I AM DIGGING MY OWN GRAVE WITH PORN ADDICTION... JERKING OFF TO PORN WHILE MY FIANCÉE SLEEPS NEXT ME

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by K1_Dobly_uli, Apr 4, 2021.

  1. K1_Dobly_uli

    K1_Dobly_uli New Fapstronaut

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    I'm risking losing my amazing fiancée, funds, business deals, education, social circle life and more for this addiction...

    I am desperate, I've never told anyone about this... this is the first time I open up about this hellish knightmare that I am living and I don't know who I can talk to... addiction to porn, weird gore porn, child porn, extreme sex material and literally frying my brain... buckle up...

    I don't know where to begin, from the outside everyone seems to think I have the perfect life, got it all figured out unlike my peers... I am 25 yo male Moroccan (coming from a very very humble family), with a beautiful German fiancée F 21yo, I own my business, I have two high school diplomas one majoring in math and the other in biology, with a college degree, currently studying to attain another degree in law and economics, fit, a growing YouTube (a hobby) channel with over 20000 SUBS, worked and was mentored by an American multi millionaire, got amazing friends and social circle... and more... All seems good right? well wait until I tel about the real me, the shameful, disgusting, lazy and procrastinating shitty life I am truly living...

    I can`t even find the motivation to shower for over 2 weeks now...

    Little did you know I am everyday battling my urges and my extreme procrastination, caused by fucking up my pleasure brain circuits (more on that in a moment) by all the masturbation to porn that I had developed for over a decade, an extreme addiction, that would make me grab my phone at 4 AM in the morning sneaking and start masturbating to porn while my beautiful blonde blue eyed fiancée is literally sleeping next to me... YES I CHOSE A FUCKING 2D PIXEL SCREEN over a real living breathing partner 2 inches from me who loves me with every fiber in her being...

    It all began when we got internet at the age of 13, where I began masturbating to porn and tube sites... first it began as looking at naked women, then couples having sex, then fetishes, then by age 17 I found myself seeking extreme hentai shit like gore, futanari (girls with dicks), at some point, all of that stopped doing it for me, I started even looking up Child pornography on the deep web, onion domains, looking up teen girls (ages 13 and up) - yes all of this by age 17.

    By the age of 19 I realized that this shit was destroying my life, my academic scores went down (went from getting 90% to barely 50%), I dropped out from my first college, I became a social outcast, skinny, weak, no confidence, no future, jerking off to porn up to 6 times FUCKING DAY, everyday.

    My day consisted of waking up jerk to porn, watch YouTube, jerk to porn then eat maybe take a walk, jerk to porn, social media, jerk to porn then sleep and hit repeat... I wouldn't shower for weeks, I had no social life whatsoever ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!

    I tried quitting multiple times, but what it ended up happening, was bouncing back harder than ever. Every time relapsing to more extreme shit, multiple tabs open, multiple videos playing all at the same time, trying to synchronize them to orgasm at the perfect scene...

    I knew I was fighting a losing battle, for 2 years, I decided to give in into my addiction in a moderate manner, making it work a bit for me, so I would set up goals related to fapping.

    For example if I finish studying for a subject I can reward myself with jerking off to porn, if I go to the gym I can allow myself to jerk off after, and so it went for everything...

    I knew it wasn't a solution, but believe me... that was the only way so I can advance a bit in life..., while also diminishing from the extreme porn, which helped me cut of trans porn, child porn, gore, and the other fucked up genres of porn.

    Although it seemed like a good idea, it was just cooking me up slowly to one hell of a fucking KNIGHTMARE.

    By the age of 25 it seemed all good. I already had a college degree, another high school degree, saved up about 20000 dollars, started a few businesses, made a good social circle, signed up for another university. Started hitting the gym and got fit, started running, cleaned up my diet a bit. Got my few first relationships here and there even scoring a gorgeous German girl (which for a Moroccan, someone viewed as trash and extremists of Islam and Africa by the west, was a hell of a achievement) , lost my virginity by the age of 22 to my now fiancée (surprisingly we ended up fucking for over 4 hours, having sex for a total 10 hours that day... even tho my erections were not constant...) although it wasn't as pleasurable... it felt alien... fast forward we started having problems in the bed as I can't keep an erection or, I can't orgasm from blowjobs and overall the sex was mediocre at best.

    LITERAL HELL: While it seemed like a good idea, I was actually frying my brain, I ended up with a desensitized brain circuit, that seeks a reward in the form of fapping to porn for every achievement I pull, diminishing my dopamine and oxytocin receptors, diminishing my brain's gray matter, fucking up my prefrontal cortex, while conditioning brain my brain to believe that "sex" is fapping to hentai, doujinshi and porn, causing me porn induced erectile dysfunction and more... causing me to feel no pleasure, be demotivated and have a weak self control when it comes to my addiction and other temptations.

