I broke my record when I thought I had it. Now I'm afraid, please help

Bowder

Fapstronaut
Hey everyone,

It feels weird posting here again. About a week ago I broke a 134 day record.
It was a fairly casual record though, since I did not abstain from masturbation, only porn. But it turns out it wasn't enough and my urges caught up with me.

In the week that followed I lost all self control and dived right back to my old self. I am scared, because when the addiction kicks in, it's like another person takes over.

I talked with a few people anonymously about my issues but all people say is "get help". Hopefully this forum has some more in-depth advice for me.

Basically what started this addiction was a series of bad events. For 1,5 years I was stuck in an abusive relationship and when I finally got out I fell in a life with great insecurities. Financially, personally, career wise. I had no friends and experienced some of the most intense anxiety, fear and stress I had ever felt. On top of that the feelings of being yelled at and dominated in my previous relationship still stuck with me.
So I discovered the world of BDSM and DDLG. I got addicted to take on a dominant role myself caring for submissive types online, taking on a polar opposite persona of myself to kinda forget the world around me.
Of course the second I came back to my senses I hated what I was doing and I tried to take distance again from whomever I was talking with, probably hurting them in the process as well, only to start looking for new people when the urges came back.

I've tried quitting countless times for a couple years now. Sometimes I succeed a month or two, but I always fall back. I won't stop trying, but I am becoming very insecure in my abilities to do so.
On top of that I met this girl several months ago. Quickly she began my reasoning and my confidence. She means the world to me, and I feel things are growing to more than friends. I feel like I'm betraying her as well, and if not for me I want to quit for her.

Please, do you guys have some advice for me? I feel like I'm stuck alone in some sort of void.


Thanks
 
Hey everyone,

It feels weird posting here again. About a week ago I broke a 134 day record.
It was a fairly casual record though, since I did not abstain from masturbation, only porn. But it turns out it wasn't enough and my urges caught up with me.

In the week that followed I lost all self control and dived right back to my old self. I am scared, because when the addiction kicks in, it's like another person takes over.

I talked with a few people anonymously about my issues but all people say is "get help". Hopefully this forum has some more in-depth advice for me.

Basically what started this addiction was a series of bad events. For 1,5 years I was stuck in an abusive relationship and when I finally got out I fell in a life with great insecurities. Financially, personally, career wise. I had no friends and experienced some of the most intense anxiety, fear and stress I had ever felt. On top of that the feelings of being yelled at and dominated in my previous relationship still stuck with me.
So I discovered the world of BDSM and DDLG. I got addicted to take on a dominant role myself caring for submissive types online, taking on a polar opposite persona of myself to kinda forget the world around me.
Of course the second I came back to my senses I hated what I was doing and I tried to take distance again from whomever I was talking with, probably hurting them in the process as well, only to start looking for new people when the urges came back.

I've tried quitting countless times for a couple years now. Sometimes I succeed a month or two, but I always fall back. I won't stop trying, but I am becoming very insecure in my abilities to do so.
On top of that I met this girl several months ago. Quickly she began my reasoning and my confidence. She means the world to me, and I feel things are growing to more than friends. I feel like I'm betraying her as well, and if not for me I want to quit for her.

Please, do you guys have some advice for me? I feel like I'm stuck alone in some sort of void.


Thanks

Theres a few things I want to address here so I'll split it up into chunks.

. First of all I want to say that, even with masturbation, a 134 day streak is still very impressive and you should be proud of yourself for getting that far, its more than most ever get and I'd use this achievement as motivation to go for a similar streak (and beyond) where you go hard mode, ie no PMO at all. It will be hard but I think at this point its fair to say just omitting porn doesnt work for you (I know it doesnt for me no matter how hard I try).

. Secondly, I think NoFap by itself isn't enough to cure a PMO addiction, you also need to commit to finding things that redirect the unspent sexual energy to avoid overwhelming sexual frustration. Any kind of hobby or activity would suffice but I'd recommend something productive (exercise, cooking, reading, learning an instrument/language, meeting new people etc) and also recommend you do more than 1 new thing to ensure your time is often occupied.

. Finally I would also take the time and effort to focus on introspection, really get to the bottom of the why/who/when/where of your problem and in general any issues you have blocking your mind from a natural healthy state. You seem to have already done this to some extent but again NoFap by itself wont be enough to clear your mind of the negativity its obvious still exists within.

I hope you can manage to get back to your long streak and hopefully go beyond, I know how crushing it can be to lose after so many days of success but being depressed about it or beating yourself up wont help. All you can do is pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and commit to not making the same mistake again.
 
Theres a few things I want to address here so I'll split it up into chunks.

. First of all I want to say that, even with masturbation, a 134 day streak is still very impressive and you should be proud of yourself for getting that far, its more than most ever get and I'd use this achievement as motivation to go for a similar streak (and beyond) where you go hard mode, ie no PMO at all. It will be hard but I think at this point its fair to say just omitting porn doesnt work for you (I know it doesnt for me no matter how hard I try).

. Secondly, I think NoFap by itself isn't enough to cure a PMO addiction, you also need to commit to finding things that redirect the unspent sexual energy to avoid overwhelming sexual frustration. Any kind of hobby or activity would suffice but I'd recommend something productive (exercise, cooking, reading, learning an instrument/language, meeting new people etc) and also recommend you do more than 1 new thing to ensure your time is often occupied.

. Finally I would also take the time and effort to focus on introspection, really get to the bottom of the why/who/when/where of your problem and in general any issues you have blocking your mind from a natural healthy state. You seem to have already done this to some extent but again NoFap by itself wont be enough to clear your mind of the negativity its obvious still exists within.

I hope you can manage to get back to your long streak and hopefully go beyond, I know how crushing it can be to lose after so many days of success but being depressed about it or beating yourself up wont help. All you can do is pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and commit to not making the same mistake again.
Hey thanks for your advice! ^^ It's hard to find extra hobbies atm, I won't make it a long story by going into it, but I'll do my best.
 
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