I can't live this way much longer.

LastVestigeOfOldJoy

LastVestigeOfOldJoy

Fapstronaut
I've been incredibly lonely for most of my life. I have no family, no friends. I had a girl I loved but it didn't work out. I cannot easily go out and meet new people, nor do I really want to anymore. People are too unreliable and tricky. I cannot be emotionally dependent on another person ever again.

Yet I despise being lonely. Everything feels so pointless. I work to make money to pay bills and buy food that will enable me to work another day. I lost enjoyment of most of my hobbies and stuff over the tears. I've long felt like happiness is only real when shared. The idea that when I die, the only people who will notice are my landlord and employer really bothers me. This will only grow more difficult as I get older. I cannot spend the rest of my life like this. I will go insane, I already feel like I'm losing it.

I need to find some reason to keep doing this shit or I'm going to have to check out. Suicide has been on my mind a lot. It just seems so easy, and I often feel like whatever comes next cannot be worse than enduring the rest of my life in this state.

Obviously, I know suicide isn't actually the answer, but neither is sitting in this shithole until I die alone after many more miserable years. Yet there are parts of me I cannot change that act as a huge barrier to actually fixing my problems and forming healthy relationships with people.
 
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What is it that you want? Are you clear about this?
Meeting new people can ease the pain of loneliness. But can you actually meet someone openly if you think they are unreliable and you must not depend on them?
I know people, who can perfectly explain why nothing works for them - so they never try something.

It is not the most important thing whether you go out and meet new people or whether you stay in your comfort zone (which seems not so comfortable anymore). The most important thing is finding out what it is that you actually want to do and acting on that. Sometimes making a mistake is better than not doing anything at all.

Making a mistake - feeling alive again! What a great mistake I made! I would love to make it again.
 
Serendipity2 said:
What is it that you want? Are you clear about this?
Meeting new people can ease the pain of loneliness. But can you actually meet someone openly if you think they are unreliable and you must not depend on them?
I know people, who can perfectly explain why nothing works for them - so they never try something.

It is not the most important thing whether you go out and meet new people or whether you stay in your comfort zone (which seems not so comfortable anymore). The most important thing is finding out what it is that you actually want to do and acting on that. Sometimes making a mistake is better than not doing anything at all.

Making a mistake - feeling alive again! What a great mistake I made! I would love to make it again.
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I am not super clear on what exactly I want. I know what I've idealized as my perfect endgame life, a few friends who want me around and who I would like to be around, and secondarily, a romantic partner and maybe a family. There are several obstacles to that goal. Some are easily dealt with and I've already conquered a few hills. Others are more complicated. I have great difficulty in interpersonal interaction with the majority of people related to anxiety and autism. It is very rare that I meet someone who I can connect with in spite of all of that. When I do become close to someone, I get really clingy and terrified of losing that connection. They become my whole world. Obviously, this is not healthy, and no healthy person wants a friend or romantic partner who acts like that. The kind of people that do tolerate or even prefer these kinds of things tend to have issues of their own. There are no healthy codependent relationships, and if you struggle to be happy on your own, you aren't relationship material yet. At least that has been my experience.

When I said people are inherently unreliable, it isn't because they don't have good intentions. Everyone is just busy with their own complicated lives. There is also an inherent level of dishonesty that, while I recognize isn't morally wrong and probably even required to have a functional society. Most people seem to accept the concept of a "white lie" or "noble lie" as normal whereas I've had difficulty doing that for as long as I can remember.

Basically, if I want to have positive relationships, that relationship cannot be the center of my world. I am not my own center of my world as seems to be the case for many people, so what else is there? Money is only valuable to me as far as it enables me to have the other things I want. I've tried to get into religion very hard, both seeking answers and attempting to meet new (hopefully) normal people.

It seems other people are so busy enjoying life that they never even ask for a reason. I'd like that, but I don't know how to get there.
 
There is a difference between wanting to have something and wanting to go the way to get it.
Most people, who smoke, would love to be non-smokers but they don't love the way of becoming a non-smoker.
So, think of your goal as an activity: What is it that you want to do? And not what you imagine would be nice to have. It is always the way that is most important. If you like MAKING money then the journey in itself will be enjoyable. If you would just like to HAVE money, the journey might be full of misery and even if you succeed, you might not be happy.

It seems other people are so busy enjoying life that they never even ask for a reason. I'd like that, but I don't know how to get there.
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Children play without a reason. As adults, most of us lost that skill. It is not even a skill, it is our nature. Playing essentially means to do what we enjoy doing. How do we do that? Start with something. Doesn't matter how small it is. You feel like jumping up the stairs? For those few seconds you will be in the same state like the children playing. Trust your inner voice. When there is resistance, investigate it. What are you afraid of? Does this fear serve you? Small steps are the key.
 
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