    This led up to me becoming a zombie, If I go to the gym for example there is no pleasure in it for me, it takes full willpower... I started procrastinating and becoming more and more lazy, as my day to day life became more and more dull, due to my desensitization, also my memory became foggy, often can't even remember names and words, I can't focus, I can't make schedules and more...



    I started leading my business into a fucking cliff passing on a lot of work just to jerk off, no joke I would just sit in my bed the whole day and masturbate. I go to the gym less and less, having no sens of accomplishment, my life getting gray by the day, making my fiancée suffer with me as I am struggling to pair bonding to her and having sex, I didn't pass exams for this semester for my law and economics degree, because I legit didn't have the motivation, I haven't posted on my YouTube channel for over a year... living in nasty, unorganized and dirty environment.



    I can't muster the willpower to even do the laundry... I am starting to gain weight... my diet became shit... watching YouTube all day and browsing social media, fucking up my social circle... even food tastes less delicious than how it was before... and much much more...



    I Need Help: I tried stopping I really tried with everything I can for years, I just can't, I'm on the verge of losing everything I built these few years, I've read you brain on porn and it mentioned this subreddit... give me strategies, invite me to accountability groups, anything you can advice me... I know I am just a stranger to you guys, but I have no one to relate to... no one takes this porn addiction shit seriously...



    I want to make it to my first 90 days... any help would be appreciated.



    Thank you.
     
  2. LovelyLife

    LovelyLife Fapstronaut

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    Hey buddie,
    first of all - kudos for your honesty. Must have been hard to deal with this all by yourself. You can be proud of yourself to share this with the community.

    Jeez...I don't know what to say. It's gonna be hard. You need to minimize all the possible situations in which you could be triggered. Given the information that must be pretty much everything.
    Don't use social media - at least do not follow accounts where you could possibly see "sexy" material. Limit your phone time to two or three times a day for 10 or 15 minutes. Just to check important messages or business related stuff.

    We are talking complete stealth mode here. As you already stated - your reward circuit is completely fucked up. You are doing your best when you try to be around other people as often as you can. Study groups, gym groups, don't allow yourself (for the first few days) to be alone.

    You have to build an environment for yourself where it gets near to impossible for you to F. Guessing from your explanation, right now you built yourself an environment where you can pretty much F everytime you want. That shit needs to change.

    Also, try to use questions that you ask yourself when you feel the urge. I will give you some which I use frequently when I am feeling depressed, lost or just having the urge.

    You have to load these answers with energy. Which means that you don't just answer them with one sentence, but be as brutal as you can. The fear of the possible outcome when not stopping to F must be bigger than the payoff you get for doing it.

    Our brain constantly tries to avoid pain and always wants to feel good. That is why it's so hard to stop when you are triggered. What you have to understand is, that it's just emotions. When you build your awareness for that, it get's a lot easier because you understand that you are not your emotions.

    1) What means it for my relationship when I F now? How will my fianceé react if she finds out?
    2) How will my life look like in 10 years when I don't stop? -> be merciless when describing.
    3) What do I miss in my life when I optimize everything just to F?
    4) Who else will benefit when I defeat this addiction and why?
    5) What did I experience in my life that I need to use F as an escape?
    6) What have I done in my life which gives me the strength to believe I can stop F?
    7) Why am I feeling so empty inside that I need to fill this void with F?

    On top of that you talked about an accountability group or partner. I guess everyone's happy helping you out here. If you want we can connect here on this forum or change phone numbers in a PM, just let me know.

    Much love and all the grit you need.
     
    K1_Dobly_uli likes this.
  3. Hey bro..
    May God bless you in your journey. .
    Don't loss heart.
    You got an amazing fiance dont lose her because of ur addiction.
    Break your addiction and you can do it.
    Stay connected to this platform.
    You were able acheive a lot by this age so if you were able to focus and spend your energy in correct way how blessed you become in future.
    Make good accountability group here.you are not alone in this journey. Don't loose your heart.Be faithful to God and your fiance.


    All the best
     
    K1_Dobly_uli likes this.
  4. K1_Dobly_uli

    K1_Dobly_uli New Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for the kind replies guys...
     
  5. You have taken a big step coming here so you need to make sure you stay here.
    Listen man you are in a bad way right now and even though you feel very driven right your brain is going to seriously mess with you. It’s going to be a straight battle.. So when you read this next time you log on do yourself a favor. Favorite/bookmark NoFap so every time you open your phone you see and remember it. There is something you should also come to terms with right away. I say this with nothing but a good will for you. This is going to be a life long healing process for you.
    Now please just hold that sentence and think on it for awhile....


