I am stuck in life. Social dynamics.

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by horny nerd, Mar 27, 2019.

  1. horny nerd

    horny nerd Fapstronaut

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    Help guys I am stuck. I've been doing so many self improvement things such as no PMO, eating garlic every night, going to the gym, meditating, overcoming social anxiety, and some other things and I feel stuck.

    Yesterday I ate a 16mg thc edible. I went out on my bike and listened to music and it was great. I ate 6 hot pockets, ice cream, cereal, rice and chicken. I watched almost all of neon genesis evangelion a second time. I like anime, but I can never really get into it unless I'm stoned. I didn't understand most of it, but I still liked it. I slept early and it was a mostly good day.

    But now I'm kind of stuck wondering what else is there to life. I realized stoned that I worry so much about losing my friends and family, but I also realized if I worry about them they seem to care about me less and if I don't care about them at all then we kind of lose all connection. There's a middle path, but I don't like it. I hate how I'm doomed to walk the same path so many others have went down. There's really nothing special about me.

    A couple of days before this on friday I was high on 8 mg edible. I went with my friends and family to some place where they had food trucks and music. It was great. I felt so loose and open and confident like I was the main character of a show. I noticed my friend who is a female didn't stop showing off to me. She was showing off all her friends on Instagram and snapchat, she was showing off her friends at school. She was doing it very subtly almost as if to make me jealous. I didn't, but the days after I felt pretty bad. until I figured out stoned yesterday that she was doing it to show she is a viable mate for me. She confuses me way too much and I kind of want to stay away from her because I either feel like she is using me as some kind of social tool to get what she wants or she has such a low self esteem and views me as this high value male. Even though I'm not too great. She switches from those two scenarios a lot. She flirts a lot, but I feel like shes just playing with my and her own emotions. I know her family doesn't treat her right and I feel like she's just looking for validation from me. And I can't help but feel bad for her, but I also don't feel good enough to feel bad for her. She seems happy and she's doing what makes her happy I don't think I have the right to judge.

    I'm just kind of stuck. I feel like I'm just a tool for other people. I was feeling bad 2 days ago and instead of my family helping me or asking me why I looked a bit sad they all just avoided me and got mad at me for doing stuff slowly. I feel like I'm just their tool and I have no use if I'm not in my best mood.

    When I'm high I see everything how it is, but it also makes me depressed.

    I have nothing to talk about really except pot and anime and video games. None of my friends who were there Friday knew I was high. I feel like I can't connect with them. They are not into the same stuff I am. They're not into self improvement or anything.

    My friends who do smoke pot I feel they all have psychological problems. I have a friend who I think is most likely a psychopath. He lies about everything big and small and I know he's telling me bullshit and I go along with it. A different friend from middle school came over and we got high with his cousin and they just got quiet and they played games on their phone.

    I'm just all alone and I can't relate to no one. I see right through them. I see they are trying to avoid reality on there phones all day. I see they are showing off because they are insecure. I see they don't really care about me they just want my weed.

    I have one friend I can relate to almost spiritually, but we don't really talk about pot or have anything to talk about except videogames and anime. Also he has a big ego and I just can't do it like he does. I just don't have that confidence he does. Were just not close too much past a little bit more than surface level.

    On pot I'm calm yet I feel like someone will open the locked front door, yet at the same time I don't really care, but also I'm ready to fight. I'm very confused and don't know what to do with all this high knowledge.

    I just want to be close to someone, yet I'm too scared to open up. I want to open up, but I know that if I really do they will be scared off and avoid me. I also have absolutely nothing to do the whole day and I'm just thinking about all this stuff and I don't know how to incorporate it. I don't want to lose them, but I know that we really aren't too close, but at the same time maybe it's fine were not too close, but I also want someone I can be close with that doesn't judge me and doesn't leave me, but that's probably a dream.

    Maybe I shouldn't have watched neon genesis evangelion stoned since it has to do a lot with social dynamics and that might be why I'm thinking so much about all this stuff.

    I also think I should do a free writing like this stoned and see how it comes along and if I gain more knowledge.
     
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  2. Infrasapiens

    Infrasapiens Fapstronaut

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    Maybe it is because you are on drugs.
     
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  3. horny nerd

    horny nerd Fapstronaut

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    Fair point.
     
