I apparently signed up in 2014

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by fiddler, Dec 21, 2018.

  1. fiddler

    fiddler Fapstronaut

    ...Which tells you a bit about how the last four years have gone...

    I don't think I've gone more than a few weeks without PMO in that time. It shames me to say it. This stuff is evil!

    OK let's get on with it. I married a truly wonderful woman this summer. My career is starting to move cool directions. Have a bachelors degree in Great Books and a second in aerospace engineering. As Jordan Peterson says, you can't really just quit porn to quit porn, you have to quit for the sake of something good that it's blocking. (Or at least I couldn't. I'm sure guys here have.) But the point is, I got places to be, things to do, and I've always considered myself a winner, a survivor, the guy that didn't get the plague that everyone else did.

    Here I am now lock stock and barrel, through my own actions, on a daily basis feeding this shit that makes me weaker and less able to experience the richness of life.

    Well apparently that was OK with me for the last four+ years, but it's not anymore. Never really was.

    I think maybe the thing that pisses me off the most is that I kept myself nearly 100% clean (like I remember when looking straight at a magazine in the checkout aisle was a big deal) for years and years, like when the really hard waiting was going on, when legit sex in marriage wasn't even on the horizon, that whole entire time I absolutely held out.

    And now here I am married with a beautiful, passionate woman who just wants to be desired by me and I have no idea if I'll ever quite feel the way I would about her if I'd never seen another naked boob. God! This stuff was supposed to be sacred, reserved, wonderful, joyful, unafraid and unashamed, and despite the stories I tell myself, it's a little less of every single one of those things.

    One day I let myself get turned on by a music video. I remember that. I sat there - I was at maybe an all time low because my dear, wonderful Grandpa was dying and I had literally just talked to him for the last time. I cried, and tried to write something about him, a proud 21 year old who had almost always had the discipline to basically set my mind to what I had to do and do it.

    I watched that video, head phones on, all systems firing, and I felt things that I had maybe never quite felt like that before, and I remember feeling afterwards like I'd been bit by a snake. Curses on the people that make and facilitate this destruction!

    And that one little snake bite festered, and swole, and before long there were others.

    I remember it - at first I wouldn't think of touching myself and a bit of exposed breast or something tight was exciting. This might sound repressed but I really don't think I was - I wasn't afraid of sex, I knew it was ultimately beautiful and powerful and I couldn't wait to one day feel the power of all of this with my wife.

    Over time it got worse though. The things I used to get turned on by didn't turn me on any more, the alarm bells that used to ring ceased to ring.

    Then I ejaculated. I'd had wet dreams but this was different. It felt so good and so terrible and I was beaten. I knew then I had a hard road ahead.

    I crossed the line onto the "verification required" side of youtube. Soon it didn't surprise me anymore. I saw nipples. Then that was over. The tame little slideshows I started out with practically didn't do anything anymore. It got worse and worse and I knew I was getting in deep, that something I had merely feared before had now happened.

    Anyway, fast forward to the present day. I've battled every day for the past three days. I've edged a lot but I haven't "O'd". I'm tired of this shit. I want to reboot, start to win the battle in a serious way. Put my mind on the things I actually care about.

    I wrote the following letter to myself a few weeks ago. It was the start of something good, but not enough:

    Get ready for the battle of a lifetime.

    Nobody said it would be easy.

    If illicit sexual fantasy feels like the "right" thing to do, that's that much more of a reason to push back, it just shows how much it's already messed you up.

    I don't like doing what other people want just because they want me to.

    Not only CAN you get through to the other side, but in fact there is great stuff waiting there that is only going to happen if you DO get through.

    How much is too much? Any. Remember the standards you had in a highschool. You'll know if you're looking for sex appeal. If you are, stop, or if sex appeal is happening while you're looking for something else, figure out a way to replace that. (Look at the face, not below.) Sex appeal is for your wife, and she's trusted you, and she deserves it.

    Let's start today.

    The only good reason for God to let this happen is to remember his mercy. If you fall, get back up. If you do good, remember that you will ALWAYS need the mercy of God.

    Read this again when you need it.

    <<< End quote.

    Any pointers in the right direction are more than welcome.

    I want to quit and then I want to help other people quit. This is the epidemic of our era. We don't deserve to be exposed to this stuff. It's evil. But we are MEN (and I realize there are strong good Women on here too) and we are badasses, and it is time to defeat it even though we shouldn't have had to in the first place.

    Last edited: Dec 23, 2018
  2. AEC Josh2415

    AEC Josh2415 Fapstronaut

    I want to quit too. I hope I can be helpful. I have hope, and you should, too.
    Trying_to_be_better likes this.
  3. Great thoughts brother. You can’t fight this alone I’m isolation. But we can do it together. For me I had to utilize a porn blocker. It was the best thing I could do for me and my family. I’d be happy to talk further with you and encourage you, brother.

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