I can do this?

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Defeatedgirlfriend, May 7, 2018.

  1. Defeatedgirlfriend

    Defeatedgirlfriend Fapstronaut

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    @Bogo Biggins also, I completely agree with the health over wealth thing. I’ve told him that multiple times. I think it’s time to sit down and really really take this thing seriously.

    If he can’t, I think I’m done. I can’t stay with someone who doesn’t want to help themselves or admit what’s wrong.
     
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  2. Bogo Biggins

    Bogo Biggins Fapstronaut

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    I think he wants the HJ as it is in reality the most satisfying thing for him physically, but in his brain he is getting turned on the most by BJs. There is a disconnect between physical reality and the neural connections in his brain that turn him on. The only answer is for him to switch off (or rather dim down, the best analogy is a dimmer switch) those pointless neural connections that are constantly being reinforced by the BJ P.

    P is basically a perversion, in that it actually serves no useful function, but instead is a malicious sexual addiction. Either malicious to the user or to someone else. It really is pointless, and it is pointless for relieving stress as well.

    I think the neural connections that are reinforced by P are a bit like long term memories. We never forget some memories we have from many years ago. Everytime we remember those memories, like picturing them in our mind, they are getting reinforced. P works like this. If I watch some bizarre P, my brain forms a neural connection that forever more associates that particular memory with sexual pleasure; then every time I see it, or something like it, again that neural circuit gets stronger and stronger. Eventually I get addicted to this brain buzz. Eventually it gets to be more sexually meaningful than normal sex with my partner-which is a lot more like hard work, and involves a real person, not just a neural circuit.

    This is how I see it. Every time he uses this P he thinks he is relieving stress, but he is really just reinforcing this malicious sexual neural circuit. The P is 'short circuiting' his sexuality.

    So he has to start by realising what this BJ fixation really is, then he needs to want to break the fixation. The fixation will never go away completely, but over time it will get weaker and weaker, as long as he stays away from p.
     
    Last edited: May 8, 2018
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  3. Defeatedgirlfriend

    Defeatedgirlfriend Fapstronaut

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    @Bogo Biggins Wow, that really makes sense. I might read this to him tonight. Well maybe not tonight.. really don’t want to fight or have a huge conversation since it’s his birthday, today will be a nice day, show him what a great girlfriend I am with what I have planned, haha :) and tomorrow, sit down and really get to the bottom of this addiction! Positive thinking !!!! :)
     
  4. Bogo Biggins

    Bogo Biggins Fapstronaut

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    That's the spirit, I hope this helps both you and him!
     
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  5. phuck-porn!

    phuck-porn! Fapstronaut

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    hi @Defeatedgirlfriend. you got some really good advice from @Bogo Biggins, @TryingHard2Change and the others.

    I just wanted to add a little something to help set realistic expectations. "really getting to the bottom of this addiction" may well take a long time... at best many months if he really digs in. by that I mean figuring out how/why he turns to P - almost certainly this road was paved long ago for him, and he will need to process all that.

    what might be good expectations for this first serious talk is to:
    1) communicate clearly and emotionally how much this hurts you. don't sugar coat it - let him know how you feel. he NEEDS to hear and FEEL that
    2) communicate to him clearly your boundaries: how much you will tolerate. (I'd suggest 0 PMO for 6 months as a goal, then re-evaluate). he will slip up - so you need to decide how much slippage you can tolerate - usually this is based on how much you understand him to be trying. Let him know actions speak MUCH louder than words here.
    3) what you need from him: my suggestions for starting: 100% honesty & participation here
    4) i'd also suggest initiating some sort of daily talks with you. this is NOT a check-up, but rather a means to grow intimacy with you. you will need to work hard to make the talks safe and non-judgmental for him so he will be able to open up. although you to have literally grown up together, I promise you there is a side to him he has never revealed to anyone - and he is deathly afraid if he does to you, you will run away screaming. begin to foster a means of talking about deep things.

