I am getting used to changes in my sexuality

I want to thank everyone for commenting, you guys gave me great insights.

My another thought "attraction" to men that hocd types have may come from sexual flexibility increased by porn consumption together with various fetishes connected to men. I thought about it and I am attracted to sexual situations involving men, not men themselves. And if I need whole bunch of porn fantasies and fetishes to like idea of sex with men, then I don't really like men. Porn took away repulsion to idea and fantasies made idea desireable.

Major reason of anxiety and confusion for me was inability to tell for sure that I like or dislike men. I feel that earlier this month, when I was willing to accept bisexual label, and I felt fine with that, I was doing this to cut the confusion and pretend that all those fantasies are some coherent attraction, because it was giving me sense of integrity. I remember thinking when I was especially confused that I would prefer to be bisexual since always rather than having all those doubts. Now I see that without all those porn fantasies, I wouldn't have any reason to have gay sex. I hoope reboot will remove them.

I was very eager to use label bisexual not so long ago, now I would say that I am heteroflexible, not really bicurious anymore. I can't say confidently that I am straight, at least for now. I use those labels to put some structure to my thoughts. When I do nofap I have lot's of them, not so much when I watch porn.

 

Dramatization of my recent thoughts and rationalizations (No, I don't hear voices in my head lol)

My brain: Ok you got me on that, you like some unrealistic fantasies from porn involving men that will never happen in real life and you don't like real men at all. But hey, it doesn't mean you can't try gay sex, you might make in pleasurable with some prep.

Me: Why should I do that? Normal people do not have sex with gender they do not find attractive. It sounds insane.

Brain: But it's sex! It will give you validation and nice feeling of being sexually desired! And it might feel good, maybe, at least to some extend, it might do not feel good at all, but I know you can tolerate it.

Me: I can only tolerate this idea, because you are poisoned by porn Brain. Besides, it seems that I just should find myself a girlfriend and I'll have all the validation and more.

Brain: But it might take few months or more! It's such a long time!

Me: It will bring me long lasting happiness.

Brain: You might do it just once, only once, to see if you like it, you don't have to do it again.

Me: Engaging in high risk behaviour "just to try it" is retarded.

Brain: BUT I WANT TO COOM AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Me: SILENCE BRAIN! I DO NOT WISH TO BE HORNY ANYMORE.

I just want to be happy.

 

Thank's brother. We're gonna make it. Stay strong too, God bless.

 

Lol, two weeks ago I thought that I am bisexual. I was really mistaken, but it took away a lot of unnecessary stress and gave me some space to think about who I really am without unnecessaty anxiety.

Now I am pretty sure that I'll be able to go back to confidently identifying as straight. I need a reboot long and clean enough to purge all the porn fantasies that still itch me a bit and I'll be fine.

Thanks everyone for commenting.

 

All the kinky bs I stumbled upon during past two years is still "itching" me, but now I see quit clearly between what is core to my sexuality and what is porn induced. I knew those things were porn induced because I encounteres them in porn and developed taste for them, but they felt like my normal fantasies. Now they are fading and they feel frankly ridiculous. I have to be careful because the issue will probably reappear in case of a relapse to old habits, this is really just the beginning, but it feels great and gives me much hope for the future.

I had signs of furry fetish since early childhood and it fully developed during puberty. It probably will never go away, but without porn it would be managable. Nobody has to know that I have thing for women with extra features.

I am, or rather I will be fully straight. Without porn men are completely neutral to me and I have no sexual feelings about them.

What got really twisted by porn was my taste in women from all things. It was unfortunate collision of porn and psychological issues. During this reboot I had some fantasies (idealised imaginations rather than strictly sexual stuff) about "tomboy" masculine, dominant women. Initially I though that this is some sublimation of attraction to manhood into more acceptable form (I should either watch less videos about psychoanalisis on YT or actually read Jung), but it was a lot easier. I realised that this fantasy appeared relatively early in my two years long period of depression and porn escalation. I was still heartbroken and I was basically daydreaming about happy future that I'll never have (sounds cringy, but this is depression, now I am cured and optimistic). It was idealised version of what I like in women. I like when a woman in daily, romantic or sexual situation takes initiative, I sometimes like being the passive side, I like when nice things are done to me and the other person enjoys it. From the very early age I have thing for women being on top in sex. Is it that perverse? Definitely not in comparison to what kinks I developed from porn. I don't exactly need it, I like to be active or lead, I do it when it is demanded from me. My ex wasn't a person with lots of initiative, but she was sometimes proposing to do something. We had a happy (at least from my perspective) relationship for couple of months, then we broke up in matter of days when she started to be hostile and hysterical, I was trying to find solutions, but she was refusing to give me a chance whatever I proposed. She was resenting me for agreeing to her plans, because it was my role as a man to propose them, she was resenting me for asking her about preferences (e.g. what kind of restaurant or movie) or where can we go together in unfamiliar city, that she knew. Whole responsibility of her good time was on me, in fact in her eyes I was more of a entertainer and travel agency than a boyfriend. I had to do everything and everything had to be done flawlessly and she basically hated me for having input in our time spent together. She never mentioned it before going berserk and she never really stated her needs. It wasn't completely one sided, she done some acceptable for her nice things to me, so I haven't noticed what is coming, I can't read minds. She was throwing all this resentment on me for couple if days and we broke up. In a way she was exact opposite of what I find especially attractive and she was calling me unmanly for even thinking that women can sometimes take initiative or asking questions if she likes italian or asian food. I think it really messed with my brained and pushed me towards all this submissive bullshit that was extremely sexualised and twisted version of my normal preferences. Yeah I would be happy to see a woman initiating things, but it doesn't mean that I have to do all this kinku submissive nonsense that I was watching. At some point when bad time was close to end I rember being interested in "gentle femdom" but it was probably my mind trying to revert to something more normal. With porn you can find yourself going really far down the road. It wasn't an accident that I got into femdom, but it wasn't really me. Labels should be descriptive not prescriptive, but porn have relatively limited generes, that aren't made for specific people and sooner or later you may end with something that wasn't at all your initial taste.

Also vanilla sex feels like something exciting again, I am not longer angsty about my future girlfriend not sharing my stupid kinks, because dominant women are very rare and I'll probably have a vanilla gf.

I think that my therapist would be proud, but corona happened.

The future is at last bright again.

 

For me after critical point those thoughts went away.

 

2-3 weeks are critical. But it is important not to overstimulate yourself at this point. Streak should be as clean as possible.