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  4. Exact Same struggle for me! Man,I don't know how could one escape this endless cycle,I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone
    What Helped me a lot was giving people genuine attention and caring,but not too much of it
    keep everything balanced or you will always be dissapointed of people
    It's hard to find someone who's like you when your thinking is very deep and complicated,when you have passion for the real things but everyone around you are all about superficial empty things
    I feel lonely a lot of times,the only soultion was accepting that lonliness,and turning it into some kind of art,try something new even if you don't have the talent or skill,just try to express yourself through art
    Because What is art?it's something made of all the words and feelings that someone couldn't communicate in a regular conversation,that's what worked for me
    Engage with people,but don't expect them to understand the real you or match your standards,it's hard,but essential
    Accept the lonliness,don't judge it,don't think that there's something wrong with you, it's okay to feel that
    We are fated to be lonely,accepting this existential truth is the only thing that will set you free
    Don't try to escape the emptiness inside of you,and don't try so hard to fill it with something,you need some love,some genuine real conversations with people,you don't have this now, it sucks,but it's okay,just do what you can do and let go of the outcomes,and hopefully something would change
    I always think that when you let go and stop trying to control something it will just come naturally into your life even in the most unexpected times
    Wish I could help you more,but that's what I know,I'm still dealing with this issue
    Btw watch the school of life videos on youtube,it helped me so much to accept myself and my life with all it's dissapointments
    Wish you all the best !
     
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  5. horny nerd

    horny nerd Fapstronaut

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    Yes that balance. I'm trying to reach it, but it seems so difficult. I love art, but I'm not very creative so I don't make any. I just have to accept the harsh truths in life. I see what your saying.
     
  6. Vir Rex

    Vir Rex Fapstronaut

    My self-improvement journey has made me realize that a lot of my friends are stuck in their old ways, doing drugs and trying not to think about the bigger picture too much. Not all of my friends are like this but it feels hard for me to engage with people at times because my mind is so preoccupied about more difficult spiritual matters, like whether the activities I do are pleasing to GOD. I want everything to stay the same, like playing video games and doing drugs, but I also know that there is no going back for me. The best thing to do is to take care of yourself and your family. You'll lose friends over the years but you'll always have yourself and your family to back you up.
     
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  7. It's okay man, seems to me that you are a sensitive yet intelligent person,and this means a constant conflict between your thoughts and feelings
    There is no instant magical solution,You reach balance with time,when I was 17, I was a total mess,19 now ,and I'm much more balanced mentally and emotionaly,even though my life and environment didn't change that much,but I've grown a lot,like my mood is stable and external things doesn't affect me as it used to,and I can handle feeling of lonliness much easier
    Work on yourself,acknowledge your feelings and experience it without judging
    This is important because it will let you stay in touch with your true self and keeps you away from addictions,neglecting your feelings and layering it with shallow stuff will only make everything worse, feeling pain is better than numbing yourself,because you can't selectively numb bad feelings, when you numb pain ,you numb joy, in order to feel joy, you must experience pain,keep that in mind, I learned it the hard way
    Problems like this are part of life,and it will shape your character even though it's depressing now
    Time will solve it and for now try your best to be a stronger person so the problems feel easier to handle
    You got this,stay strong
     
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  8. horny nerd

    horny nerd Fapstronaut

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    What if I don't have my family to back me up? I'm pretty sure my mom would kick me out of the house if she knew about the weed, even though I've been mega high in front of her. I'm just trying to make it through. I need a job to occupy my time, so I don't worry about other things so much.
     
  9. horny nerd

    horny nerd Fapstronaut

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    Yes. I neglected my feelings a lot. I thought a little weed would stop me from feeling too bad, but all it did was intensify it. Weed is a horrible way to try and escape emotions. I tried blocking it with the shallow stuff. All the hotpockets and anime. Before I embarked on this journey it was the PMO. I think I just need a job. I have no real purpose and no goals and desires. Except getting married which is a desire I have, but sometimes I doubt it'll ever happen. I doubt I'll find the right person. My anxiety got way up recently. It wasn't really anxiety more like being pissed off and paranoid. Like I was in survival mode all the time. I'm gonna stop weed for at least two weeks and let myself go back to a more stable state of mind. I have nothing to do right now except anime and videogames and youtube and music. I also like going to the gym, but when I can't go for some reason I get pissed. I just want to go live somewhere where things are easier. If I moved to Asia maybe everyone would think I'm attractive and confident. I need better social skills. I just realized I let conversations die a lot. I should ask more questions and try to keep the string going. I took some downers for my anxiety and I feel in a better state of mind. I feel a bit happy now, but I feel like it's undeserved. I've noticed that my vision and the world around me actually feels clearer since I've been using cannabis for anxiety and bad feelings. I think I'm chronically stressed anxious depressed and unsure about the future and my brain is literally shrinking as a result. I feel dumber than a year ago, but I also feel so capable so I'm not sure. I wish I had more supportive family and friends. They just feel like NPCs who are just there just because. I have these wants/ needs, but realistically it's not gonna improve anytime soon. When I did have lots of supportive friends I pushed them away thinking I was good all alone, but boy was I wrong. Sometimes I think I'm going crazy and I probably am.