    lastly he needs to understand what the consequences are if he blows this off or refuses. I would suggest it be that you are gone. but you need to be willing to really do that. I know that's scary to say.

    for the first talk that seems like plenty to me. there's LOTS more he needs to know and do. but the first order of business is for him to understand he stands a very real chance of loosing you if he doesn't start taking this seriously. if all goes well with that, then later you can discuss Accountability Partners, counseling, rebooting and the rest.

    this is all just my opinion. would love to hear @AnonymousAnnaXOXO's opinion and anyone else's. btw - if you haven't read her journal... you really should. I think you will relate well with her, and she has great stuff to say :)
     
  6. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    @phuck-porn! I agree with everything you said. Yes, actions speak much louder than words! Do let him know how deeply this hurts you. Definitely set boundaries. Daily talks are great! Not just check ins, but real conversation that enhances intimacy. Like the best thing that happened that day and the worst thing so you each can be proud of accomplishments and both be there as emotional support if there was stress or something bad happened. 100% is a must, and being active and engaged in recovery has to be present.
     
  7. Defeatedgirlfriend

    Defeatedgirlfriend Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for this, in all honesty, this has been an ongoing problem for 5 years now. He found nofap about 2 or 3 years ago, but has never taken it seriously. Does it for a week, and then gives up. This isn’t new dance for me, I’ve danced this dance for years now.

    He has finally decided to take this seriously about 2 months ago, when every other idea about what was “wrong” with him didn’t work. He often still thinks something else might be the problem, but he tries to stick to nofap even when he thinks that.

    You are right, I think he needs to hear the raw truth from me. I try and tell him, but he often gets mad and says this isn’t his fault. He can’t help it. He doesn’t want to hurt me.

    It’s very hard, I am going to show him all this tomorrow I think. Everything everyone has said, and maybe he will finally understand more. I realize this will be awhile until he will get over this, I’m willing to do this with him. I just need him to fully invest in this and fully invest in me. I’m sick of being tossed aside, and not taken seriously. I’m not crazy for thinking this way. Any other girl would feel the same.

    He needs to realize even if I leave, he won’t have any other lasting, meaningful relationship with this addiction. The next girl will leave too, probably won’t deal with this as long as I have. I’m so good to him, he needs to see that. He takes me for granted...
     
  8. Defeatedgirlfriend

    Defeatedgirlfriend Fapstronaut

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    I will take everyone’s advice! Thank you all for YOUR support. It’s so nice to be in a community of people all going through the same thing and seeing that people can recover from this.
     
  9. phuck-porn!

    phuck-porn! Fapstronaut

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    in a real sense he's not wrong... Almost for sure there is something else that is the root problem. Pmo is exactly like alcohol or any other chemical that works really well as a coping mechanism... It really does numb the brain and make the world go away for a while. So with time he'll need to find that... BUT in the meantime he HAS to quit the coping (pmo) and detox and begin to clear his head. Even from weekly use (which I honestly doubt, but I hope you're right).

    Then he can begin the real journey of making peace with the pain and learning how to cope in a healthy way.

    I wish you great success in your conversation. i have a good clue you're an amazing woman. I hope it goes well.
     
  10. Defeatedgirlfriend

    Defeatedgirlfriend Fapstronaut

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    Sorry if this post is so long. Just everything is so bottled up inside me! Yesterday was pretty hard.

    Trigger warning for the whole post***

    It was his birthday, so I decided to try and let things go for a day because I didn’t want to ruin his day. I’m big for birthdays and holidays!

    I made him a meal and baked him birthday cookies and lit some candles in the basement, so when he got home from work we could relax and watch a movie or something.

    He came home, and I could tell something was off. He sat down beside me and thanked me for everything. And then told me he wanted to “do shit” for hours. Which is basically wet hj’s, bj’s and teasing.

    We talked about this a couple weeks or months ago, about how this is basically real life porn. Since it’s not making love and it’s just a different high. It’s damaging like p, and makes us both feel like shit. I feel used and he feels the same after like he looked at p.

