i am finally strong enough

Hi everyone.

Firstly I would like to thank you, all of you. I have found NoFap in the beginning on this month but I have been trying to stop PMO for more than 2 years. I started watching porn when I was 12-13. So now it is more than 6 years me having this habit.

I would like to thank you because I am sure you gave me the power to change. I have read about your succeses, failures, histories of people at my age (19), and from much olders than me. Especially reading about problems of older of you was crucial for me. My parent got divorced when I was 7 and now I am sure that divorce is one of the worst thing parents can make their children. When I realised that I can live with PMO, find a woman, get marriage with her and make in the future to my son the same shit because of PMO.. it was the last missing part.

My very first atempt to leave PMO was one big failure. I could not stop for more than a day so after a few months I told to myself that it is not worth trying more, just live with it. But then, a year ago, happened something crucial for me. I have never been able to make close relationship with anybody. No close friend, no girls. Just me and porn. But that day met one girl and I did not know why we became friends very quickly. For real she was the first person in my life I was able to talk to for hours. First person who was really interested in me, I felt truely myself while beign with her. Very quickly we begun to seeing each other and something in my head told me "Listen. She is great, you love spending time with her. There will be probably sex in the close future so stop fapping yourself and enjoy the life" And I did but not for a long. I was able to not masturbate for about 2 weeks. Those were surely the best 2 weeks of my life, I felt like a god, finally with girl I wanted to be with. But then I relapsed and everything changed. I remember a few days after my relapse she called me and told that she has a house only for herself but just for 2 hours so if I want I can come to her but I do not have to. I came to her, we were kissing in her bed and one time she was so ready for sex that she even suggested it to me. I told her "not now, we have time". And I would love this answer if I were able to finish it with "we have time because I am fighting with my habit and once I win aginst this shit we will have great sex together". But the true was we have time because I am addicted to porn and I feel like piece of shit. After this day I fapped every day. She was waiting for sex, gave us one more try when invited me to her for a night, opened a door with just a pants and night t-shirt and you know what? She took me straight to her room, to her bed, told me with big smile that we should not be very loud because of neighbours and I said "ok" gave her a long kiss and got sleep.

The day she broke up with me is probably the best one of my life looking back. I will celebrate this date for the rest of my life. That day I finally realised I can't live that life anymore. I realised that I am not good enough to keep great girl with me. That day I realised I need to stop fapping and watching porn.

But I struggled a lot. From failure to failure. Finally on January I was able to make 21 days - than relapsed and again fap every day. On May I made 30 days and relapsed (to see if I am still addicted...) Whole June I was fapping and I was trully enjoying it but one more time I told to myself "July - the month of my change". I was able to make 2 days, and relapsed on 3rd July. It was too much for me. I again felt like shit but came in front of the mirror and saw no shit. So I told to myself "ok, we will make you a shit" I fapped all day long, do not know how many times. All day I lay on my bed and fap and watching porn. At the end of that day I came in front of the mirror and was finally able to say "yes, now you look like a piece of shit". My face was horrible, I think I do not have to write more how I looked like, you can imagine. It was the first missing part. I understood that if I want to stop fapping I must really start hating porn. That day I hated it so much. Now I am on my 20 day. I know that it is just a beginning but since today I have not got even little urge, no thinking about porn - there were maybe 3 or 4 thoughts this whole time and I was able to kill these thoughs in 5 seconds, I do not accept any fantasy. And I feel really strong and I am confident I will win this time - beacause I made a lot of things to make myself a front runner in this fight.

I do not masturbate, do not watching porn, practice maditation 3 times per day, listening to relaxing music, smile a lot, eat healthy, no internet, no tv, running, learning and again smiling. What is more every day in the morning i am standing in front of miror, smile to myself and practice greatfulness. I am greatful because I live, I am not seriouslly ill, I have two arms, two legs, I have eyes and can see the things, I have mouth and can talk, I have ears and can hear. And.. I am greatful because I was able to trully forgive myself. The second missing part. I forgave myself all the things I have done. I forgave myself that I lost over 6 years of life, I forgave myself that I used to spend whole time watching porn and not having and close person. I forgave myself that I was the main reason of my ex breaking up with me. I forgave myself that after break up I was not able to change immediately. Because I was not able. Now I am able.

What is more I took responsibility for my life and for my past. I loved to say "ooo I am who I am because my parents got divorced, if they had not got divorced everything could have been better" It was the wrong end of the stick. Yes, my parents divorce was hard, but I had a choice. Yes I had a choice and I made it possible to affect me. I allowed the divorce to influence my life. I allowed other people(my parents) to influence my life because I could stay strong. I could stay strong and chose to fight. It is was the same story for whole my life. All my life I was allowing people to affect my mood, my self-confidence etc. So once I lost sth I could say "ooo it is not my fault. It is because of .... I was not able to do anything about it" I was able, I was able to change everything. And everything bad happend to me in the past - it was my fault, I am responsible for it, I can still change it. The third missing part.

The last missing part is the future. I realised that not only PMO stole from me hundreds of days in the past but it will also steal hundred of them from my future and my child's too.

On October I will change a city I live. New place to live, new people, new activities. I want to make it 90 days before my move, to be "clean", to start everything again, to start my life again.

I do hate porn, maybe my body will ask me in the future to watch it but I will never ever give up again. Because I accept that it will happen one day. Because for more than 6 years I was talking to my body that if it wants to have sex we will have it together with porn. My body just do what I taught it to do. I can not be mad about it, I can not be angry with my body. I just accept that now I am strong but probably in the future, because I am just on the beginning on my path, urges will come and they will be strong. But I am ready to say just "no". Nothing more, just simple "no" . Because now my dear body I am teaching you something new and making you ready for our new life. Together but without PMO.

Sorry for my english, hope you will understand me. Thank you again so much. Many times while I was reading your stories I said loudly "good job, keep going" "try again" "i am with you". Making high fives with my computer's screen. I am really greatful I have found that forum and I will be very, very grateful if my quite long story will help even one person to stay strong.