I chose to be lonely

[HereAndThere]

When i was a kid i had bad relationship with my parents. It made me close up, not trust people. No one is to blame really, but even if i could legitimately blame someone that wouldn't solve the issue. Later i rationalized my reaction by painting all people as bad, evil and untrustworthy. I made my life choices based on those beliefs. It fucked me up real good.

I talked today to someone who confronted those distorted beliefs of mine by saying that not all people are bad and dont care about me. I heard that cliche before but this time it somehow actually got thru to me. It hit me like a bag of bricks. I knew rationally that it has to statistically be true but this time it also felt like its truth. It hurts so much that i now dont have no one in my life to trust and that i could of had if i just made better choices, that i cant escape blame by blaming others. I mean i can, but it seems stupid now when i know that just continues the evil cycle, that it just makes things worse.

I hope this is the pain that forces me to make changes.

I just realized that this problem might not be directly related to rebooting but it did make my relationship with women practically impossible. Even meaningless sex becomes scarce without developed social skills. My issues with PM are probably not my biggest problem, but it is a problem that gets fed by this one.

Phew, today is a hard day.

 

[Deleted Account]

When i was a kid i had bad relationship with my parents. It made me close up, not trust people. No one is to blame really, but even if i could legitimately blame someone that wouldn't solve the issue. Later i rationalized my reaction by painting all people as bad, evil and untrustworthy. I made my life choices based on those beliefs. It fucked me up real good.

I talked today to someone who confronted those distorted beliefs of mine by saying that not all people are bad and dont care about me. I heard that cliche before but this time it somehow actually got thru to me. It hit me like a bag of bricks. I knew rationally that it has to statistically be true but this time it also felt like its truth. It hurts so much that i now dont have no one in my life to trust and that i could of had if i just made better choices, that i cant escape blame by blaming others. I mean i can, but it seems stupid now when i know that just continues the evil cycle, that it just makes things worse.

I hope this is the pain that forces me to make changes.

I just realized that this problem might not be directly related to rebooting but it did make my relationship with women practically impossible. Even meaningless sex becomes scarce without developed social skills. My issues with PM are probably not my biggest problem, but it is a problem that gets fed by this one.

Phew, today is a hard day.

I have the same problem. The only people I can trust are my parents.

I know all people aren’t bad or evil, but I simply don’t wanna take risks in choosing the wrong people to let in my circle. Especially at this age i just stay away. People are too untrustworthy and snakeish.

I feel like the best solution is to have your own back and don’t be afraid to talk to people and interact with them on the surface. Just be cautious when letting someone in on a deeper level. Make sure it’s the right person/people

 

[gamerball77]

@HereAndThere @that one guy Hay guys, I can understand that feeling of not trusting people. At the age of 41 Only about 10% of people I have known have turned out to be real friends and have had my back when needed.

That might not sound a lot but look at it this way. Finding good people is like gold panning. You dip your dish into the stream, you pull it back out to find it's full of crap. Next you have to wade through the crap in search of the little gold nuggets. Once you find one or two nuggets you're so delighted you don't care about all the crap. The crap just gets thrown away because the gold is of much more value.

I've had more than my fair share of being back stabbed, cheated on, abandoned, lied about, judged unfairly. but you know what, it only made me stronger. None of them have killed me off, I'm still here and still going. but I have pick up good people along the way so the risk and crap is worth it.

Don't let fear hold you back from living your life, and it's never too late to start living. You take a chance and eventually you will find people who will stick by you. You will also become more experienced with people the more you deal with them, then all crap ones wont matter so much.

 

[Light of Freyja]

You enjoy the comfort of predictability. You fear risk and use morality to justify insecurity, and if you ask my opinion, it's a sign of weakness. You need people to survive, might as well get to know them.

 

[Deleted Account]

@HereAndThere @that one guy Hay guys, I can understand that feeling of not trusting people. At the age of 41 Only about 10% of people I have known have turned out to be real friends and have had my back when needed.

That might not sound a lot but look at it this way. Finding good people is like gold panning. You dip your dish into the stream, you pull it back out to find it's full of crap. Next you have to wade through the crap in search of the little gold nuggets. Once you find one or two nuggets you're so delighted you don't care about all the crap. The crap just gets thrown away because the gold is of much more value.

I've had more than my fair share of being back stabbed, cheated on, abandoned, lied about, judged unfairly. but you know what, it only made me stronger. None of them have killed me off, I'm still here and still going. but I have pick up good people along the way so the risk and crap is worth it.

Don't let fear hold you back from living your life, and it's never too late to start living. You take a chance and eventually you will find people who will stick by you. You will also become more experienced with people the more you deal with them, then all crap ones wont matter so much.

Very true

 

[Deleted Account]

I have the same problem man. Trust issues. I think it is not wrong to be alone. Make small meaningful changes like giving time to your close friend. Helping others that you didn't know. Just give them a hand for no reason. But don't jump to getting as many friends as you can. I have lost myself because of that. I have become the nice guy type. I hate it because I had many loose relationship with others and it also affects how I treat my close friends. And now I am starting over again. Hahaha. Make changes, but be mindful with them.

