Help guys I am stuck. I've been doing so many self improvement things such as no PMO, eating garlic every night, going to the gym, meditating, overcoming social anxiety, and some other things and I feel stuck. Yesterday I ate a 16mg thc edible. I went out on my bike and listened to music and it was great. I ate 6 hot pockets, ice cream, cereal, rice and chicken. I watched almost all of neon genesis evangelion a second time. I like anime, but I can never really get into it unless I'm stoned. I didn't understand most of it, but I still liked it. I slept early and it was a mostly good day. But now I'm kind of stuck wondering what else is there to life. I realized stoned that I worry so much about losing my friends and family, but I also realized if I worry about them they seem to care about me less and if I don't care about them at all then we kind of lose all connection. There's a middle path, but I don't like it. I hate how I'm doomed to walk the same path so many others have went down. There's really nothing special about me. A couple of days before this on friday I was high on 8 mg edible. I went with my friends and family to some place where they had food trucks and music. It was great. I felt so loose and open and confident like I was the main character of a show. I noticed my friend who is a female didn't stop showing off to me. She was showing off all her friends on Instagram and snapchat, she was showing off her friends at school. She was doing it very subtly almost as if to make me jealous. I didn't, but the days after I felt pretty bad. until I figured out stoned yesterday that she was doing it to show she is a viable mate for me. She confuses me way too much and I kind of want to stay away from her because I either feel like she is using me as some kind of social tool to get what she wants or she has such a low self esteem and views me as this high value male. Even though I'm not too great. She switches from those two scenarios a lot. She flirts a lot, but I feel like shes just playing with my and her own emotions. I know her family doesn't treat her right and I feel like she's just looking for validation from me. And I can't help but feel bad for her, but I also don't feel good enough to feel bad for her. She seems happy and she's doing what makes her happy I don't think I have the right to judge. I'm just kind of stuck. I feel like I'm just a tool for other people. I was feeling bad 2 days ago and instead of my family helping me or asking me why I looked a bit sad they all just avoided me and got mad at me for doing stuff slowly. I feel like I'm just their tool and I have no use if I'm not in my best mood. When I'm high I see everything how it is, but it also makes me depressed. I have nothing to talk about really except pot and anime and video games. None of my friends who were there Friday knew I was high. I feel like I can't connect with them. They are not into the same stuff I am. They're not into self improvement or anything. My friends who do smoke pot I feel they all have psychological problems. I have a friend who I think is most likely a psychopath. He lies about everything big and small and I know he's telling me bullshit and I go along with it. A different friend from middle school came over and we got high with his cousin and they just got quiet and they played games on their phone. I'm just all alone and I can't relate to no one. I see right through them. I see they are trying to avoid reality on there phones all day. I see they are showing off because they are insecure. I see they don't really care about me they just want my weed. I have one friend I can relate to almost spiritually, but we don't really talk about pot or have anything to talk about except videogames and anime. Also he has a big ego and I just can't do it like he does. I just don't have that confidence he does. Were just not close too much past a little bit more than surface level. On pot I'm calm yet I feel like someone will open the locked front door, yet at the same time I don't really care, but also I'm ready to fight. I'm very confused and don't know what to do with all this high knowledge. I just want to be close to someone, yet I'm too scared to open up. I want to open up, but I know that if I really do they will be scared off and avoid me. I also have absolutely nothing to do the whole day and I'm just thinking about all this stuff and I don't know how to incorporate it. I don't want to lose them, but I know that we really aren't too close, but at the same time maybe it's fine were not too close, but I also want someone I can be close with that doesn't judge me and doesn't leave me, but that's probably a dream. Maybe I shouldn't have watched neon genesis evangelion stoned since it has to do a lot with social dynamics and that might be why I'm thinking so much about all this stuff. I also think I should do a free writing like this stoned and see how it comes along and if I gain more knowledge.