I feel empty, emotionless to the point where it feels horrid, like the pressure is building in my head and I cannot do anything about it. It feels like I will forever be tarnished by what I have done, that things will never be the same. I have thought about my existence and have asked God to kill me as I do not have the power to do so. I feel like a loser, a retarded individual, as if there is something wrong with me. It feels as if I am cursed and there is a force within me trying to destroy me. I have asked God for help so many times know that I have revived no help with my struggles. My perception of myself with these things is that I am a piece of shit everytime I fail. I have hate towards myself. I made a thread a year ago about my story, and nothing has changed since then. This is what I wrote. I am now 22. I am a 20 year old dude who has been struggling with pmo and mo since I first began as a young teenager around 12-13. I have never been in a relationship with a girl and I have had recent thoughts in the past 2-3 years that it is not worth it. The pmo stuff really started to get bad around 15-16, but I'd mo 4 times every second day from then age of 12-15 years old due to OCD. It affected me greatly through that time. I was never good with girls and I'd be to scared to talk to them. I liked girls without ever really talking to them. It brings back bad memories but I would like you guys and gals to know my story. I started do things I should not have been doing at age 16 that I am really dissapointed and saddened by, and some other factors such as pressure, stress and feelings of not being good enough as well as no hope of getting a girlfriend kicked in and added to it. I just wish I knew what I was doing would ruin everything and it would never be that same. 2015 (17 years old) was the year I decided enough was enough, especially towards the end of the year. I still would mo and pmo frequently and do things I should have probably avoided. It was mainly in the last half of the year that decided enough was enough, and I took the plunge to stop. I did not use any NoFap help or any other advice from other websites about it. I did not know that these websites existed. I started to cut back looking at p and just focus on cutting back on the amount of times I would do it a day to doing it once a week. The I would try to get to two weeks, and then 3 weeks. Of course I had a few pmo relapses and urges to mo. It was not until the begining of 2016 that I binged on p and I realised enough is enough. I asked God for help through this all and I cried my eyes out saying to my self I cannot do this anymore. I told Satan to get out of me (which you can say is the urge). The Good Year I was starting uni in two weeks, so I was clean for those 2 weeks. I also spoke to my Dad about this and he helped me with some strategies. Once I started Uni (18 years old) things changed, I didn't look back from that point. Of course I would get urges but I could switch them off again. I had motivation, enthusiasm and joy. I trusted God through this situation and got through that barrier. A lot of things happened in 2016 that helped me to focus on what I enjoyed. I felt like a new being and was at peace with everything. I was clean that entire year. No pmo or mo. Then towards the end of the year my parents were struggling with the relationship and the police got involved, but nothing happened. I started to develop a little Ocd because if I looked at a girl and got a tingling sensation, I'd have to go and do a pee to feel better. A bit wierd. That was a testing time for me, but I had no urge to go and look at p. The Tough Year Then 2017 (19 years old) came and I got a job and the begining of the year was very enjoyable. I did not have too many urges and I was clean. The Ocd did start to increase and this was due to me being scared of mo and pmo. I wasn't sure whether I'd finish the degree I was doing as I got an offer for another Uni. That stressed me out massively. My parents were arguing during that year, and the police got involved a second time and this time a court date was issued. Don't worry, there was nothing that was physical. I got myself involved, not on the police side, but between my parents to try and fix things. This was where I became stressed and sad about what was happening, I still did not have the urge. I didn't have much motivation and the Ocd was getting worse, I'd have to repeat things and that also was stressing me out. I was also questioning why I picked the degree I did and I am still questioning it. I didn't do that much other than Uni, work and PlayStation or when my family would go out somewhere. The Ocd was really getting to me and I was not able to be the happy person I was in 2016 and the beginning of 2017. I was still clean. No mo or pmo. The Bad Year Then 2018 (20 years old) came along and my parents were trying to work things. We went for two holidays as a family with my parents and brothers. That didn't change anything between my parents. Then the next court date came along and nothing happened. It still didn't change anything. The OCD was really bad to the point where I was getting rashes. No charges were given months into the year, I was stressing about going back to Uni and the situation at home. I was at home watching TV and decided I'd just look at the woman on TV's behind and I was triggered. After this I went on YouTube to search for inappropriate videos as I did not want to look at p. I was home alone and I saw this yoga video and before I knew it I had my hand on the lemon and I busted one. As soon as that happened I said to my self what have I done. I was feeling weird and strange that I had to stuff up all that progress. Maybe subconsciously because I don't have a gf or never have had one, my mind just snapped and I had to go an look. Also I spend most of my time at home, don't really have any close friends and have been unmotivated to do the things I enjoy out of