I am a s. addict having problems in bonding when i like a guy

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by green lion eating the sun, Sep 27, 2018.

  1. I need to vent so much. happy that nofap exists and on here people can understand me. i feel a lot of grief now. few days ago i was about to relapse due to an emotional disappointment and i just wanted to get drunk, hurt myself mentally in every way possible. i just wanted to punish myself mentally

    i am proud that i resisted and i didn't worse everything by relapsing. yesterday i reached my 30 days clean. i reached 1 full year clean but had rough times due to how i had s. after a year without (it was my decision to stay without that for sometime) and had struggled for the past 6 months with a lot of relapses and sober periods. now i am mastering to control my emotions. because if my emotions are out of control, i used to relapse in the past. i don't want to fail again. i want to stay sober

    i had this guy before i relapsed that i started liking even before i had s. with him. but then when i started having s everything started falling apart. i was scared to bond with him and i sabotaged it by sleeping with him. i freaked out, i dunno how to deal when i start bonding with a guy i like. it is like there is a wall and i am unable to bond. i see couples on dates and holding hands in streets. it makes me suffer, a lot. i had that but not the way i wanted. i want to be able to bond and have a real boyfriend. anyone feels this? I feel so lonely

    I want to have someone to go back home to. I am almost 27 year old female. I am tired of dating and failing and starting again with someone new. it bores me. i want the right one for me. I want to be ready for this but i am so scared and fear of being abandoned because i got abandoned in the past by my ex guys. i want now the right relationship for me. the right one

    so basically i got it really bad, and it hurt me a lot when i texted him few days ago with a simple "how are you?". the last text i asked him if he wanted to suggest a day or no to meet given he said he couldn't a day that i suggested. he replied yes and he was going to let me know about a day by the following week when his new place was ready but he didn't let me know. so i let 2 weeks and a half pass and then i texted him

    he didn't even open the chat with my text. he always read my texts before. i dunno what changed so much that he didn't even care about reading my text. last time i even confessed him that i had a p addiction when he asked me about it because of something i said. that was a very intimate stuff to say. i just wanted to be honest and stop hiding that. and then i sort of hinted that i have trust issues from the past and he said it wasn't due to him though. i rarely like a guy. and i liked his brain, we have the same interests but i was so clumsy and wasn't able to talk properly when around him coz i liked him a lot. i wanted to show him how similar we are. i wanted to bond with him. advice? I want to be better, i want to be the Best Me

    to keep it together and go to work not extremely sad like i was yesterday (my boss told me to smile and customers asked me why i looked so sad), i decided to hold on to the hope that i will text him in a month or 2 months and i will see him. I want another chance. yesterday i cried at work too. i want to be a girlfriend, i want to share my life with a guy with my same interests who accepts 100% of me, even my past of addict. since he ignored my text, i felt really bad and suicidal thoughts resurfaced (the same one, that i stab myself to death in my bed for guilt and shame on how i did s with him)

    i remember a movie scene about a s. addict and he was trying to date with this girl he really liked and he couldn't be with her and sort of ruined it coz he was overwhermeld by the intimate mental bonding and couldn't deal with it. it made me cry coz that is what i felt. i need hope. i just want another shot with him. i know it can work. i am a master at flirting, getting initially a guy then i lose it when it comes to creating a relationship
     
    Last edited: Sep 27, 2018
  2. SirErnest

    SirErnest Fapstronaut

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    I think shorter posts (and clearer grammar) will get you more replies, and therefore more help.
    I read the first bit. You held back! Good.
    Now learn how to make holding back a habit, so that it becomes easy.
    One step at a time. It's great that you are trying.
     
  3. Jason_Tesla_19

    Jason_Tesla_19 Fapstronaut

    I want you to know that I read your whole post. Congratulations on making it to 30 days! It's a big milestone. I understand feeling lonely, but having trust issues, as I'm like that, even though I have no experience with s. I'm sorry, it sounds like he's gone. You've bonded with him as best as you're currently able to, so it must hurt a lot - it's like a breakup, even though it wasn't a proper "relationship". If he doesn't want to be with you, you unfortunately can't make him want to. I'm sure there are other guys out there who would be happy to be with you.

    Please don't beat yourself up for having s. Practice loving yourself (not MO!). Please talk to a professional about the suicidal thoughts. Guilt and shame don't help recovery. I know from experience that it's difficult, but we have to accept that we're just human and make mistakes, and can learn from them, and it doesn't reduce our self-worth.
     
    SirErnest and CrimsnBlade like this.
  4. CrimsnBlade

    CrimsnBlade Fapstronaut

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    It sounds like you're doing great! 30 days is a big deal like others have said. You're slowly getting stronger and stronger, and I think that will start to show in other areas of your life as well the longer you work at it.

    This is one of the most important things you said IMO. If you focus on being the best version of yourself, growing and improving every day, working hard to be who you know you can be, then you will start to have more self confidence, and that will be visible to others. Where do you find your confidence? Do you realize that you are really important, that you matter? You do, and we all want to see you succeed. We're all here to improve right?

    I don't think that @Jason_Tesla_19's suggestion is a bad idea at all. Thoughts like that can be scary, and we shouldn't shy away from professional help. If you can afford it and can find someone who will be helpful, I would take advantage of it.

    One of the most important things you need to do is be able to forgive yourself. You feel so guilty about what you've done, we all have those moments where we're just disgusted with ourselves. But if you can truly forgive yourself, that guilt will start to go away, and you will be able to leave the past in the past and look towards the future with confidence.

    You can overcome it, and you are worth it! Good luck! Let us know how you're doing!
     
    Jason_Tesla_19 and SirErnest like this.

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