    I think I figured out why people don't want to be around me just now. I have friends who smoke weed and they play videogames and anime and I kind of really don't want to talk about weed so much in front of other people so I avoid that conversation, but besides that we don't have much to relate to. I'm so much better interacting with females who are somewhat interested in me, but I always catch feelings that it turns out she doesn't feel the same way. I don't understand them, but I want to be around them and feel that love and attention that I don't get anywhere else. I spend countless hours thinking about how they really feel about me and what I said and shit like that and I just want to stop thinking all that shit. I'm a moody ass fuck who uses drugs to try and escape and it doesn't work and I just want to be accepted so I keep doing them. At least if I'm a stoner at least I have that to talk about and be with other stoners, but I'm really not like them deep inside. I want to have a good life, but I just lose all hope sometimes.
     
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  10. horny nerd

    horny nerd Fapstronaut

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    Sorry for ranting, this is another reason people don't like me. I try and use them as my therapists and ask for advice and shit and noone really wants to hear my bullshit. I've reached this self awareness, but now I don't really have anything to talk about. I've become too crazy. I wish I could forget all this and be ignorant and happy.
     
  11. horny nerd

    horny nerd Fapstronaut

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    I'll do anything for a way out my head.
     
  12. Vir Rex

    Vir Rex Fapstronaut

    It's good to vent out at times. I can't totally understand what you are going through right now, but I want to let you know that I'm rooting for you.

    One of the things that helped deal with my anxiety was cutting out weed and shrooms from my life. It was hard at first but eventually the drugs began affecting how I was when I was sober, which was driving me insane. The problem is when you no longer have weed or vices to distract yourself then one has to confront what they have been running away from. For me, I used to play video games and smoke weed to hide the fact that I didn't know how to use what finite time I have on this Earth for. The infinite amount of ways to live a limited life was quite scary but it became easier once I started praying to GOD and doing what HE thinks is best for me.

    One of the ways to get away from the stoner crowd is try to find hobbies that you enjoy which doesn't include drugs or video games. This could be hiking, role-playing games, reading, going to church and much more. Also sports, like martial arts or marathon running, can develop a sense of camaraderie with people who are living a clean life and wanting to improve themselves.
     
  13. don't feel sorry,we all need help and support
    I feel you man,I really struggled for years from the same problems,our experiences may differ but the root of the problem is the same
    It's the lack of selflove,it makes you needy,craving approval
    Do you love yourself?not in a narcissistic way of course,But like do you appreciate who you are?
    If you don't,then you have to work to achieve this,internally and externally
    You are overthinking,and you know what..don't try to stop it,because you can't
    But try to shift your thinking,think about the qualities that you have,think about what you're good at,think about how you can improve yourself,think about your life like it's a rpg game
    Your problem is:There's so much free time,yet little things to do,and loneliness kicks in,it's very hard,I know it,and it opens the door to overthinking to the point where you feel mentally and emotinally consumed,you are consuming yourself
    I always thought that the only soultion is getting a job,or filling my free time with diffrent activities,I struggled for years
    But I managed to free my mind without doing anything,I just realized that I was a slave to my thoughts,when I could just have let go of it,it's the realization that i'm not my thoughts,my thoughts don't represent who I really am
    It's mindfulness,living without craving,comfortable in my own skin
    You are all what you have,be a good friend to yourself
    You are a good,honest and authentic person
    Don't lose yourself chasing what you think will give you happiness or pleasure
    You will never be satisfied or really fulfilled if you don't like your own company
    I would love to help you more,the problem is english isn't my native language so it's hard for
    Me to express my thoughts in a clear way
    I really really really recommend you watching videos on youtube for chanells like:actuallized.org,school of life
    Trust me,it will help you a looot with the problems you mentioned
    But Please,don't get overwhelmed,don't think that you need to be perfect,it's okay to have insecurities,acknowledge it without judging and work on it with patience,focus on getting better,not perfect
    Much love to you man
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 28, 2019
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  14. It's a complex problem,and I know that you can't but lose hope at times
    But it's just a feeling,feelings come and go
    The truth is everthing is temporary
    We all felt it,we all at some point felt like there's nothing to live for
    But in the end,you overcome all this shit,you heal
    Try to remind youself with some basic thoughts and principles you find useful,and let it be you guide,your manual
    It may seem corny writing it on paper,but when I started doing it my life changed tremendously
    It helped me a lot and reduced my overthinking
     
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  15. horny nerd

    horny nerd Fapstronaut

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    I feel that psychedelics and weed have a way of giving you a whole lot of self awareness and help introspection. I won't overuse weed. I think I won't do it for a while. I'm thinking two weeks or more.

