I become afraid to have sex with a partner

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by harbinger_21, Nov 27, 2018.

  1. harbinger_21

    harbinger_21 New Fapstronaut

    Hello guys, I'm a brazilian 21 years old and I'm facing this problem for about ~2 years. I will rip my thread in 3 parts:
    1 - My history so far
    2 - My toughts to why I'm having this
    3 - My solutions

    My history so far

    Well, I think that everything started right before I had my first girlfriend in the beginning of 2017. I was a porn addicted (PS: Sometimes I have relapses during this period to now, but I'm currently on my 9th day without seeing porn and my record was 45th. The relapses occurred at times when my responsibilities increased or I was left with nothing to do. Anyway I do not consider myself addicted as I was before, and it's only a matter of time to hit the 90th day. Though I don't intend to go back anymore to pornography) and I when I started to date her, a faced a lot of big questions like: what I want to my life, I want to leave my mark in this world or not?, if I'm in the correct course at university and so on... All this pressure in my mind allied with my addiction and that I can not keep my mind concentrate (turning me nervous) made me fail during sex with her a lot of time.
    She broke up with me after 4 months and her last phrase was: "Don't worry, you will not get laid for a long time". By this I think that was my guilt at all.
    After that I became more concentrate in personal evolution and started to conquer a lot of things in my life: became monitor in a Calculus class for 1 year, started to get better grades, started to love my course, made a great evolution in the gym (this is more recent only managing my food and going all days I can see the results), did a exchange in europe for 3 months and when I had back to brazil became a junior researcher at a important project in my university.
    But, I neglected my sexual life during this period, after my ex I failed with a french woman during my exchange and yesterday (11/26/2018) failed with other woman. This is why I'm here: to face my problem once and for all, because I believe this is the only chain that hold me to my past (sometimes I remember my ex because of this and I have a lot of feelings, rage and doubts about, but is not the case here).

    My toughts to why I'm having this
    My theories is based on my reading about habits (more precisely the book the power of habit). When I failed with the french woman was during condom moment and now as during the blowjob ending. After a deeply analysis, I just realized that in this moments I didn't take from my mind the fear of failing again (I know, I read in a lot of places that you need to relax but is too complicated me most because I have a mind that doesn't stop at all) and to add this up: I fail when the intensity dropped. To make myself clear I made a graph from how I masturbated in the past and another for my sex:
    PS: Think the horizontal vertice in time (min), and the vertical vertice my hardness.
    PS2: Remind that the intensity in the sex is totally different from masturbation.
    PS3: Sorry if the graph is too much, but this is how I see my problem more easily.
    In the photo, you can see that my masturbation take a long period followed by peaks with higher intensity.
    My theory is: When I started to have sex with a woman, I became more nervous about and my brain just come back to a old habit: my masturbation frequency (I think that frequency became my raw reference to excitation). So to me, I THINK that doesn't matter if I conquer 90th days in nofap/nopornography, because when I stay nervous my brain just come to old habits!
    And this happens when the intensity drops (during the blowjob ending and the condom moment) my mind is too nervous that to become hard again, I will need a higher intensity (as in my masturbation) and this doesn't happen (would be strange if I started to masturbate in from of her) and then I fail!
    I think that is what is happen...

    My solutions
    In the book, the solution presented is the same as "don't be nervous": have Faith.
    In the moment I think that I don't have faith at all. I have thinking some ways to solve this:
    - To increase my faith I think to start Visualizations: Visualizating before sleeping every f*** day me doing good in the bed, being more confident with women, being me without this problem (serious, I think that is my only big issue now);
    - To increase my faith too, Start to do Affirmations when I wake up, that I will solve this problem that I will win;
    - Doesn't allow anymore masturbation (At the present, I was letting one day in the week to masturbate without pornography but I don't think this is going to solve).
    A friend offered me the help of a psychologist friend of hers and will in this friday, but I still think that I can solve this (most because I don't have so much money in the moment).

    I want a help related to this, if I'm too crazy or if my words have meaning. If it is possible, recommend reading would great.

    PS4: Sorry for my english, but is not my native language and I'm rushing with the final period of my project and semester in my university.


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    Romans 6 23 likes this.
  2. Romans 6 23

    Romans 6 23 Fapstronaut

    I hope you can overcome this. your story is a powerful testimony to the dangers of porn at a young age and its effects on one's sexuality.

    I just want to say this. 90 days won't magically cure you of your addiction. Also not as much is known about porn addiction/dopamime addiction as say alcohol, tobacco or drug addiction. With that being said I do know enough about the latter addictions from studying and personal experience. I am addicted to nicotin. I haven't smoked a cigarette in almost 6 yeats but i am still addicted. do i crave it? no? does it disgust me now? yes. But what i know from the 37 times I quit smoking was if i stopped for 2 days, 2 months or longee if I had one puff I was right back to my old levels within a few days.

    So I have reason to believe porn addiction is the same way. 90 days is a milestone, but nothing magical about 90 days "sober". You started this at a young age while your brain was still forming so you will probably be addicted to porn for life. Doesn't mean you will keep relapsing but does mean if you reset and use PMO chances are high you will use again and again.

    Not trying to drag you down just don't want you to get your guard down!
  3. harbinger_21

    harbinger_21 New Fapstronaut

    Thanks for the support. I know that 90 isn't a magical number and I know the danger, but seeing my testimony do you think that the problem is most related to porn/masturbation? Do you think that if I keep going on stopping porn and masturbation free (that is my goal) could help me to get over this?
    Romans 6 23 likes this.
  4. Romans 6 23

    Romans 6 23 Fapstronaut

    I'm no expert but I think that is most likely the root cause. You may even want to try taking it slow with a woman. But definitely avoid porn no matter what. we know it messes with our brains. you're on the right track brother!
  5. tiredofdoingthis

    tiredofdoingthis Fapstronaut

    I think for some of us their is an anxiety that comes with sex and performing. The more you worry, the less likely you'll succeed. PMO definitely has made it difficult for me to O with my wife. You may achieve some success if you are able to stay away from PMO. You also have to kind of get out of your head when you are with a woman. It's easier said than done. Keep working. Don't let an experience make you doubt yourself. Focus on building a successful relationship that doesn't start with sex. I think you are likely to succeed there. Obviously, that one wasn't interested in you as a person by saying what she did. That's not the type of person you want to be with anyway.

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