I can’t break free. I don’t know what else to do.

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by GMiester1130, Oct 10, 2019 at 1:25 PM.

  1. GMiester1130

    GMiester1130 Fapstronaut

    So, as of today, I’ve been fighting this addiction for about seven months. I’ve realized what it’s doing to me and I’ve been trying to fight it ever since. I had a great 8 day streak a few weeks ago, and multiple two to three days streaks throughout this time.

    But I find my progress is coming to a screeching halt. I can’t find a solution to access, and I can’t hold myself in for longer than a week. I’ve installed Covenant Eyes, I’ve set up filters on my phone, I’ve been making progress with my spiritual life and coming into a greater relationship with my higher power. I’ve researched and developed personal ways to reduce temptation in my life. But even through all of this, I can’t avoid this.

    I can’t control myself. I get overwhelming urges that I get desperate to fulfill. Whenever I feel secure, that I can finally win this battle and stay on a streak, I always find a way to break out. This time, it was on my phone at school. I had been on a streak for a day and the arousal got too overwhelming, so I went in the bathroom and did my thing. None of anything mattered to me at that moment except gratifying myself.

    I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t find solution that works. I always find a way back for all the work I did to stay away. I know fighting an addiction is all about choice. Well, I make the choice when I say I don’t want to do it, but then when it actually confronts me, I can’t make that choice anymore. I’ve been doing it since I was 13, and I can’t find a way out. I can’t avoid it, no matter what or how I try. I’m literally so angry, frustrated, and upset that I want to to throw my phone against the wall of my quiet college campus. I feel like I’m doing everything I can, and convinced myself of every possible truth to free myself of this addiction, but I can’t do it. I can’t control my hormones. My arousal and attraction to sex is literally what hurts me to be alive. Some day, I want to be dead just so I don’t have to worry it anymore. Sexual attraction has lead me literally nowhere except to disaster and demise, and it is the sole reason why it is a curse for me to be alive. I’m sick of attraction and attachment. I’m sick of fighting these urges, and having no successful way to control them or live with them. I literally want a vasectomy so I never have to deal with touching myself. That’s how desperate I am to free myself of this.

    So, yeah. It’s been a long few months. I’ve never been closer to giving up than now. I can’t beat this, no matter what I try or how. I’ve literally tried everything except sterilizing myself. I don’t know why I should keep trying to fight when I’ll just lose. Whatever. Does anyone understand me at all? Can anyone give some insight? I’d be delighted to read.
    goodnice 2.0 and Ezpz like this.
  2. Quoowahb

    Quoowahb Fapstronaut

    I went to a psychiatric nurse practitioner who specializes in addiction. She prescribed me naltrexone. It is helping. Though I still have to battle boredom, raw feelings, and some urges, it is just a little easier so I'm staying away from PMO.
    GMiester1130 likes this.
  3. Roady

    Roady Fapstronaut

    check out my journal. See signature. It may give you some inspiration how to go further.
    Ezpz likes this.
  4. Ezpz

    Ezpz Fapstronaut

    What i have found is that you have to find your own path and this requires a lot of work. You have to take the time to analyse your habits and thought patterns and you have to know what you need to cut out and what you don't. As you do this your streaks will become longer, eventually you will zig zag your way to success. This takes time and effort.

    Ive found that the most helpful thing for me in my journey (i have managed 1 year+) was to shut down sexual thoughts and urges before they can develop in your mind. Constant self talk over your old thought patterns seem to help with shutting down cravings before they become a problem. As i said this takes effort but it get a lot easier with time abstained.
  5. Toprawman

    Toprawman New Fapstronaut

    I've been going to therapy for about 6 months now one weekly one-hour sessions. My therapist is great. If you have good insurance. Give this a try. It has been working wonders for me.
  6. IbrahimViking