    Yeah I see what your saying about the hobbies. I need some. The only problem is I don't really have a good way of finding people into things like yoyoing or skateboarding so I do it by myself, but I really don't want to do those things alone so I give up trying.

    I like my friends at church, but sometimes they're distant. We don't really organize much outside of church. There's a friend from church who always comes to my house, but I don't really know why because all we do is eat and he talks about stuff like work and it gets kind of routine and boring, but he always comes. I feel like a different person around most of them. I don't talk about weed or anything they would consider bad and it feels bad to not be able to be honest to them all the way. There's a friend at church who I can talk about that kind of stuff and I really don't want to be talking about weed strains at church in front of everybody so I just kind of change the topic, but we don't have much else to talk about. Also I sold him weed at church so that might be the only reason he's around me. He likes to lie and in general be bad and I really don't so I kind of don't want to be around him, but I also don't want to be alone.
     
  16. horny nerd

    horny nerd Fapstronaut

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    I really do love myself. I take care of myself and always try to improve in everything. I've changed a lot. I like where I'm at. I just don't really like the future I see for myself. I don't want to work a boring job like everyone else for the rest of my life. I'll try and figure it out.

    Yeah what you say is very true and I feel in a better state of mind now than yesterday.

    I watched some videos from school of life, but they are so depressing. They make it sound like no matter how hard you try everything in life will go wrong so you shouldn't even try. Also I really don't believe in lots of things psychology and psychiatry teach. Such as gender roles and stuff like that where they say a man can be a woman. Also they act like any sadness after a traumatic event they need to flood your brain with serotonin by pharmaceuticals.
     
  17. horny nerd

    horny nerd Fapstronaut

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    I wrote a reply to you and it didn't post for some reason.
     
  18. Angus McGyver

    Angus McGyver Fapstronaut

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    The main issue here is that you are relying on external tools (in this case drugs) in order to get into a desired mental state and contact with your soul and deeper mind. This is detrimental to your physical and mental health because, when you are stoned/high, you simply clog and block both your physical senses and all genuine contact with your deeper mind which can be done without drugs, it just takes some practice and persistence.
    It is not until you start getting in touch with your infinite mind (subconscious mind) without drugs or external (i.e. material) tools as you really can get relief from self-doubt, worries, anxiety, external circumstances, etc as you then start to acquire and enter a sense of patience, calmness, tranquility, and self-control which don't let any external factors get you out of balance.
    Striving for this kind of subconscious and emotional mastery is amongst the hardest but yet rewarding things you can acquire in life.
    You become a really powerful, influential and strong person by practicing these deeds!
     
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  19. Is The age on your profile your real age?
    If it is,then I'm really impressed by your self awareness
    I can relate to you because I was the same when I was like 16 years old
    Always different,always in my own mind,had a lot of people in my life but never really realted to them
    It's a sense of isolation,it's like you are in a different world,and everything around keeps making you feel the same thing
    I don't know if working on myself,or maybe just getting older,made me more independent and in a deeper connection with myself,which really made me less lonlier,and usual social interactions were enough for me,my need for being heard and approved wasn't there anymore,beacuse I became with a deep connection with my truer self,and actually that's the point where I started truly enjoying life without being needy
    Anyway,everything takes time,be patient with it, it's okay to feel lonely and miserable sometimes especially at teenage years,but it's not for ever
    Most people say that it's the best time of your life and you should be partying and going out a lot and being a cool kid ,and that makes you sad because you're all alone
    Well let me tell you something,that is BULLSHIT
    That age isn't easy espically in today's world ,but the sadness you may feel now will set the road for real happiness and fulfillnent in the future
    It will get better as long as you're working on yourself and staying away from destructive behaviors,just chill and try to enjoy what you have now,don't just focus all the time on the fact that you don't have real friends
    Because trust me ,you will have some good friend,and you will realize it's not as fullfilling as you thought it would be
    You are your best friend ,and the most person you spend time,learn to enjoy life by yourself,don't get lost chasing people because you will realize it's not what you thought
    anyway,your feelings are totally normal, just know that it's not forever and by meditating and really being in touch yourself you can feel free
    Btw I suggest you to stop taking weed for some time,just expirment and see what would change
    Because weed is really a double edge sword
     
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  20. Exactly!
     
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