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I am full of shame - porn addiction, cuckold and omegle - testimony of my life

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by fullofshame, Jun 13, 2022.

Becoming a bull?

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  2. No

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  1. fullofshame

    fullofshame New Fapstronaut

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    Good day to anybody who may read it,

    I am creating this post as a testimony of my serious psychological issue and shameful behavior which I am guilty of and ashamed to ever admit to anybody. I want this post to be a "memorial" of my disgusting behavior which thrived for years and became an awful beast, separate being, completely disconnected from reality. I am this monster when in indulge in pornography and sex chats. I want this post to commemorate the time I touched the bottom and start striving for better days.
    I have been an addict for past 15+ years. I vividly remember playing with myself in kindergarten, which did not feel wrong or problematic at that time, but everything changed, when I was introduced to porn in primary school. I quickly went from vanilla porn to watching other disgusting and shameful things like hardcore hentai or even zoofilia. I would have never thought about looking for such things, but I was introduced to these by my friends, just as an anecdote. I would have never imagined to be such a low living creature to masturbate to these things. The realization was vague and It never really came to me what the f*** I am doing. I have scared myself visually just for another hit of dopamine. It later in life drove me to be a voyeur and in general a disgusting pervert.
    In my late teens I met a great girl, we have been together for couple of years. Before we broke up my porn addiction drove me to be a cuck in this relationship. It may have been her curiosity but what am I if I allowed myself and her to do it with someone else and to watch it. I remember I cried a lot after each time, I remember this year as being one of the worst, yet I have watched her do it several times. I have had no self respect before but after that time I lost all of it. Just after several years, I picked all the pieces and realized that my voyeuristic behavior of watching people do it on the screen made me try it.
    After breaking up I started my yet another awful behavior which was going on Omegle. It became my obsession during a year after a break up. I have spent whole nights trying to look for women online, sometimes I ended up doing it with men just for the sake of orgasm. I have been involuntary gay as I have no desires for me but these that were created through watching porn. I tried ending this obsession several times. I got very afraid that someone might get to know. I have had two separate 30 day streaks after which usually omegle caused me to break them.
    My second time was two days ago. I felt very lonely after coming back from a friends house. Put on the camera and spent 3 hours going through chatrooms on omegle. I have not shown anything but my naked chest but I still feel awful and afraid It might have been this time that I have done something wrong and that I may be watched or guilty of exposing myself to a minor. I am a low life but I have never reached such a low to be attracted to children, that's even below my reachable level. nevertheless I am very scared it may have been this time that I will get caught.
    I want to change, I believe that If enough time passes I may forget everything and become healthy, not attracted to this disgraceful images. I have started the counter, again, and will try to come back to this post as often as it will be needed.
    The only thing I want to ask anybody who may have the similar experience or knowledge about cuckold. As I know there are people who do really enjoy this life.
    Do you think swinging the pendulum to the complete opposite may help me recover from this shameful feeling of being a cuck? What I mean is trying to meet some couple and being the bull (the man who f***s someones wife/girl). Do you think it may help me feel like I can also be the active/the powerful person. To be blunt - I am the one who f***s. The zoophilia, hentai and disgusting thing is just my mind addicted to porn. However this time I have been cucked, haunts me even more. I think on Omegle I was looking for someone who would desire me, I was looking for approval that I am a worthy person and not a cucked loser. I have never had sex with anybody else but my ex and this man, so I do not think that It may become my next addiction. I am very aware of possible STIs and will try to do it as carefully as possible.

    Thank you, who may have read through all of this. I am hoping to begin a new life, a new life without porn and masturbation. May this time be the last time and going for years.
    In case you have answers to my question, I am thanking you in advance for them.

    Always strive for better times. Never be satisfied to allow yourself to settle. Keep up and carry on the struggle of daily life.

    Yours truly, M
    P.S. Thunderstorm started just as I have finished this letter. It's a beautiful sign of rebirth, don't you think?
     
