I can’t bring myself to enter the dating world because my inexperience acts as a mental block

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by superstorm250, Sep 17, 2019.

  1. superstorm250

    superstorm250 Fapstronaut

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    I’ve posted on here about being inexperienced awhile back before, but not since I turned 26. I’ve never been in a relationship and I’ve only been on 1 date in my whole life, that’s also the only time I’ve ever kissed a girl and had sex, that happened 4 years ago back in summer 2015. I just can’t bring myself to enter the dating world because I’m completely convinced that its now impossible to find any success there since most girls don’t want to date an inexperienced guy, inexperience is a turn off for them (especially once you’re 25+, I feel like more are willing to look past it when you’re in your early 20’s but it just starts to look weird to them once you’re past 25 and inexperienced). The way I see it going is that I might be able to find someone who’s willing to go out with me, but eventually they’re probably gonna bring up the topic of past relationships and dating history. If I tell them honestly, they’ll get turned off or be surprised at first and then pity me, then a few days later she’ll say its not working out and that she doesn’t want to see me anymore. I see that happening every single time and that being the only outcome at this point.

    I really think that its a catch-22 where you have to already have experience in order to get experience, just like an employer wants you to already have previous experience in order to get a starting level job. My beliefs in this are also backed up by the fact that survey polls have actually been conducted on Match.com users asking them if they would date someone who’s inexperienced and while only 34% of guys said that they wouldn’t date an inexperienced girl, it also showed that 51% of girls wouldn’t date an inexperienced guy. There’s also several videos on YouTube of people asking random girls off the street in crowded public places if they would date an inexperienced guy and most of them say no. I also think girls can pick up on inexperience themselves pretty easily, especially since it’s been said that after a guy has had a decent amount of sexual activity, he exudes a sense of sexuality that most girls will notice and clearly if you’ve hardly ever had sex, you don’t exude that at all and can appear to have no sense of sexuality, which they will then equate to you probably being inexperienced. I just feel like you can’t win at this point, my inexperience will just ruin my dating life at this point if I even attempt to build one.
     
    Jaysmitha, HoneyBoi and LittleMidget like this.
  2. LTLThrowaway93

    LTLThrowaway93 Fapstronaut

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    I'm a 26 year old guy myself who's never been in a committed relationship and never had sex. I'm scared that expressing interest in women will creep them out, and that any positive response I receive is actually them being too creeped out to tell me otherwise.

    I think what we need to do is challenge our assertions. Challenge them first mentally (Will women really dislike my inexperience? If someone is that petty, would I want to be with them to begin with?) And then through trying to meet new people and see how they'll really respond.

    Also, here's a good article by a dating coach I like.

    https://www.doctornerdlove.com/overcoming-your-dating-inexperience/
     
    LittleMidget likes this.

  3. I wanted to comment on your post, if I may.

    I believe that your past experience is not a hinderance whatsoever, believe it or not.

    If you see a woman, in the store for instance, and you want to see if she likes you,
    it's easy. Do these steps exactly:
    1. from wherever you are, look at her and say "hi". Smile. Stand up straight.
    2. If she smiles and says hi back, she's interested. Don't question it.
    3. Now is the time to act. Walk up to her, and get close. You need to be close enough to touch any part
    of her with your elbow.
    4.Then look her in the eye and say, "Did anyone tell you you are attractive today?"

    If she says, "Yes my husband, or Yes, my bf," then say, "He's a lucky guy." Then move on.

    If she says no, she will probably not look at you. She will look away, at the floor, or
    contract her body, hunched inward. This means she wants you to continue. This is a sign of
    female submission.

    5. Now you got her. Say to her, looking at her in the eyes, nice and slow, "I think you are attractive."

    6. She will say thank you. Now lean in and give her a kiss. Not a big sexual tongue kiss,
    but a soft friendly kiss. Don't move fast, go slow, and when the kiss is over, keep your head close to her,
    and give her a little time to adjust to the intensity of this moment.

    If she wants it, sometimes when you linger up close, she will actually kiss you.

    Or if she just stays there, and doesn't try to escape, then kiss her again, with a little more passion.

    This approach is acceptable behavior to meet because you are always willing to let her go.

    Never force her, don't grab her, don't make any sudden moves. Go slow, be deliberate, confident,
    with posture and eye contact.

    After that, tell her what you want. If you want a date, ask her. If you want to make love,
    ask her. Women are notorious for being unpredictable. She might want to bang you out in the car, later on
    at her house, she could suddenly change her mind and leave, or she might be your wife.

    It's that easy.
     
  4. Minsc

    Minsc Fapstronaut

    Thirty seven here. I've had sex three times (with one woman) back when I was thirty one or two. Like you, I've never been in a real serious relationship. Having done the deed I know getting laid is not going to make me feel better.

    It's easy to worry about "what if?" scenarios. As much as I'd like to date, right now until I believe I'm to get to a better place on the PMO front. My mind needs healing so why put myself, and the ladies, through unnecessary misery? An important question to ask, am I looking for a woman to be my foundation and help fix my problems? If yes then that means I have a long way to go.