    Everytime he brings up doing shit, I get offended right away, and want to talk about it, and it ruins the session we will be doing anyway. So yesterday, when he brought it up, I just agreed.

    The whole time, he could tell I wasn’t into it. I didn’t want him to pleasure me, I barely looked at him. He asked me once before if I was okay, and I told him no, but we can’t talk about it cause it’s his birthday.

    He asked me to do all the things we talked about not doing, wet hj, grabbing my throat, more, but don’t want to go into too much detail, basically just all the stuff that gives him the biggest high. No sex.. because it’s my time of the month, but also I think because he didn’t want to have slow meaningful sex, he just wanted a high.

    Also, another thing I noticed, is that during the session, he kept telling me how sexy I am, and I’m so beautiful, and he loves me so much. He hasn’t told me any of that since the month of doing nofap straight. It made me want to cry, because why can’t he just say that when we aren’t being intimate?

    After the session, he got up, walked around the room and had to slow down his breathing because it was so intense. He told me he was stressed out all day at work. He said he wanted to do shit because he didn’t want to look at p.

    I sat in the bed waiting to be cuddled and trying not to cry. After 35 minutes of walking around and doing who knows what, he finally laid down beside me and cuddled me like crazy. He said “I know you probably are super built up with a whole bunch of things to say, but I just need to relax and not get stressed out. When I get stressed, I want to look at p and I don’t want to do that.”

    He also asked me if what I have to say is just going to be telling him everything I’m doing wrong. So basically, I guess I will have to bottle everything up until the weekend?

    I just feel so shitty, I just want to feel loved by my partner. I want to feel beautiful. I want to feel like my feelings matter. My opinion matters.

    I know he’s just trying to do this himself in his own ways. Doing shit with me is better than looking at p in his mind. Not talking about things that are going wrong equals no stressful fights for him in his mind. So I get it, but i matter too. I don’t want to stress the guy out. But I can’t keep everything bottled in!!

    I just wish we could talk about all this, make a game plan together, and get working on this. I want to be there for him. I want to help him. I hate seeing him feeling so shitty. And I hate feeling like this too.

    I just have so much anxiety too, and I feel like he isn’t being honest with me. But maybe that’s because I don’t trust him since he lied to me 2 weeks ago. Maybe it’s because I don’t feel close to him right now. I don’t know, I’m trapped in my brain and I’m spiraling down a black hole..
     
  11. Defeatedgirlfriend

    Defeatedgirlfriend Fapstronaut

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    Also want to add, this anxiety that I have isn’t all his fault. Grieving over this miscarriage, unemployed and can’t find a job, in tons of debt, worried about my relationship, just a never ending amount of stress right now..
     
  12. Bogo Biggins

    Bogo Biggins Fapstronaut

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    Oh my. I feel for you, I really do. He has no idea what a relationship should be at all. You are not his wank rag. Christ.
     
  13. Bogo Biggins

    Bogo Biggins Fapstronaut

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    You need a change. You have to think seriously about your life and long term goals. Do you have close family you can turn to for help?
     
  14. Defeatedgirlfriend

    Defeatedgirlfriend Fapstronaut

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    No, I don’t. My family is super judgemental, and anytime I mention an issue, they get way too involved. Aren’t supportive of anything I do. Friends have trickled away due to everyone finding different things in life. I’m in a dangerous place where it feels like he’s the only one I have to talk to.

    I know I need more people, I know I need to find work, I know I need a change. I just don’t know how to do it.
     
  15. Defeatedgirlfriend

    Defeatedgirlfriend Fapstronaut

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    I also feel like I shouldn’t be sharing all this on here. Even though it’s anonymous, I feel like it’s so rude. I don’t know, I feel like my brain is just so messed up right now. I’m in such a dark place.

    I want to read all of this to him, and just see what he says. See if he gets it. But I don’t want him to feel attacked.. oh, I’m just so tired..
     
