I am disgusting. I do not deserve a woman.

You aren't disgusting. In fact you are probably more interesting than the average guy. You can be proud of who you are and still have goals for self-improvement.

What concerns me is all this money you are spending. That's a lot of money for a temporary dopamine hit. There are ways to get a lower but steadier amount of dopamine that are much less expensive.

 

In my opinion, it's not about what you're "into," a lot of good people are into some wild or different stuff. The problem is taking actions that you know will have a negative consequence (such as spending a lot of cash in a short amount of time) but not being able to stop. And since that is the result of brain conditioning, you don't need to feel ashamed of that either. You can just know that you want to live differently; it doesn't mean that you have to deny what turns you on.

 

Do not put yourself down, I'm sure you feel bad enough already. I would start off by deleted your accounts (OF, PHUB, ETC). One small step but can have a big impact, post it on the forum and you will get encouragement as well. Also, kinks like that get developed and can go away when you don't experience them for long periods of time so all is not lost and you have the ability to get over it with hard work.