    RazorAim and yanzinator like this.
  2. yanzinator

    yanzinator Fapstronaut

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    may you succeed, good luck and good job on realizing the issue
     
    fullofshame likes this.
  3. Swift Escape

    Swift Escape Fapstronaut

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    No way indulging the other side of the coin will make you feel better- you've got to break out, not fight for the other side of a war that you're not even drafted into. That shame will be with you for as long as it takes for you to realize the following:

    Every second can be the one that changes your life completely for the better.

    Why stick to the stuff that you know isn't working? Time to flip the script! You're in control of your fate, and as long as you know that, you can win on any given day,in any scenario.
     
  4. smh_fam

    smh_fam Fapstronaut

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    It's basically the same shit. The cuck / bull dynamic are both forms of sexual vampirism. You feel insecure about your own sexuality so you need another man involved to demonstrate to yourself your "dominance" over him.

    I don't think that's particularly healthy for anybody involved.
     
    fullofshame and TiredOfFailing like this.
  5. fullofshame

    fullofshame New Fapstronaut

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    This phrase "sexual vampirism" and especially proving to others, really gets to me. Insecurity and low self-esteem is definitely something i struggle in everyday life. Thank you very much. I think I should just try my best with any potential partner (if and when it eventually happens as it's been a long time of celibacy for me) and hope to see good results to prove that I am not bad or weak? I know I may be revolving too much around sex. I kind of keep thinking that life has not much to offer in general so abstaining from relations (possible sex) is cutting thinner already thin slice.

    Also, to anybody who may read this. How do you feel about these chatrooms? I assume you can also easily get hooked to that, but since I have no other ideas for filling this lonely hole, what should I do else? I am already busy but it's just not easy spending sometimes 48h indoors doing work and not wanting to talk to someone/socialise. I do gym, martial arts, learning language. It's just not very satisfying in long run or am I missing something?
     
    Last edited: Jun 16, 2022
    User number one likes this.
  6. Meshuga

    Meshuga Fapstronaut

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    Becoming a bull is still buying into the premise of P. P says S is for nothing but pleasure. P says S is just transactional. The cuck fetish says S is all about power, and there’s “winners” and “losers” and even the losers win because it’s just pleasure. Thinking you’ll reverse the damaging effects by playing a different position in the game is a lie. Just quit the game.

    S is for bonding. When you have S your bodies release oxytocin, the same hormone than bonds mothers to their children. P is unnatural, trying to break the significance of that bond, claiming it’s “just S,” claiming you can hook up without feeling anything for your partner. It isn’t true. You will naturally always feel something for your partner, but when you have S prematurely, when you have other feelings that contradict that bonding, you get used to rejecting your partners and it becomes harder and harder to actually love someone.

    P glorifies meaningless acts of pleasure because that’s all it has. It can’t give you anything better, so it claims that’s all there is to have. It’s not true. There’s an entire dimension of love, acceptance, satisfaction, even pleasure in S that P and fetishes can’t access.

    At minimum you should value yourself enough to share that side of yourself only with partners you deeply care about. At maximum, only the one person you want to care about. Anything less is cheating yourself.
     
    Reclamation and +TenPercent like this.
  7. Years ago I had my bike stolen. Every time I think about getting a bike, I remember this experience and it still upsets me . . . a lot!

    Should I go out and steal someone else's bike? Not because I need a bike, but just so that I can feel better about myself? Somebody victimised me and stole my really nice bike - would screwing over someone else in the same way change that??

    It sounds like maybe you've already given up on the bull idea. It's a twisted, manipulative way of using other people to help you feel better about yourself. If it made you feel so crappy, why would you do that to someone else?? Would that really make you feel better?
     
    Brown Boy, Swift Escape and Meshuga like this.
  8. WilliamJ.F.

    WilliamJ.F. Fapstronaut

    Adultery is not wise.

