I’ve Ruined Our Sex Life

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by CLaYFiRC, Jan 18, 2020.

  1. CLaYFiRC

    CLaYFiRC Fapstronaut

    My fiancée and I have been together for almost eight years now. For almost all of our relationship, I’ve been addicted to PMO. She used to be “in the mood” constantly, but I always turned her down. I preferred P to my actual partner. I feel terrible, but I’m finally starting to beat this addiction.

    Since starting this recovery, I’ve been more attracted to her and wanting to make up for lost time. Problem is...she’s never up for it anymore. She’s been rejected so many times by me that not having sex has become the norm for us. She’s not really open to talking about it either. I’ve tried multiple times the past few weeks. When we do have sex, it’s honestly not great. I’m dealing with premature ejaculation lately, so she never “finishes.” It’s embarrassing. Took me a lot to admit it even heeled anonymously.

    I feel so guilty. I’m at a loss at what to do, and I have no one else to talk to about this. Hoping I can find some advice here.
     
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  2. Damnation

    Damnation Fapstronaut

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    If you arent married, probably time to walk away, start fresh. Marriage is not going to fix anything. Apologize for everything and do you and her a favor.
     
  3. How much does she know about your PMO addiction? Does she know that you were addicted for most of your relationship and that now you're 21 whole days into a streak? 21 days is longer than I've ever made it. That's an achievement! Of course you want to have sex now! The fact that you are feeling attraction to her again is proof that your streak is working! You're on the right track, man.

    Open communication about all this is so hard because shame is so powerful. You may be better to connect better with her physically if you can also connect better with her emotionally. The two are related. She may be more up for it if she knows what's going on, and that you are really trying to give up a hard

    I'm married and also addicted to PMO. I often have a hard time reaching orgasm. Just tonight my wife and I had sex. I was able to give her an orgasm, but I was unable to cum inside her so she gave me oral instead. It felt good, obviously, but I'm embarrassed anytime vaginal intercourse isn't enough to make me orgasm. That should be enough. But no, I'm desensitized and I masturbate too much.

    I disagree with Damnation that you need to break off the engagement. 8 years is a long time to be together. You two know each other better than a lot of married couples. Congrats on the engagement. I hope that you and your wife can get back to having great sex. 21 days is a solid no PM streak. It's also really not that long in the context of your 8 year relationship. I truly believe that if you are open and honest with your bride-to-be that if you stick with it your sex life will improve.
     
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  4. JustADude

    JustADude Fapstronaut

    Sex is one part of a married relationship. For some couples sex is more important than other couples. Your advice is a extreme considering ClayFirc did not provide a full description of his relationship.
     
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  5. Damnation

    Damnation Fapstronaut

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    How is it extreme? Go to reddit and hit up any antiporn women's sub. All they talk about is how their sex drive was destroyed, and now either want to be celibate or want to move on to a new man. If she's as damaged by his rejections as he claims, their likely going to live their married lives in a dead bedroom.
     
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  6. CLaYFiRC

    CLaYFiRC Fapstronaut

    She knows all about my addiction. I told her a few years into our relationship once we moved in together. She was shocked and hurt, but she was also supportive. She suffers from low self esteem and tends to blame herself for everything, so my addiction caused her a lot of pain.

    After I posted this, I spoke to her about it all again. She doesn’t like talking about stuff like this, but she did open up more this time. She still blames herself, but I told her that it’s not her fault. It’s my fault for being so dependent on porn for the majority of my life. I was the one who found porn more satisfying than real sex. She admitted to me that her libido is completely gone, because I turned down sex so many times over the past 8 years. She admitted that sex feels like a chore now, and that’s why she cannot orgasm. I feel so guilty and full of shame, but we agreed to work on it. It’s just going to take time to undo the damage I caused our relationship.

    I had the same issue you currently have for so many years. Because of the dependency on masturbation, I had a hard time ejaculating. Now I’m on the other end of the spectrum, and it’s just as embarrassing.

    As for our engagement: I would never break it off and walk away. She and I have known each other since we were in the 5th grade. She was my best friend before we started dating, and I love her with all my heart. She feels the same way, but we definitely need to work on communication. I just wish she’d open up more, but that will hopefully come in time. She is currently working with a therapist to work through her own issues, and it may be time that I do same. Throwing away our relationship would hurt us both immensely and definitely wouldn’t be for the best.

