I am depressed, numb and need serious help. Will a reboot help?

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Winters, Apr 3, 2019.

  1. Winters

    Winters New Fapstronaut

    I would like to apologise if this is posted in the wrong category. I couldn't find a closer matching category to post this in, but I urgently need to express myself. I feel as though life isn't worth living anymore and I need your thoughts. Will NoFap even help me?

    From the age of 13 I started masturbating. I masturbated perhaps once every 3 days. It was to completely normal, vanilla pornography and it never really led to an addiction or any problems, and this continued until age 18.

    When I hit age 18, I was in college. I've always had a dull life & introverted hobbies, but I was actually very content with this. Anyway, at this time, I discovered Japanese erotic games called "Eroges" - I mostly played erotic RPG games which meant that they were quite long playing the game rewarded the player with many sex scenes. In order to enjoy them, I would have to edge for hours. It was the most pleasurable and euphoric hobby I ever had. I masturbated to them almost every day. I became addicted to femdom and mained almost completely femdom RPG eroges. Truly, no hobby could compete with the amount of pleasure this hobby brought me, looking back, it should have been obvious that taking this much joy from one hobby would only fuck up my reward system.

    Not only were they arousing pornographically, they were fun as games themselves. In addition, to myself who was studying Japanese at the time, they were educational, I learned a lot through them, which made me justify it. Truly, eroges were invincible to criticism in my brain, and I didn't think anything bad would come from my abuse of them. I do remember briefly making a light remark to myself while playing a non-pornographic game when I was lightly addicted, something like "Wow, normal games feel like a chore and are nowhere near as rewarding as porn games huh" - I had no idea that this sentiment would become such a fucking black hole of joy in my life. Non-pornographic video games no longer bring me any joy or sense of accomplishment, and neither does ANYTHING IN LIFE. Even when trying romance with a real girl, numb, nothing, PIED. I have to fake my emotions and I feel just terrible for it.

    Little did I know that this abuse of so much pleasure would do nothing but kick my dopamine & sexual arousal hurdles into space, truly. I'm suffering from PIED and severe depression. I can't take joy from ANYTHING in life aside from femdom pornography. Even when I go on holiday I appear absent-minded, dark and ungrateful. If I do something spectacular or social, no good memories are created. My brain is just permanently in a disinterested state unless it gets what it wants.

    I feel like a drug addict, and none of the therapists I've tried talking to appear to really understand. It took me quite a long time to realise that my abuse of pornography was the cause of the incredibly depressing numbness I feel, and now that I know the shape of the problem, I hope I can stop it.

    I've been doing NoFap for like 3-4 months now (I'm new to the forums but, I've been doing it through Reddit) - and my average streak is 4 days long. 12 days I managed to do once, and I messed up a 6 day streak last night, which is what is prompting me to write this. I hate myself for always breaking my streaks. I deleted all of my pornography from my PC, installed website blockers, but I always disable the blocker when I'm in that unreasonably aroused state and go ahead and re-download the porn.

    At the end of this month, I will go somewhere with my friend, and I want to enjoy it. I don't want to spend time with her in this awfully unhuman brain state, so I would like to not masturbate this month at all. I have never exceed two weeks before, so it will require much determination.

    Am I the only one in this severe of a state? Is there anything that can be done to help? I am very desperate and I'm at my limit. I've been living like a zombie without any emotions for so long, I think often of taking my own life and I am confident that if I don't manage to fix this problem, I will eventually do it.

    Thank you.
  2. Listen buddy, first off, you're not alone ok? Many of us have been in a similar situation, and felt the same frustration you're dealing with. Instead of falling into despair, it is possible to use that pain as a catalyst to move towards real change. You already show alot of self-awareness in your words, this is good, you've already got a head start in beating this thing. Takes alot of courage just to express yourself like that. You have more work to do, that's all. Healing and growth don't happen overnight. There's no set schedule. But it can and does happen, all the time, I've seen it here on nofap, and in my own life (even though I've had setbacks!) I don't have much more to add right now, but suggest you look around the various threads to see practical tips on how people deal with urges, we all have different tactics that help (for me it's crossword puzzles lol). In any case, we understand you bro, take it a day at a time, keep learning, keep growing, and a better future is out there for you.
    Winters likes this.
  3. bigboibez

    bigboibez Fapstronaut

    You didnt really enjoy that porn mate. It is an illusion that you did. The cravings are because you still want ir. Once you seen porn for what it is (a evil, disgusting trap) and think positively everytime you think about porn, you should become much more positive towards your goal. Youre just relieving your symptoms whn you pmo.
    Winters likes this.
  4. AspiringVitality

