I am losing my mind...

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by SorryWontSayIt, Nov 24, 2018.

  1. SorryWontSayIt

    SorryWontSayIt Fapstronaut

    I don't understand myself currently. I am very sure the girl I like, likes me - but I am still not able to ask her out. I am fucking losing my mind and don't understand why I don't do it and are scared.

    We have meet at two partys and both times there have been something extra there. Last party we both knew more or less that there was some interest from both off us, and I am pretty sure her friends understood it. Still I can't do shit.

    Only reason why I am scared is because shes in my class, and I am afraid that if I fail the relationship it will be fucked up being at school...

    I seriously don't know. We have done some texting too, sometimes more, sometimes less. A bit less now lately, but at the party the interest seemed to be back. I am both angry at myself, scared to take the step because of past experience.

    I am also not sure what to do, because I am pretty new to the town.

    I consider to ask her to a walk / hike? Ask if she can show me some places to do it, since she knows the town better. But then I have to man up, which I am scared I won't :(

    I seriously don't understand myself. At the first party where we started to talk, she grabbed my phone and added her contact information without me asking. Then we have texted a bit (busy time), and I had to leave town. Now I am back, it was a bit less texting, but then we meet at a party again and the eye contact was there, we were always close, sittint with each other, walking with each other, etc.

    It is not that I am really afraid of getting rejected. I am more afraid of the whole being in the same class, if things goes bad.
    Last edited: Nov 24, 2018
  2. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

    You can't have it both ways.

    If peace and comfort is so important to you, then leave it alone.

    A lot of people live their whole life like this.

    "I want do it, but it's hard."
    "I really want to, but things might go wrong."
    "I like her, but I don't know if we're right for each other."
    "I'm not afraid of rejection, but (enter list of excuses here)."
    "I would................ but I won't because the time / circumstances aren't ideal."
    "Maybe when I really feel like it..."

    If you want to give the relationship a chance, then you'll have to take a risk.

    Commit to something.

    Hesitating and not figuring out what you want must be very annoying to her.
  3. CH3RRY

    CH3RRY Fapstronaut
    NoFap Defender

    There's only 2 options here and clearly the other one is the right one. If you truly think that asking her out is a bad option, you wouldn't even be contemplating this.
    SorryWontSayIt likes this.
  4. Z.e.n.o

    Z.e.n.o Fapstronaut

    This may be an opportunity to know yourself better.. don't think too much :)
  5. SorryWontSayIt

    SorryWontSayIt Fapstronaut

    Thanks for respons to all of you! :,)

    I guess peace and comfort is something I have been living up to most of my life. But thats not who I want to be. I guess I just need to start make changes and take my first steps. It can end up painful, scary or maybe beautiful. I guess I just need to learn to take more risks and learn from mistakes and experience.

    Very true, I would not even contemplating if I was sure it was only bad. I have a lot to learn about her yet, but I really want to learn more about her too. Maybe I create a better picture of her then it is, because all "have mistakes".

    I guess I just have to figure out a way to ask her out. Because I know, if shes interest in me, she don't want to hurt me in anyway. So I don't understand why I am scared. I guess it is because I lack experience and it is an unknown outcome from it all, and I may focus too much on the bad results instead of the good ones.

    Guess I have to change mindset a bit when it comes to dating. I got everything in my life under control, so I feel ready for a relationship, it is just very scary for me to enter the dating part.

    True! I guess I need to stop overthink (specially regarding the bad outcomes). Fear is not even real, and I know there is or at least was some interest if I am not too slow now.

    Also yeah, I have a lot to learn about myself when it comes to dating. I have always been a person who like to have control over his life. At the same time, I don't like that I am so comfortable with that idea. I want to learn to take more risks and face what I fear. It is just so damn hard for some reason.

    Some part of this fear may be because of past experience, but also it is just fear because of lack of experience.

    What do you people think?

    Is it a good idea to go for a hike on the first date? After what I know we both like to go hiking, and she knows a lot more about where to go. So is it a good idea to ask if she wants to go for a hike and ask if she could show me a good place?
    CH3RRY likes this.
  6. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

    It's that need for control that's generating more insecurity. Being comfortable with uncertainty is what allows us to feel secure.

    Confidence isn't being able to control reality into exactly how you want it to be. That's just dellusional and fearful. Confidence is a belief that no matter what happens, you'll be able to handle it.

    Does being an anxious control freak that worries about everything and is overly cautious sound like being in control to you? Or does someone that faces difficulty, fear, and uncertainty despite knowing that things might not work out sound more like empowerment, control, and security?

    Respect the fact that reality / the world / life / external people and things are beyond your grasp to control. Recognize that we're all fragile, temporary, and limited. Accept that sometimes people won't be interested in you and not everything works out in life. That often you'll fail, make mistakes, get rejected, have painful problematic negative experiences, and ultimately we have no idea what the fuck we're doing.

    The more we try to make others love and accept us, the less they will, and more importantly, the less we will love and accept ourselves.

    Why do you need permission to do this? Why would a bunch of strangers on a forum know what's a good idea for you and your life?