fear. The same night I just decided stuff it, I'm gonna look at more yoga videos, and that was when I went back to pmo. What I am feeling now From then on it has been a constant struggle since to try and stop the relapses. I had a 2 month abstinence but I then feel back into it. Since the it had been 2-4 week streaks and then I relapse, sometimes up to 11 times in the space of 5 days, and up to 4 times in a day. I would stay up till about 3:30am in the morning some days looking at p and engaging in mo. I have also been experiencing intrusive thoughts during pmo and mo and the Ocd makes things worse. All of a sudden, at the point of O I would have non sexual thoughts of a person and that would really piss me off and make me sad and depressed. This is the cycle I am experiencing. I'd have to keep doing it until the intrusive thoughts stop. The Ocd makes me have to keep doing mo to remove the intrusive thoughts. I also have to end on an mo without the p to feel better. Recently the way I fap and how I do it has also pissed me of and the Ocd has made me have to do it again. I don't want this to get too long as there are a lot of details. I relapsed again yesterday 4 times and my mind wants me to do it again because I didn't end in a certain way, where some spillage occurred while I pmoed in the bathroom and I had to wash the bath mats. It reminded me of when I was younger and I would just fap in the bathroom and I'd unload on the bathroom floor and the bathroom mats. It made me feel terrible. That's why the Ocd is kicking in. The 3 previous ones were in bed and in the toilet. If I watch p that is a little heavy, the Ocd kicks in and I need to watch something less heavy to feel better. I feel like absolute crap right now and I am at war with my brain whether I should do an mo again to neutralize the incident I had on the last one. The reasons why wanted to stop was because I wanted to enjoy what I like doing more and not let pmo and mo get in the way. I wanted to get a girlfriend, and I did not bother when I was clean which I am now looking back and I have made a mistake. I wanted to be able to talk to people without feeling awkward and just be me. Pmo and mo has prevented me from being me, and I experienced what it was like to be me in 2016. I feel like shit about what I did as a teenager, looking at all the p and moing all the time. It's all come back. I didn't even think about what I did as a teenager during 2016. I have messed up catastrophically and I feel I will never be the same again no matter what I do. I have really like me. I used to lie about things as a teenager and was a little boastful at times, and I don't really like to say I am good at things because of this. My head is a mess, I question my existence and why I was born. I try to improve myself but I keep failing. Right now I am battling my mind and the ocd of whether I go and mo again because of the spillage that occurred on my last pmo because I think that I won't be the same. This kind of thinking happened when when I was a young teenager. I have been able to go without it for 2 years, I am struggling so much right now to try and get back to normal. Someone help please. I mentioned in the thread I posted last year, that the year I was 16 was a terrible time for me. The first 3 months of that year were not bad but then things deteriorated to a point where I was below rock bottom. I am reminded of that feeling from time to time. It hurts to even mention it without mentioning it. Maybe this is my punishment. 2 years of good times and now 3 years of pain. Maybe I was given a chance to feel what it was like to be normal again and then my life was destroyed again. I did let it go for those 2 years although the memory of that time would pop up sometimes but I wouldn't let it get to me. I can't change what happened, but I feel like it needs to be changed. I still do wish I could change what happened. I am still disgusted with myself when my brain reminds myself of that time. I am crying out for help. I've seen and spoken to counselors, my youth pastor, psychologists and close friends about this and I still haven't been able to fix myself like I did when I was clean from pmo and mo for 2 years and 2 months. I can't seem to shake it off. To keep it as detailed without going into detail as it could activate other thoughts, everytime I see an image or video of a woman on the internet doing inappropriate things, my mind scans to see if the person has features that remind me of any person I know, and if I then pmo to that person, my mind feels like shit and I need to pmo to someone else that doesn't remind me of them so that the thought of the person is not in my head at the time, and then the cycle continues until it doesn't happen again. I honestly feel like this is engraved into me and I cannot get rid of this. I don't know my purpose or what the meaning of life is. I have lost motivation, excitement or energy for a lot of things. I can't enjoy anything anymore. I haven't had that warm feeling when you are happy in a very long time. Probably the start of 2017 was the last time I was truly happy. Also in day to day life, I have OCD and superstitions where my mind tells me to move an objects or I have to repeat tasks again because I get unconscious thoughts jumping into my head of something bad happening to people I know. Also I seem to get scared of myself as well like I don't trust myself anymore. I feel like shit. Feels like I am a lost cause that can't be saved. I have so much to write and say, I just can't get it all out because my brain feels dead. God if you are reading this, I can't take this anymore. Please get whatever force is within me out and destroy it. Someone please help me. God please help me, I am sorry. I don't know what the heck I am mean't to do. I can't stop my mind when the thoughts come in. No matter how much I try to control the urges, OCD and intrusive thoughts, I still fail and the damaging force prevails.