    Thank you for the advice and kind words. It really helps. I truly appreciate you and everyone else here. It’s nice knowing I’m not alone.
     
  7. JustADude

    JustADude Fapstronaut

    Honestly @CLaYFiRC. You need to be careful about attributing your fiancee's behavior to your porn addiction. All of the the 'problems' you see in your fiancee, I had with my wife, even though I always wanted her over porn. I was a horndog.
    1. She didn't like talking about sex.
    2. She wasn't very interested in sex.
    3. Our sex wasn't very enjoyable because I couldn't last long in bed.

    And yes, all of those things bothered me a lot. In my case, none of those issues were caused by porn.
    #1 was caused by my wife's conservative religious upbringing.
    #2 is a combination of her conservative upbringing AND she has a below average libido AND our sex left a lot to be desired, so she didn't exactly look forward to it.
    #3 at first, I just couldn't last long, I can now. I have been addicted to porn the entire time, so I know that it doesn't make sense to blame porn for premature ejaculation, since I never quit porn and now I can last a long time.

    The good news is that the way your sex life is now, does not have to be the way it will be 5 years from now. Marriage is hard, you will have very difficult problems you have to overcome during marriage, no amount of vetting, growing, etc. pre-marriage will make things easy. Yes, some partners are better matches than others and you should look for a good match, BUT, don't expect perfection, that would be silly.
     
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  8. JustADude

    JustADude Fapstronaut

    Sex is only one facet of of marriage. He told his fiancee early in their relationship about his porn problem, pre-marriage, so a lot of the betrayal anger that many wives on nofap talk about does not apply in his case. And, some if not all of the problems he mentioned might have nothing to do with his porn addition. Point being, recommended that he leave an 8 year long relationship with very little info about said relationship is jumping the gun a lot.
     
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  9. CLaYFiRC

    CLaYFiRC Fapstronaut

    I’m not entirely blaming my porn addiction. Our relationship is normal in every other aspect other than in the bedroom. It’s just that my addiction has caused the bedroom problem over the period of 8 years. When I was on previous streaks / attempts without porn and masturbation, we were extremely compatible in bed.

    It’s true that she has other issues (low self esteem being the biggest), but she’s getting help with that via a therapist. She’s trying to get better and work through things just as I am.

    No relationship is perfect, and I don’t expect ours to ever be. There will always be bumps in the road. I just want us both to be a bit happier and closer (emotionally and physically). It’s going to be hard, but I believe we’re both committed.
     
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  10. NOTHING kills a woman's self esteem more than having a partner who prefers to masturbate to images or videos of other naked women he finds more attractive than his partner while she is repeatedly ignored and rejected by him.
     
  11. Porn sucks. Hurts everyone. Clayfirc and his fiance are going to have to address not only his addiction, but also the damage it's caused. I really hope her self-esteem can be recovered, but I'm not over here pretending like that's going to magically happen overnight because Clayfirc went PM free for close to a month. The past really happened. Healing wounds are going to take time, and even then there will be scars.
     
  12. JamesTheSquirrel

    JamesTheSquirrel Fapstronaut

    You've spent 8 years neglecting your fiancée and rejecting her advances. That's going to have hurt her a lot and destroyed her self confidence. After that long it makes sense that she's given up trying. What's the point of putting effort in for someone who doesn't find you attractive and is only going to reject you anyway. You've only spent a month PM free and already you are feeling frustrated at the lack of sex. Think how it must have been for her all of those years...

    Your PMO use will likely have affected other parts of your relationship as well. Think about all the times you spent thinking about or watching P, rather than thinking about your fiancée or doing something productive instead.

    I know it's rough. I've been with my wife for 6 years and for most of that I was using PMO. I experienced a lot of similar things to what you've experienced. I'm not going to berate you for what you've done but it's important that you fully accept your actions and understand how it's going have affected not just you but your fiancée and your relationship with her.

    My advice is that you need to prove to her that you actually committed to change. Any aspect of your relationship that could be better, put effort into making it better. Show your fiancée how much you appreciate her and give her compliments. Put effort into your own appearance and bad habits. Do more chores and plan nice things to do together. There may be other things as well but it's about thinking for yourself as to what they are. You say that your relationship is "normal", work on making it great!