    Many things have been helping me.

    For one, this forum. The community here has helped me see I'm not alone.

    Another is attending Sexaholics Anonymous meetings. Having other guys I can talk to, face to face, is a big help (for the same reasons as this forum). I do believe being able to take to people in person gives something this forum can not. For me, SA's definition of sobriety clicks. There are other groups like SA which have looser definitions, though they don't seem to be for me. Being a 12-step program it does point toward a "higher power." There are support groups like SMART Recovery which do not focus on a higher power. I have no experience with this group but figured it was worth a mention as I'm sure its format can be of use.

    Letting go of the idea of having sex before I'm married.

    Getting myself out there and learning to generally be more sociable.

    Going to church. I'm still unsure about all the stuff in the bible but there are definitely some good messages to be heard. As an added bonus it's a great place to meet people. I shopped around different churches before settling.

    Oh yeah, ditch this PMO stuff. Go meet people instead.

    Learn and grow.

    Hint: A girlfriend is a poor higher power.

    Worried about dating? It's a good sign I'm not ready to date. Face and let go of the junk in my life (hence SA). Go meet people, interact.

    Find new hobbies. Go meet people. Make friends with men and women.

    Get free of PMO. 90 days, six months?

    Find ways to meet new people and continue learning to better interact.

    Don't worry about getting laid.

    Become a better person. Sooner or later dating will sneak up on me and be a natural thing.
     
    Emileo Delcarme and Hold it in like this.
  5. Jaysmitha

    Jaysmitha New Fapstronaut

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    Same case, 27 here never ever been in a relationship, not even remotely. For me though I’ve been trying to socialize countless times. No luck. Imagine trying to climb a mountain and before you make the first step you get pushed down. It gets to a point one just gives up.
    Next week we got this college dinner that I really want to attend but coz the women I asked aren’t interested, I think I’d just have to stay home . I could go get a date there Bt like I said I tend to get pushed down before my first step. Some would say Hi of course but after that they’d just leave me there. Imagine being in a college “prom” alone not even friends
     
  6. I think being athletic, even if it's not in a formal sport, like

    through running, yoga, martial arts, or weight lifting

    give a man confidence through his physique or physical strength.

    Women dial into this right away.
     
  7. I can relate my dude. And I ruminate in a very similar way. I want to say though that this past April was the worst month I've ever had, going through and working through some really paralyzing personal stuff that left me not just hopeless but terrified of having to live with my own stuff and and my own brain for the rest of my life. I was starting to climb out of this mental cave I'd jumped down by June and ended up chatting with a girl I worked for, also 26 years old. I was feeling real hopeless one night before leaving work and in a snap decision asked this girl to out for coffee. First girl I'd straight up asked out in, jeebus, four or five years now.... I got a big ole nope! Buuuuut by the next week she changed her mind and we ended up hanging out like once a week for a couple months there. I was so low at this time that the last thing on my mind was romance, I really was plenty happy with a friend to get me out the house and out of my own head, and we ended up connecting well as casual friends. A couple nights before I was to move away from the state we were living in, we kind of rolled into getting intimate super naturally and out of nowhere and had some fun together, and it was definitely a bit awkward and all, me having very little experience with any intimate anything... But when it comes down to it this stuff is all very natural, if you just trust yourself and don't get caught up overthinking it all, there are plenty of opportunities out there and you'll be surprised at how easy it can come. And honestly I ended up getting soft on her before we could go the whole way home that night, but I just told her straight out that I didn't have much experience and that I have some hang ups with intimacy and she was super super cool about it. We still text about every other day, she just sent me a gift box today of random stuff in fact, just cause she misses me even though I'm a weirdo virgin that couldn't follow through sexually for her and... I'm really glad I tried cause we still connected and had fun. Most of the time the reality in our heads is so damn far from reality man... When it comes down to it, it's gotta be better to go through some discomfort and embarrassment here and there and actually be trucking along trying to live your life and find love and all that good jazz than to sit in your own doubt and despair until your clock runs out, yeh know? Either path ya take is going to come with a sizable amount of discomfort and straight up pain, so might as well take the path that might end with some good! Just go for it meng, and remember to take life lightly... But take it!
     
  8. Branchman

    Branchman Fapstronaut

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    Why don't you try talking, then knowing, then dating/hanging out with the girls they will hang out with a guy who has experience?
    You'll have to take the risk aproaching to a woman and beeing rejected, it feels hard beeing rejected, but is worse feeling upset beacuse you didn took the risk or try.
    If you want to achieve a goal, you can, but it is better if you take it step by step, is will be very difficult to make something that is a great challenge to you. Try to make little challenges, then in few time you will be able to aproach a girl and talk with her with no problem.
    I don't believe that girls won't date someone who doesn't has experience, i think they say no, because they don't want to be with someone who is insecure. And what girls (and also man) don't like is to be with someone insecure. So just be yourself!
     

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