    Porn is a symptom. Not a cause. As you start this path your going to uncover the true reasons why you feel the need to so deeply escape into porn. And it’s going to almost certainly mean you dealing with whatever trauma(s) that have happened to you.

    Brother let me tell you 90 days is the start of walking the road, not the end. With your honesty and the hundreds of stories and accounts I’ve seen here you need to first focus on just crawling in the right direction. All respect to you in that. So hitting just one day at a time is going to be big for you. The chances of you getting 90 days in 1 try are very very slim and I’m not hating on you. I’m giving you realistic expectations here so you can manage if/when a relapse hits you. So you don’t disappear from here for months at a time if it happens. Bouncing back is critical to long term success at this. It’s taken you years to get to this point so be ok with the idea that this might be just as long and a difficult road back to remove all the poison in your mind.

    I look forward to seeing your progress because if you stay with it I promise you it gets easier and life gets better. But win your first small battle, 1 day.
     
    Last edited: Apr 4, 2021
  6. theMotivator

    theMotivator Fapstronaut

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    Have you tried to eliminate all triggers and literally, physically restricting yourself from it? Why is your phone or computer in your bed? Watch the nofap movie in my signature below, maybe it will scare you to death and you will stop it :eek::D
     
  7. Lost_forever

    Lost_forever Fapstronaut

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    There's a book called "Atomic habits" that really helped me understand addiction and how it works, it gives solutions to the problems your going through, procrastination, relapsing, lack of will power ect, it also gives you advice on how to change, what changing yourself truly means, and what kind of change you should aspire to, in order to succeed, I highly recommend you pick it up cause it gives you a brand new perspective that I Haven't been able to find anywhere else. I also recommend "12 rules for life" by Jordan peterson, it doesn't focus on addiction but it talks about it, and i think it does a good job of it. My advice to you would be to find your trigger, what, where or gives you urges to turn to porn, for example- I have identified 3 triggers for me, my bed, my family, and school. Everytime I used to stay in bed too late I would relapse sometimes even looking at my bed would give me urges. This is because my bed is the only place I jerk it on,.Everytime I am around my family I would get urges, my family specifically my dad played a big role in my porn addiction,everytime I'm around them I feel shitty and I start thinking about porn.School (specifically my highschool) was a trigger and not just for porn it was also the reason I overate. I found out about these triggers when I was reading a post on a forum but I got deeper into it after reading that book "Atomic habits". I was able to find ways to deal with these triggers, for my bed I started limiting my time there and I also made it hard to see from my study area, for my family I decided to find out why I feel the way I feel about them and I found out my dad was a huge narcissist, my mother was an enabler, my sister was like my dad , and my other sister was manipulative asf, so I decided to slowly cut them off from my life, with school I graduated so I didn't have to worry about that anymore and when I did I was able to lose weight and I started making some results in my addiction recovery.
     
  8. modern milarepa

    modern milarepa Fapstronaut

    Welcome, we are here for you.
    It seems you know a lot and do many healthy things, I will suggest going to a doctor and maybe prescribe you an ansiolitic for a couple months to help you with the battle. Just a suggestion it might help.
     
  9. Killyourlust

    Killyourlust Fapstronaut

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    Hmmm... Your addiction seems severe. I would suggest you tell your addiction to to your fiance. Then leave all your responsibilities behind and go to some forest / mountain or any place where there is no internet(like your village) , leave all your devices behind. Stay there for three months , enjoy the nature , focus on self improvement. This path is certain ,and will free you from porn in the fastest way. The other path , where you are surrounded by this sexually society , you need extreme will power , focus to quit this addiction and this is not a certain path either , you can become more addicted and may take long time. You are already earning , have settled in your life and I suppose you would able to survive 3 months in an isolated place rather than suffering for years. If I was in your shoes I would definitely do that , unfortunately I am 16 year old , who goes to school.
     
    swordmaster likes this.
  10. swordmaster

    swordmaster Fapstronaut

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    School can be a nice way to get social and therefore make things easier for yourself.
    When I was 15 I did my first 3 months pmo free. Socializing in school helped me immensely. But yes, you need will power too. It's the most important self-discipline one can have for nofap
     
  11. TB4

    TB4 Fapstronaut

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    I don't know if anyone already told you this- but tell your fiancé about this,maybe not now, but when you feel ready, she'll 100% support you and help you in ways you could never imagine,and it helps your relationship in trust as well,you can wait till you're comfortable with it,but it'll surely help
     

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