    IbrahimViking Fapstronaut

    Hey. You are making progress. You are doing just fine. Stop fighting it.
    Meditate on the phrase "What I resist, persists".
    You are like a scorpion who stings itself in the back by reminding yourself again and again how you are a fuck up.
    Ask yourself: am I masturbating right now? No? Good! I'm doing good! Yes? Okay, I can stop. Stopped? Good! Didn't stop? OK, ask again in a minute.
    Instead of a streak try the calendar method and look at each month and see every day you didn't jerk off as something great you did.
    There are things that are just impossible. I'd like to address what (I think) is really going on, and if you don't like it, just ignore this section:
    you turned to PMO because you felt bad about yourself, then you turned against PMO, because you felt bad about yourself (you don't like your social life), and now you relapse and feel bad about yourself. This is an important stage in your life, when you will learn that NO amount of action can make up for the source of your problem - you feel bad about who you are. It only gets harder and harder to bully yourself thinking that if you kick yourself just enough, you will beat yourself into feeling better about yourself one day. My apologies for using "yourself" a billion times, but I hope I make sense.
    When you try to "act to counteract" what caused your actions to begin with, you are, like, standing under a tree and punching its leaves to try and make the tree go. That is exhausting, and that is good, because you have exhausted yourself, you are ready to get to the cause. And, believe it or not, the only thing that will help you heal the cause is being kind and generous to yourself, NOW. You (and most people you know) want to feel better, but put that in the future, after some conditions are met, well, guess what. You cannot feel better in the future. You can only feel relief now.
    You can punch the leaves a while longer, but, thankfully, you're about to give up. Good. You've done it. Now address the cause. Write somewhere you can see regularly "I cannot beat myself into liking me, I cannot bully myself into liking me, I cannot abuse myself into liking me, I cannot kick myself into liking me. I can only embrace, hold, love myself into liking me". The reason the people you observe have better social interactions and status is because they are more comfortable with themselves than you are. The reason you want to change, is just because you want to feel better. Don't wait to feel better. Start now.
    From now on, you celebrate each hour you don't PMO, and mark each day you do not PMO in a calendar. Then you see which days you have more - PMO or not, then the next month do one more day, than this month.
    Also, just to be clear, I don't think that sperm retention will make you a superman. I thought I'd just add that to be honest. But something like nofap can be very good for you now, because you turn to yourself and what you can do, rather than looking at what others do to you, that's a crucial step, but you'll progress beyond it.
    What you have been doing is not working for you anymore. Try my approach.
    And remember, that feeling better does not mean feeling good. Sometimes when you are depressed, a feeling of anger will give you relief. It's still not feeling "good", it it's feeling better and IS the way to go. Please, do not start a journey of "feeling good about myself" by kicking yourself for not feeling good about yourself - that's the same as you do now. Just know that whenever you think a thought that gives you a feeling of even a bit of relief, you are doing something right.
    Relief is your compass now.
    I am talking about psychological relief - not physical, even though you may feel more comfortable in your body as a result too.
    Can you give me some thoughts that give you relief now? Maybe "ah fuck it"? Or "right now, in this one moment, I'm OK". Or "I'm OK, I don't need to fix everything this red hot minute, fix all problems and manage all my life right away, I can just take a deep breath, and... oh, look, I feel a bit better"?
    Last edited: Oct 11, 2019 at 3:35 AM
  7. Ronila

    Ronila Fapstronaut

    Do not confuse watching porn for hours to get a high and masturbation.
    First one is a sign on abuse, second one is normal sexual behavior.

    If you combine the two like so many recommend, then you are trying to choke your sexuality and that is not really possible, you will always loose that battle.
    IbrahimViking likes this.
  8. blotter

    blotter Fapstronaut

    I think I have a good understanding of the frustration youre expressing, and I think you answered the crux of your dilemma a few times. Since you referred to a higher power I feel okay in writing this.

    You're right, you can't break free because that would be using the same programming to break itself. I'm not sure if nofap promotes the same concepts or steps as AA, but their advice is to turn your will and life over to the care of a higher power. From my vantage point your attitude with all of this is so obviously ready to surrender, so turn your will and life over.

    Your higher power is always here at all times with no requirement whatsoever to meet it or else it would not be a higher power. So rest in the care of your higher power that is not produced and never comes to an end. This is my heartfelt wish for you.
    IbrahimViking likes this.
  9. goodnice 2.0

    goodnice 2.0 Fapstronaut

    I just slipped up after 8 months. But i can give you some advice especially since i felt same as you: that my sex drive was a curse. i wanted to eliminate it completely

    But actually the good news is that your sex drive can be and is your friend. If you let it control you, you will be a miserable slave and hate your life. But if you control it, harness it and use it in a positive way, it will help you conquer most of your obstacles and feel alpha and confident and will enable you to become your best self. The sad truth is that if you continue with porn and masturbation and let your lust control you, you will not have the most fulfilling life. In fact life will pass you by, you will be unaware and realize all the beautiful moments that you missed, all the wonderful opportunities in your career, with women, friendships, sports, academics. You will descend down to the pit. You know those incels? You become like them. You live a half-life, you become bitter, depressed, suicidal bc you know you are squandering your potential.

    The only real way to live your best life is to leave pmo and have the mindset that you are done with it forever and that it does NOTHING good for you. I’m sure you will reach that point soon, bc i felt like you are feeling now. And soon after i had my breakthrough and realized i would either live or die. Once you reach the breaking point, rock bottom, you may finally realize the urgency and be able to quit. You have to give full commitment to the idea of never pmoing again.

    Finally, pray to God. Put your full trust and faith in Jesus, and know that He can take this burden off of you. Ask him to set you free, get on your knees or get your heart low (humble) and ask him to change your heart and truly give you a desire not to pmo anymore
  10. GMiester1130

    GMiester1130 Fapstronaut

    I’m just sick of my sex drive controlling me, and I don’t know what else should happen to me for my brain to finally get a grip and realize that I should turn away. Side effects, NoFap, pregnancy scares, STD’s, you name it - none of it has given me a turning point. Even in spite of all of this, I still turn back. My sex and emotional drive have done nothing but spur my downfall and yet I’m still asking for more punishment. I want to be able to live in my house, for once, without another storm coming along and destroying it again.
  11. tbird

    tbird Fapstronaut

    Turn you phone OFF and leave it in your room. You don't need it at school. The big problem today is people think they must have their phone with them and enabled at all times.
    goodnice 2.0 likes this.

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