  16. You have this NoFap community .. NoFap is filled with hurting people, going through their own trials and difficulties, but we are all here helping each other / listening to each other / offering real-world, practical advice / providing great pointers to resources to read and consume and learn from.

    You are not alone.
     
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  17. Defeatedgirlfriend

    Defeatedgirlfriend Fapstronaut

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    Thank you @TryingHard2Change That’s true. Ever since I’ve started pouring my heart out on this forum, I actually don’t feel soooo alone.
     
  18. Defeatedgirlfriend

    Defeatedgirlfriend Fapstronaut

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    So on a good note, he asked if he could stop by and grab some stuff of his. I asked if he wanted to stay, and he said “well, I really wanted to meditate and really relax” I responded with “oh” since I was having a bad day.

    I was wondering why he didn’t want to stay and hang out, knowing I had a bad day. He texted me that he was outside waiting, and I got his stuff and went outside. He was waiting with a slurpee (my favourite drink in the world haha) and some food, and hugged me and said he was sorry. He said he was only going home and not wanting to talk yet because he is really trying hard to relax and not stress himself out, so he doesn’t look at porn.

    So in a way, it sucks that he can’t talk, but i understand. If stress is what makes him relapse, he does need to avoid it. He said we will talk on the weekend when he isn’t working (work is a long 11 hour day and since he has social anxiety, it really stresses him out)

    He is working on this. I can see that. He just needs time. We will talk about it more later on, but right now it’s nice seeing him trying.

    I snooped on his laptop today, and saw that he downloaded a bunch of meditation stuff, and he didn’t have anything suspicious. So I’m going to believe him, especially since he’s trying to be really there for me, while also not trying to stress himself out.

    One step at a time.
     
  19. Bogo Biggins

    Bogo Biggins Fapstronaut

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    You need a change. You have to think seriously about your life and long term goals. Do you have close family you can turn to for
    This does sound positive. However I still urge caution. Certainly if another episode develops where he just wants to use you for his very basic 'needs' I think you have to learn to say 'no'. You had put a lot of effort into his birthday, and he just effectively threw it back at you. To him sex at the moment is just like going to the bathroom. That is all it is. He has to change radically, or you have to walk away.

    The problem you have is that you are at a very big low. You should consider some form of women's help group, counselling group as well. There are good people in this world, not everyone is a git.

    Do not feel bad about opening up anonymously on here. If it makes you feel better in yourself this is a good thing.
     
  20. Defeatedgirlfriend

    Defeatedgirlfriend Fapstronaut

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    Time to update, since I thought all was going well the past two weeks or so.

    Well, after the last big fight, we talked on the phone and I thought we had an awesome talk. We decided that we would have more sex and stuff for the first little bit of this reboot so maybe his urges wouldn’t be so hard. We made a solid plan, and I was hopeful.

    I talked to him about how I want to be more supportive - though if I’m being honest I’ve talked about this many times and have still freaked out too much when he tells me he looked at porn. I guess I freaked on him one too many times because he’s been lying to me again the past two weeks.

    His addiction used to be once a week maybe less, well he told me for the past two weeks he’s looked at it maybe 20 times. We only had sex 3 times the past two weeks and I needed to initiate it!!!

    The last time we did, we had to stop during it cause it was so bad for him. He lied and said that he just wasn’t horny, and I was super there and supportive and told him it was okay while I massaged him!!

    He brought up a sex toy he wanted to use with me randomly this week too, and it seemed odd since he was against it before, well I asked about it and of course, he saw it in porn so he wanted to try it with me.

    I’m sick of being used.

    Fuck, I get lying to a point, but doing it the amount he was doing it is not okay. He said he binged and he knows it was wrong, but he was so exhausted from me getting angry with him.

    I feel betrayed, disgusted, hearbtroken, hurt, angry, deceived and all that doesn’t matter to him I feel. What am I doing anymore?
     

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