    Most of all be honest about your recovery with her. Recovering as a PA is tough and it's important she knows the ups and downs of how you are feeling. She's been with you for 8 years and is still interested in marrying you. Show her that you are a man worth marrying.

    Once you've done all that then you can start thinking about sex again. In the grand scheme of things an issue with premature ejaculation is pretty insignificant. There are plenty of ways of still giving her pleasure without your penis being involved. When you do have sex actual show her that you are interested in her pleasure rather than just giving yourself an O.

    I hope that helps. Best of luck with your recovery!
     
    Last edited: Jan 19, 2020
  13. akitty820

    akitty820 Fapstronaut

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    @JustADude your wife might be an anomaly, but from my experience, and the experience of a lot of other women on here, his wife’s “behaviour” is probably entirely because of his porn addiction.

    Before this, I had an incredibly high sex drive and I was very confident in the way I looked. After years of getting rejected and thinking my husband just had a low sex drive, I started to give up. It was very confusing and isolating, and my libido plummeted.

    Now I realise he didn’t have a low sex drive, he just directed his sexual energy out to any woman but me. He was having graphically sexual thoughts about pretty much any mildly attractive woman he saw on the street, he was choosing porn over me, and he no longer found me sexually attractive. He thought this lack of attraction was my fault and constantly nitpicked and critiqued my appearance.

    So now, I feel very self-conscious, but only around him. I can look in the mirror and think I look beautiful, I can see how other men react to me so I know that I’m not imagining things, but I can’t feel attractive around him. How could I possibly?

    And I don’t want him to have sexual with me because I’m his only sexual outlet; I want him to want me. So even though I do have a naturally high sex drive, and I still find him sexually attractive, and part of me still craves being sexually intimate with him, another part of me knows he’s chosen other women over me time after time after time, and that he is having to try to find me sexually attractive again. Until I feel wanted and safe in our marriage I won’t be able to really want him, or feel safe enough to be vulnerable with him.

    And that’s all from an impassive analysis of the situation. That’s all separate from the betrayal trauma I’m going through, which makes me want to cry about every two seconds, which makes me obsess over who he’s ogling and what he’s thinking, which makes me question the motive behind any nice thing he decides to say to me.
     
  14. akitty820

    akitty820 Fapstronaut

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    As always, wonderful advice from JamesTheSquirrel.

    As far as your fiancée orgasming, I often find it hard to orgasm with my husband, too. Before DDay, I knew he was just focused on his own O and I probably wasn’t going to orgasm, because his PE and then lack of interest in me afterwards meant he wasn’t going to spend any time on me. When he did spend time trying to make me O, I’d get really preoccupied trying to finish as fast as possible and then wouldn’t be able to O at all, because I knew he didn’t really want to and was just doing it so he could feel better about getting to his own O. Now, I just don’t feel safe and wanted so I’m not really able to let go and enjoy the moment, even though he’s trying to be a much less selfish lover.

    But like James said, the best thing you can do to improve your sex life is improve your entire relationship. Show her you care about her, pull your weight around the house, plan dates, be affectionate to show her how much you love her, give her compliments and really mean them. Try to add to her life and make it better. Be completely honest and open with her and keep her updated with how your recovery is going. Talk to her about how you’re feeling and what you’re thinking. Ask her what she needs from you and what she wants out of a relationship, and be empathetic and understanding about her emotions.

    Once you rebuild her trust in you, her libido will come back, because she’ll feel loved and safe and wanted. But it’s not the sex life you should be worrying about at the moment: it’s the state of your relationship that you need to attend to. The sex life will heal itself naturally in turn.
     
  15. JustADude

    JustADude Fapstronaut

    Let me apologize upfront. I am going to be making a lot of blanket statements, I am doing it because it makes it easier for me to express my opinions. Nothing I have written is targeted specifically at any one person on nofap.

    Yes, my wife is an anomaly, it is one of the things I love about her. I'm not sure our sex experience is really that unique. Although, I agree my experience seems to be unique with respect to the other couples on nofap.

    I hold an unpopular nofap opinion about PMO in relationships. I am aware of this and I am always hesitant to share my full feelings on the subject because the times that I do, I get a lot of pushback from lots of people.

