll pray for you, my friend. God, bless you!
     
    bradmax, QuietPanda and WanderTruth like this.
  3. Arjuna's path

    Arjuna's path Fapstronaut

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    Much love to you bro.
     
    bradmax likes this.
  4. I can’t believe I’ve been living like this for so long. I’ve always felt stuck and I still am with my habits or addictions. It’s like I want to move forward in life but the feeling of being numb has greatly increased these past 5 months that it’s going to be tough to get out. I got an AP so hopefully that will help. I feel parts of me wanting to go be that loner continue numbing myself before It was all subconscious that child that never was freed then there’s another part of me that’s wants to experience the world and find a purpose. I must fight off these temptations first before I can see what kind of person I am without being numb. I want to feel that sense of control. But every time I write it feels like I’m using it as a way to cover everything up like a bandaid, I don’t know why it’s so difficult for me to take initiative & move forward. It’s like I write I write thinking the writing will help but I can’t find the action to my words. It’s like I’m betraying myself. Like a fight between my ego and my soul It’s painful. Thank you all for the responses!
     

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