    STIs are always a risk in sexual situations. Are you really going to risk a severe STI for the adultery lifestyle? There are even some STIs that make sex painful as well as are permanant. You can have sex with someone's wife, contract a severe STI, and then never be able to have painless sex again.

    And yes, couples can have STIs. Some couples don't know that they have an STI. Others are completely okay with their STIs but might not disclose their STI status. The adultery lifestyle is probably hard enough to practice, and disclosure would likely discourage participants.

    If you hop from couple to couple, then you will increase your chance of infection. And unlike marriage, there is no guarantee that you will be committing adultery with only one couple for your entire life.

    Condoms can break. Condoms don't always cover all infectious areas.

    The adultery lifestyle is very dangerous. It can literally turn into a couple preying on you. A single woman alone can already do a lot of damage to a seduced man through theft, false rape allegations, false paternity (or child support) claims, and more. These risks are more than doubled when a couple is involved. The couple can video-record your sexual intercourse and then publish it online. They can blackmail you with the video. The couple can frame you for rape whereupon the video can be evidence. Even if you were framed, two witnesses accusing you of rape, both married to each other, would quickly have a jury against you. Heck, even if you prove that they agreed to the sex, they could falsely claim that you raped her when the couple suddenly didn't want to go through with the sex agreement.

    Heck, the wife can lure you into a vulnerable position whereupon her husband can rob you at gunpoint. Once you touch his wife, you give him a license to physically assault you or even kill you. In court, he could just falsely claim that he was defending his wife against a home invader.

    Another huge issue is jealousy. Husbands can get jealous and cut off the adultery, making you hop from couple to couple and increasing your chance of infection. A husband might get jealous and want to harm you for having sex with his wife. A wife might even leave her husband, to be with you instead. In such a situation, the husband's jealousy may grow so severe that he may try to cause great harm to you.
     
    Last edited: Jul 3, 2022
    Brown Boy likes this.
  9. Long Range

    Long Range Fapstronaut

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    Yes, I do think that it would help you. But you don't need to cuck someone else to be a bull. When you have sex with a woman you are the bull, you are her bull. So go get a girlfriend and fuck her really good and often, that's how you become a bull.
     
  10. 整列するおとこ

    整列するおとこ Fapstronaut

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    Keep practicing these 30 day's.

    It seems like the relationship hit you pretty hard and I myself have dug a well with each brake up especially one I don't need to keep remembering that was a waste of time and money that I unfortunately do. When we get into this crap shoot we have massive brain fog forming or body fog even. We need to clear this fog and start seeing light in our self's and our positive energies making our self's stronger and vibrate.
     
  11. Brown Boy

    Brown Boy Fapstronaut

    Aww how litigious of you.

    Yes and husband can cut your Dick too. we can't deny that possibility bro.

    @WilliamJ.F. Don't take it the wrong way but bro you are one hell of pessimist guy i have ever seen on this platform. i know you are trying to warn him but still.....
    I recommend you a book "Attitude is Everything" by Jeff Keller. You should read this book.
     
  12. lord help me

    lord help me New Fapstronaut

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  13. lord help me

    lord help me New Fapstronaut

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    I can relate to these things.

    I too began with pornographers from a young age, it escalated to looking at more extreme things such as cuckold etc. I even mentioned this to my wife, thankfully she refused.

    the only thing that has helped me is going full cold turkey. That’s no P no chat rooms etc. I’ve been clean for almost a year now.

    the one thing I would say is that having sex can make you get these urges again, when I feel this happening I just go full on cold turkey, no sex with my wife for 30 days etc and reboot.

    it’s an addiction like any other, it’s hard, I pray and I read scripture, I recommend that to anyone struggling as you can’t beat this alone.

    good luck to you brother, with the help of God I know you will overcome this.
     
    Nafees likes this.
  14. Nafees

    Nafees New Fapstronaut

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    Waiting for upcoming update
     

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