 

[HereAndThere]

Once you find one or two nuggets you're so delighted you don't care about all the crap. The crap just gets thrown away because the gold is of much more value.

I agree, it works like that. I had periods in my life when i was at least close to that mindset.

Don't let fear hold you back from living your life, and it's never too late to start living. You take a chance and eventually you will find people who will stick by you. You will also become more experienced with people the more you deal with them, then all crap ones wont matter so much.

Thats just good advice, thank you.

 

[HereAndThere]

You enjoy the comfort of predictability. You fear risk and use morality to justify insecurity, and if you ask my opinion, it's a sign of weakness. You need people to survive, might as well get to know them.

There is something about men and handling weakness or signs of it. Reminds me of Marty from Back to the Future movies, how overreacting to being called chicken almost destroyed his life. On the other hand, risk also needs to be handled and usually the best way to handle it is not to avoid it. Could you expand on using morality as justification? I have an idea on how that might happen but it would help me alot if you can explain.

 

[Light of Freyja]

By labeling others as bad or evil you set yourself up as being the ideal of good when in reality you are limiting your possible strategies of dealing with a particular circumstance. Sometimes people are just confused because they do not understand themselves and thus others.

Instead of using the false dichotomy of good and bad or right and wrong, try adopting the mindset of honor. Use the experiences of others to develop strength in yourself. We are all infinitely malleable in the ways which we deal with problems, only we get stuck in particular patterns.

 

[HereAndThere]

By labeling others as bad or evil you set yourself up as being the ideal of good when in reality you are limiting your possible strategies of dealing with a particular circumstance.

I agree, that locks my perspective and it paralyses me at the very least. I still struggle to adapt to state of no good or evil. My confidence in the world depended on finding good in it. Thats an interesting view of morality. It implies that our sense of morality should depend on how much it helps us with dealing with a particular circumstance. I think thats reasonable but i dont think that is what most people describe moral.

Instead of using the false dichotomy of good and bad or right and wrong, try adopting the mindset of honor.

Whats your definition of honor? To me it is more or less same as morality. Historically honor was a marker of social status, usually involving pronounced resistance to change which contradicts your suggestion to adapt to circumstances. To me, that exactly is the best thing about honor: unconditional adherence to internal rules. But by itself it does not help one bit in figuring out what those rules should be.

 

[SomeRandomNatty]

I was an introvert all my life. No girlfriends, not going out much with friends. And I was unhappy. I changed my life and now I have a girlfriend and a big social life but I'm still unhappy. They're all annoying and I don't like them. I thought they were good for me and make me happy but they don't. I just want to be left alone again to find my peace, silence and privacy. I wonder what happens when I leave them? Will I regret it? Will I finally be happy? Should I be alone or should I replace them with people I like more?

 

[Light of Freyja]

Whats your definition of honor? To me it is more or less same as morality. Historically honor was a marker of social status, usually involving pronounced resistance to change which contradicts your suggestion to adapt to circumstances. To me, that exactly is the best thing about honor: unconditional adherence to internal rules. But by itself it does not help one bit in figuring out what those rules should be.

You see, there is no definition of honor. It is up to you to decide what is honorable or what isn't. It isn't black and white where killing and stealing is wrong. This isn't some religious adherence to doctrine or dogma. It's about overcoming obstacles in your path and not being oppressed by them. If you have no fangs then your compassion will feel forced because people will feel your submission by default. It then becomes a chore rather than an expression of your inner being.

 

[Light of Freyja]

I was an introvert all my life. No girlfriends, not going out much with friends. And I was unhappy. I changed my life and now I have a girlfriend and a big social life but I'm still unhappy. They're all annoying and I don't like them. I thought they were good for me and make me happy but they don't. I just want to be left alone again to find my peace, silence and privacy. I wonder what happens when I leave them? Will I regret it? Will I finally be happy? Should I be alone or should I replace them with people I like more?

I don't know your friends but peace does not exist in the natural world. You're looking for a golden goose.

 

[WabNabChi]

Nah, Human beings are disgusting worthless sheep, whether you see it or not, we are always doing something wrong.

 

[HereAndThere]

It is up to you to decide what is honorable or what isn't. It isn't black and white where killing and stealing is wrong.

Essentially yes. Like morality, honor is what we make of it. It could be said that "we" are society, that there is some consensus on morality. But when you think about it societies image of morality is fractured, fluid and murky.

It's about overcoming obstacles in your path and not being oppressed by them.

I dont know whats my path. I guess it would be to move towards "good". Morality and honor dont provide a clear description of good. My internal image of good is also limited. I dont know if moving away from people or not is "good", if that word means anything by this point.

If you have no fangs then your compassion will feel forced because people will feel your submission by default. It then becomes a chore rather than an expression of your inner being.

We cant make value statements like this without definition of right and wrong. This implies that not forcing compassion and expression of our inner being is "good". Im not sure of that.