I betrayed myself. Lost all progress. (TW: TS/Sissy)

Lassquwuquwuw

Lassquwuquwuw

Fapstronaut
Trigger warning for ts/femdom stuff.

I had my biggest relapse since years. When i was 14/15 i was heavily addicted to hypno feminazation porn and never really knew much about porn i just went down the whole rabbit hole. At some point i realized how fucked up it was and lost all attraction to that stuff, and started my nofap journey. I never really got that long streaks, and was always beating myself up for it, but i learned and kept going.

But the last few months or basiclly this whole years, ive been STRUGGELING going small steps back to that place, where i once was and it feels like im watching myself go down hill without being able to stop it. And today i binged for hours and only ts stuff and i feel sick to my stomach afterwards, all i did crumbeld so easily. The last week felt like i was in an ignorant bliss with knowing deep inside that i will relapse soon to this stuff.

I got told on this forum that maybe this is who i truly am and that i truly like all this, but then why do i hate myself for what i have done and my life would have been completly diffrent ive i hadnt done these mistakes.

Im just blowing off my steam here. But right now i truly dont know any further, i could just keep on going ranting about how i will change now but honestly i dont know anymore.
 
The exact Same thing happend again, i believe all i did the past years was just compressing These urges and just trying to ignore them instead of facing them. Right now i just dont care about it and just relapse i lack the drive to face this and to do everything to Not relapase and fight this addiction.
 
Hey man,

I believe you don't like this stuff and I get what it feels like to be ashamed of mo'ing to things the cross your personal barriers. There are a lot of guys who deal with this form of escalation. It's important to read pmo addiction recovery material, because if you did, you would not be surprised by your behavior. You would have understood that you're drawn to this stuff because your brain has become desensitized, so it seeks new ways to achieve the dopamine rush it used to get from vanilla porn. It does this by escalating to new content that will couple with a primary emotion like anger, shame, and disgust. I know it seems impossible, but when you relapse, you have to stop the shame cycle as that feeds into the escalation. You're an addict and you're doing what addicts do. None of this proves anything about your sexuality.
 
Way Back said:
Hey man,

I believe you don't like this stuff and I get what it feels like to be ashamed of mo'ing to things the cross your personal barriers. There are a lot of guys who deal with this form of escalation. It's important to read pmo addiction recovery material, because if you did, you would not be surprised by your behavior. You would have understood that you're drawn to this stuff because your brain has become desensitized, so it seeks new ways to achieve the dopamine rush it used to get from vanilla porn. It does this by escalating to new content that will couple with a primary emotion like anger, shame, and disgust. I know it seems impossible, but when you relapse, you have to stop the shame cycle as that feeds into the escalation. You're an addict and you're doing what addicts do. None of this proves anything about your sexuality.
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Yeah i know this already Happend to me once and i just know that im Not really attracted to this stuff, its all porn realated but after a hard relapse it always messes me up.
 
JAWLINE_29 said:
Same situation here, i didnt go too deep because i knew the effects of these things, but i still escalated to porn which goes against my sexuality, im currently dealing with PIED and SOCD. Im 16 years old, check out my thread if you wanna know more. Dude you're 15 you have a plastic brain, which means you can rewire your brain faster and get out of this early. Its all about getting up brother, you got this!
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My age seems wrong on my profile, im 19 now, i think i joined here with 15/16 because of the same problem now again.
 
Lassquwuquwuw said:
Trigger warning for ts/femdom stuff.

I had my biggest relapse since years. When i was 14/15 i was heavily addicted to hypno feminazation porn and never really knew much about porn i just went down the whole rabbit hole. At some point i realized how fucked up it was and lost all attraction to that stuff, and started my nofap journey. I never really got that long streaks, and was always beating myself up for it, but i learned and kept going.

But the last few months or basiclly this whole years, ive been STRUGGELING going small steps back to that place, where i once was and it feels like im watching myself go down hill without being able to stop it. And today i binged for hours and only ts stuff and i feel sick to my stomach afterwards, all i did crumbeld so easily. The last week felt like i was in an ignorant bliss with knowing deep inside that i will relapse soon to this stuff.

I got told on this forum that maybe this is who i truly am and that i truly like all this, but then why do i hate myself for what i have done and my life would have been completly diffrent ive i hadnt done these mistakes.

Im just blowing off my steam here. But right now i truly dont know any further, i could just keep on going ranting about how i will change now but honestly i dont know anymore.
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I am in exactly same situation as you. I had the time when I did stopped it for month's and even a year but now I can't even stop for week without making it more intense. And I know I am going deep into it but having no energy to help myself to stop it. I am struggling with it now. I don't know what to do.
 
Lassquwuquwuw said:
I got told on this forum that maybe this is who i truly am and that i truly like all this, but then why do i hate myself for what i have done and my life would have been completly diffrent ive i hadnt done these mistakes.
Click to expand...
It's preposterous that I have to say this on a forum called "NoFap," but here we are. If you feel bad after binging a certain kind of porn, any kind of porn, you are 100% within your rights to do whatever you believe is necessary to stop viewing that porn.