    It doesn't matter what we want or what she wants. If you want to go hiking, then do it. She'll either want to or she won't. Waiting for permission and being uncertain with what you want is a sign that you don't place a lot of value on who you are as a person. That you think you're not good enough for her. That you need some special thing outside of what you normally do in order for other people to like you. That you care more about being liked by others than you care about your own desires.

    You lack experience because for most of your life you've been waiting for guarantees. Waiting for ideal circumstances. You feel entitled to have everything perfectly set in place and control everything to exactly how you want it to be before taking action.

    You gain experience by doing things before you're ready. Various difficult circumstances are made not to matter as much when you've experienced them and learned how to handle them. But you can't gain this experience by waiting until you feel competent and confident. You gain competence and confidence by gaining experience while you're insecure and incompetent.

    Trying to control everything and everyone has caused you to be very self centered and trapped. It's escapism. If something isn't in your control, then you block it out and only keep things in your life that's within your control (like solitude). It doesn't allow you to connect with others because you're too concerned about protecting yourself rather than living in the real world with other people.

    When people ask things like "what should I say" or "what should I do". What they really mean is "what can I say or do in order to manipulate the other person so they don't possibly hurt me".

    If you want control, then continue being alone for the rest of your life. Porn is all about control and not taking risks. Solitude is all about not letting others into your life out of fear of uncertainty. Escapism is all about not being able to handle pain, problems, and negative experiences. Perfectionism and procrastination is all about waiting for guarantees before taking action.

    There's no way you will ever gain enough experience if every girl you're interested in "has to work or I'm fucked."
  7. SorryWontSayIt

    SorryWontSayIt Fapstronaut

    Wow thank you! I love what you wrote!

    I really want to stop escaping for experience.

    I think this is something I needed to hear.

    This hit me a lot "It doesn't matter what we want or what she wants. If you want to go hiking, then do it. She'll either want to or she won't. Waiting for permission and being uncertain with what you want is a sign that you don't place a lot of value on who you are as a person. That you think you're not good enough for her.", really needed to read that. I will just do it, if it works out great, if not, at least I can move on :,)
  8. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

    Most people try so hard to avoid rejection, but it's a natural part of life. It's a fact that not everyone will be interested in you just as you won't be interested in everyone. To avoid rejection is to avoid reality. When you escape reality, not only do you escape the negative experiences, but you also escape all the possible positive experiences.

    You have to find something more important than outcomes. Something more important than being possibly rejected or things not working out. Those things are largely out of your control. For me, it's expressing myself honestly and being proud of who I am. It makes me proud to go for what I want whether or not things work out. With dating, the goal shouldn't be to convince, trick, manipulate, or win someone over. The goal should be finding someone that's a willing participant in your life. Someone who shows enthusiasm to be with you. You can't find that if you're playing it safe and hiding who you really are.

    Do and say what you want. Send out invitations to everyone you're interested in. It's up to them if they want to join you on that path, but you're going to do it with or without them because it's what you want to do. Don't waste time trying to convince someone that isn't interested. Find people that are excited to be with you.

    You shouldn't be trying to get approval from others. You should be doing and saying things that make you approve of yourself. You're the only person you should ever be trying to win over. This is how self esteem is built. When you do things you're proud of despite the outcome, fear, difficulty, and uncertainty. Depending your self worth on the validation of others is a good way to always be paranoid, afraid, and a control freak.
  9. PJT

    PJT Fapstronaut

    It can be worse; say for instance this is someone you work with and there aren't that many people that work at the company in general. I am guessing your class consists of more then 10 people.
    SorryWontSayIt likes this.
  10. SorryWontSayIt

    SorryWontSayIt Fapstronaut

    Thank you for so much great adivce! And it all makes so much sense!

    If you ever wrote a book I would seriously read it :,)hehe.

    Very true. In my class we are about 40 people.

    _ _ _ _ _

    Me and the girl was actually picked by the teacher to be in a group project for just today with two other people. I thougth it would be a great chance, but sadly she was sick and could not meet. Hopefully she will be back tomorrow and I will get a new chance :) Want to ask her face to face! :)
  11. Ra's Al Ghul

    Ra's Al Ghul Fapstronaut

    Wayne Gretzky said you miss 100 percent of the shots you don't take. I have always regretted it when I let opportunities pass me by.

    I have never regretted it when I tried to ask a gal out and she ends up being not available or uninterested. The worse feeling is "what could have been" had I had the balls to try when I had the chance.

    Life is short. You will regret the opportunities you don't attempt. You will be like Elliot Roger (he never asked a girl out), minus the murders he committed.

    Yes, rejection sucks, but being a wallflower and spectator of life sucks even more and a lot of people go to the grave that way.
    SorryWontSayIt likes this.
  12. SorryWontSayIt

    SorryWontSayIt Fapstronaut


    It is very true that you miss 100 percent of the shot you don't take. It is a really good way to put it.

    I have already made some regrets in my life.

    Today I actually felt pretty confident and ready to ask her out (as I said I want to do it face to face), but sadly she was not at school today too. Maybe I will need to text her instead, even tho thats not the way I wanted. But at least I won't regret not trying.
  13. MasterGamer

    MasterGamer Fapstronaut

    I read everything lol, did you finally ask her?? What did she say?

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