    AspiringVitality Fapstronaut

    Hey man, your story sounds much like mine and like that of many other here on this forum..

    I have good new and bad news: you CAN HEAL, but it will probably take a lot of months/years to overcome all the damage we've done to our nervous systems..

    Please please please stop binging and relapsing. Right now.

    First off, read this: https://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/ajtp4o/warning_dont_keep_relapsing_kindling_can_kill_you/
    You can also read my story: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...s-stop-immediately-or-it-can-kill-you.222778/

    Really, do not underestimate the effect of PMO, especially edging and relapsing over and over again, on your brain and overal system...

    @HMHU is translating some very good works from a Chinese NoFap brother who explains in detail what PMO does to us and how we can heal: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/6-years-clean-rebooting-as-the-best-remedy.135983/

    Stay strong bro
    HMHU and Winters like this.
  5. Winters

    Winters New Fapstronaut

    Thank you. It's just quite an inexplicable shock that something that is represented as perfectly healthy and fine by society has ruined so many people's lives, including my own. I hope your streak goes extremely well. Dealing with urges is definitely the biggest challenge so I'll look around, thank you.

    I suppose that's true. The only real emotion that remains when interacting with it is just loneliness. Thank you.

    Wow. That's just terrifying. Yet more proof that PMO is on the very same page as drugs. I hope that's enough to scare that voice in one's head that tempts them to relapse. Thank you very much for all of those links and posts, I am thrilled to read your story and learn more about this addiction. You seem to have it all sorted out, and I hope your current streak continues to go excellently.
    AspiringVitality likes this.
  6. AspiringVitality

    AspiringVitality Fapstronaut

    Thanks! I hope so too :)

    We can never sort things out entirely, because there is always more to learn. But I've been struggling with this addiction for years now and until my last relapse, I still underestimated the consequences PMO can have. I probably still underestimate it..

    It is a good thing it terrifies you. I hope you can find peace in that you will never relapse again, brother.

    Let's do this :emoji_punch:
    Winters likes this.
  7. synthetic

    synthetic Fapstronaut

    It was great to read your story. I can definitely beat myself up for relapses with PMO, but it really only compounds the after effects for doing so, and ironically can lead back to using PMO because of the intense shame. So I try to stay clear of being hard on myself, which can be hard in itself sometimes. But I find the nature of the beast is that we relapse. It's part of it, and it's part of moving towards a place that is healthier. I was a hopeless drug addict for over 10 years. I relapsed over and over again, and now I have 2 and half years up, and I'm constantly reaping the rewards from that. My life has gotten so much better and I'm grateful for everyday that I don't use. But it took a lot of attempts to get there. Having awareness around what triggers me really helps, and as does gaining strategies to deal with urges, obsession and compulsion. But most of all learning how to deal with that craziness that goes on inside my head that leads me to look outside of myself for something to fill the void. Sounds like you're on the road by being aware of what is happening to you. That's a great start. I'm still learning myself what the effects of PMO do to my life, and they are hard lessons to learn sometimes, but I know there is no easy fix. For me, PMO is its own beast, and bit by bit I'm learning what it is I need to do to take care of myself. Stopping PMO is just the start. It's all the stuff that leads me to use it that is the real challenge.
    AspiringVitality and Winters like this.
  8. alextena

    alextena Fapstronaut

    I strongly reccomend you to follow step by step tis program, watch motivational videos and read motivational books. Then if the problem with depression continues after some time you should visit a medic
    AspiringVitality and Winters like this.

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