So I'm not quite sure what this thread is gonna be yet, but I really felt I needed to write something. Yesterday I relapsed after having a good 2 weeks of no PMO. Like always I was fully to blame, I managed to secure my pc and mobile phone partly through a2u and partly through setting up all kind of passwords I wouldnt have acces to, yet yesterday I found another way to browse the internet unnoticed. Of course I knew what I was doing was wrong but I made myself believe I couldn't stop myself because I couldn't resist these urges. (first lie from the devil) ''No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.''. And then there was this other feeling that I used to justify my actions ''You had a great 2 weeks, it couldn't hurt to have some fun now''. (The second lie from the devil) And so I relapsed, immediately after feeling extremely guilty. Now instead of going to God to pray for my sins, I already was setting up plans om how to be sure not to relapse next time. I blocked the way that I used this time to browse the internet, I decided I would start excersising each day, I told myself to leave my mobile phone downstairs and not look on any device after 8 PM... The more I was thinking about plans to prevent myself from relapsing again the more anxious I got. I started feeling negative and was asking myself what I actually accomplished these 1.5 years I have been fighting PMO, I haven't had streaks lomnger than 3 weeks, am I really improving? Somewhere along the line I felt I needed to do these things in order to get accepted by God. I felt like my connection with him was broken and I needed to build things up from scratch to grow again. Then I decided, to read my bible. I read a couple of chapters of Mathew, and slowely but steadily I felt calm. Like someone saying to me ''it's alright, you are mine''. (Although I can't say for sure, can't put it into words really). And after all the anxiety and worries I had a couple of minutes before fell of my shoulders and I could start again. That doesn't mean everything went perfectly well again the next day. I had troubles doing the things I wanted to do this morning, but just now I opened NF and read the post Tao posted about ''not having to accomplish anything in order to belong to God''. God says I belong to him, even though I watch P, and even if I don't do my daily tasks etc. So I feel blessed, really blessed. When I started thinking about that I realised so much actually did happen this year. Through the internet I've found this great community I can share my worries with, I found three great AP's who encourage me each time when I feel down. Someone helped me to pay an a2u account, trusting that I would pay him back, so that my pc and mobile would be properly monitored (for the most part). And even though I still haven't had a very long streak, I did notice a change in myself that I enjoy P much less than I used to. Before I used to enjoy before relapse and feel guilty after. Now however I often feel bad even before relapsing. So no, I think God has helped me getting further on my journey although it sometimes doesn't feel like it. Therefore I want to thank God, and I want to continue trying to live as closely to him as possible, knowing that I will make mistakes every hour. A couple of year ago I told my father about my addiciton. I expected him to give me all kind of advices on what to do, yet the only thing he said was: ''It's a good thing you know watching P is a bad thing, now pray, be patient and know that God is mercifull''. After saying that he never talked to me about this again. In the beginning I thought this was strange, but the longer I am fighting this the more I feel like it might be as complicated and simple as he said.