I do not recommend switching to a different kind of porn. I do not recommend trying to switch to a different kind of attraction. I recommend taking a detox from sex. Addicts are addicts because they used a substance or behavior too much. They used it in place of healthy coping mechanisms for dealing with life. I don't know why some people become addicted, and some people don't. Maybe it's because life for them was harder than average. Maybe they were exposed to an addictive substance or behavior when they were emotionally or psychologically vulnerable, because of age, or because of trauma. Either way we are addicts, and the flavor of our addiction, whether it be drugs, gambling, or sex, does not matter because the point is to carve the cancerous behavior out of our lives and learn better coping mechanisms. So how much more does the flavor of our specific addiction not matter? Blackjack or slots, heroine or meth, sissy or BDSM, it doesn't matter. The only way it does is if it helps you locate the exact psychological hangup you have, so you can figure a better way to handle it.

Abstinence is the first part of recovery, and unfortunately, most of the guys I see coming through here can't manage it. You've got to declare war, do whatever it takes. If you have to throw your devices in the bathtub, do it. If you have to spend all your spare time in a public place, do it. Do it long enough to show your brain that it can go for more than eight weeks without porn and not die. When porn isn't an option, you'll find a better way to deal. That's how it works.

Start small. Clean your room. You might not have control over your life, but you have control over your room. Then you can tell yourself, you might be a pathetic wanker riding the struggle bus through life, but at least your room is clean. And then you can build from there.
 
Meshuga said:
It's preposterous that I have to say this on a forum called "NoFap," but here we are. If you feel bad after binging a certain kind of porn, any kind of porn, you are 100% within your rights to do whatever you believe is necessary to stop viewing that porn.

I do not recommend switching to a different kind of porn. I do not recommend trying to switch to a different kind of attraction. I recommend taking a detox from sex. Addicts are addicts because they used a substance or behavior too much. They used it in place of healthy coping mechanisms for dealing with life. I don't know why some people become addicted, and some people don't. Maybe it's because life for them was harder than average. Maybe they were exposed to an addictive substance or behavior when they were emotionally or psychologically vulnerable, because of age, or because of trauma. Either way we are addicts, and the flavor of our addiction, whether it be drugs, gambling, or sex, does not matter because the point is to carve the cancerous behavior out of our lives and learn better coping mechanisms. So how much more does the flavor of our specific addiction not matter? Blackjack or slots, heroine or meth, sissy or BDSM, it doesn't matter. The only way it does is if it helps you locate the exact psychological hangup you have, so you can figure a better way to handle it.

Abstinence is the first part of recovery, and unfortunately, most of the guys I see coming through here can't manage it. You've got to declare war, do whatever it takes. If you have to throw your devices in the bathtub, do it. If you have to spend all your spare time in a public place, do it. Do it long enough to show your brain that it can go for more than eight weeks without porn and not die. When porn isn't an option, you'll find a better way to deal. That's how it works.

Start small. Clean your room. You might not have control over your life, but you have control over your room. Then you can tell yourself, you might be a pathetic wanker riding the struggle bus through life, but at least your room is clean. And then you can build from there.
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You are right, i relapsed today again. Why? I didnt got much sleep and wantend to avoid work and feel good, did it help? No. I could have prevented it, if i were strong enough to push through. Worst thing is tomorrow is my famiy visting me and instead of preparing everything i was fapping to bs. Im annoyed with this, i dont feel guilt or anything no drive to go to war with myself to finally stop this, but it has to be done. I need to do a 180 right now, but right now im getting to know a girl, what should i do, you say i should do a whole detox of sex. I dont have any friends in this town, i didnt meet her yet and idk if i should cut her off and focus on this detox or keep in contact?
 
Exhuberant said:
I am in exactly same situation as you. I had the time when I did stopped it for month's and even a year but now I can't even stop for week without making it more intense. And I know I am going deep into it but having no energy to help myself to stop it. I am struggling with it now. I don't know what to do.
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I know it to well, watching yourself going downhill without being able to stop it. Right now im so pathetic i could better die, but i could Never do that. So all i can do is get back up. It is possible to quit, we just have to do it.
 
Lassquwuquwuw said:
right now im getting to know a girl, what should i do, you say i should do a whole detox of sex. I dont have any friends in this town, i didnt meet her yet and idk if i should cut her off and focus on this detox or keep in contact?
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I don’t know the full context of this relationship, but if it’s driving toward intimacy, I think the beat policy is to tell her you’re not in a good place to be in a relationship with anyone right now.
 
You could also tell her that you want to take it slow, and that you don’t want to rush it, and you really want to get to know her. That way you’re not being mean to her by ghosting her but you’re also setting clear boundaries with her that you’re not going to go down the path of intimacy.
 
stmos said:
You could also tell her that you want to take it slow, and that you don’t want to rush it, and you really want to get to know her. That way you’re not being mean to her by ghosting her but you’re also setting clear boundaries with her that you’re not going to go down the path of intimacy.
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Yeah this is good. I First planned to met her this weekend, but i just relapsed and now i couldnt Even look her in the eyes. Need to get back on track, and when i feel a Bit more better i will ask her out.
 
Zeso said:
Hey same thing happend to me yesterday after a 20 day streak. Also TS porn. Were both on day 1 right now but we can still turn our ife around. Falling isnt a problem if we can just get back up again.
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Wish i could get to day 20, you did good man. Just feels really hopeless, but giving up is no Option.
 
Idk if it was me or the forum was down. But bad news is i relapsed today really fucking bad at trans porn. I really feel like i cant win against this.
 
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