    There is a problem with drawing strong conclusions from the groupthink on nofap. There are many couples who have porn and masturbation in their marriage and it is not a very big deal. There are even couples who successfully come out the other end of one of the spouses being unfaithful (in person) in a stronger position in their marriage. There are couples in open marriages. Mostly, we don't hear from those types of couples on nofap. We only hear from the types of couples who are drawn to nofap. In general, most wives on nofap are conservative, most wives on nofap hold the opinion that they don't think they will ever recover from the betrayal they experienced. This is not true for all marriages. It is certainly not true for my marriage and I think if we widen the scope of which sets of couples we look at, there are lots of couples who can handle those types of things from within their marriage and come out stronger for it. My most unpopular opinion is that many of the wives on nofap should be looking inward for healing and that most of their pain comes from within, not from their husband. I believe most of us make our own hell. Most of us take transgressions and amplify the pain they cause. Most of us are terrible at handling negative emotions.

    Most men openly look at all women prior to marriage, some continue to do it after marriage. Once we enter marriage, I find it odd that the conservative world thinks men are just going to stop. I find my wife very very attractive, and most married men who look at porn are similar to me. Many married men on nofap are here because they no longer could get it up and they no longer felt attraction for their wife, it makes sense that they sought out nofap. If they never had PIED or had never lost feelings for their wife, would they have ever sought out nofap?

    We should be treating each couple on nofap as a unique situation. Yet, most of the time, we prescribe the same medication, we don't leave room for nuance and complexity.

    We need to be careful about the group think on nofap, we are a group of sick people and we are in an echo chamber. In my opinion, overall, nofap is great, it is a place I can come to find comfort in my times of need, it is a place I can bounce my ideas off others who care, the benefits outweigh the detriments.

    JustADude has just hung an effigy of himself in a tree, you all can now commence in hitting it with your bats.
     
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2020
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  16. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    Another reject here. After five years of begging and begging for sex, I found his secret hobby. I still managed to want sex every day (Duracell bunny here!) but after finding out that he didn't quit, even when promised to do so, my libido just dropped dead (for him). Now I have a hard time finding him as attractive as I used to, and my vagina simply doesn't respond.

    It's fairly common, if not the norm, that this happens. Couples that have turned it around have one thing in common; the man has started to openly desire his wife, and romanced the crap out of her. He has been open to all her questions, been there through all her darkest moments, and really shown her he wants her physically. Just loving isn't enough, I'm talking kissing her in the neck while she is doing the dishes, helping her around the house, sending little text during the day how he misses her smoking hot body.

    Women don't wanna be loved like somekind of grandmas. We wanna be wanted. If you are consistent with wanting her and forsake all others, she will get past this and you will enjoy your best sex life yet.
     
  17. akitty820

    akitty820 Fapstronaut

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    Hit the nail on the head!
     
  18. CLaYFiRC

    CLaYFiRC Fapstronaut

    This has received so many more responses than I ever thought it would, so I’m just going to thank you all for sharing your stories, struggles, and all the advice that has been given. Each one of you has given me a lot of comfort and great advice on how to move past this and renew my relationship. You all have valid points, and they’ve all helped me put things into perspective. Thank you to all the women especially for sharing your stories.

    Romance in my relationship is pretty much gone. I think after 8 years of being together, we lost sight of the romance. It’s sad, but I have faith we can bring the romance back.

    My fiancée has been working extremely hard lately and pulling longer than normal days at work. When she comes home, she’s always cleaning, making dinner, doing the dishes, and just never really gets a chance to relax. She maybe gets an hour or two to sit down and relax after working all day. I’ve definitely taken for granted all that she does for me day in and day out. So today I decided to get off my lazy ass and clean. To her, me taking initiative to do something like that is romantic. I never really help out around the house. I’m a naturally lazy person, and I want to change that for her. Need to change it for myself as well. I want to be a better person overall.

    This is just a small step in repairing everything, but it’s the first step in showing her I’m more than committed this time. Through all the responses, I’ve found out it’s not just my porn addiction that’s damaged our relationship. It’s a lot of little things that have added up over time.
     
  19. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    When my husband cleans /helps around the house I FEEL like he cares. My husband is already naturally affectionate, he constantly holds my hand , kisses my forehead etc. He meets my 2 strongest love languages. Do you know what your fiancées lives language is? If not look up the book and ask her to read it with you. It really is helpful in how to live your so in their language.
     
  20. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Love not live. Stupid phone
     
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