I Did Something Last Year That is Tearing Me Apart

I'm new here so first off let me start by saying hi and apologies for the length of my first post, but I am really struggling and would greatly appreciate it if you could all read it and offer some advice. I have suffered from porn and masturbation addiction for years now. In terms of my porn use, I have been watching it non stop since I was about 13, I finally reached that 'Okay I'm bored by this regular vanilla stuff now, I need something stronger', stage when I was about 16 and started watching transsexual and on some occasions gay porn, because it was so taboo and different. Thought I'd should let you guys know that in case it's anyway related to what I did. I don't even know if this is the right place to put this thread, if it's not then I'll ask a mod to place it in a more suitable category.

Okay here it goes...

I suffer from POCD (pedophile ocd), HOCD (harm, not homosexual. Although I did suffer from that years ago) and real event OCD (you feel extreme guilt for things that you have done, no matter how trivial they may seem). I overthink, analyze and obsess over practically everything. The smallest things can make me feel extreme guilt and shame, however there is something that I did last year that is tearing me apart inside and I just don't know how I can go on living knowing that I have done this.

Last year, round about Autumn time, I'd hazard a guess and say late October or early November, I don't know for certain. I went onto my old high school's website (I'm 23 and left school in 2010 when I was 15) to look at the gallery that frequently gets updated, I go on occasionally just for curiosity's sake and also to see if there are any pictures of the two hot teachers that taught me. While looking through I came across an album that was titled 'Senior Xmas Dance' and clicked on, I looked through and it was pictures of boys and girls in suits and dresses. I don't know if it's because of my POCD or just my OCD in general, but I have a lot of doubt as to why I was on there in the first place. I'm pretty sure I was masturbating to porn beforehand, but like any porn and masturbation addict, I didn't want to rush and wanted to take my time. Maybe I wanted to see a picture of one of the teachers, I can't remember.

However, I ended up masturbating to one or two of the pictures of the high school students, one picture in particular I know I definitely looked at, but I can't remember if I looked at any others. I didn't ejaculate, I 'looked' at the picture for a short while but then clicked off cause it just wasn't doing anything for me. The thing that's really upsetting me is that I have recently found out that the students were all 4th, 5th and 6th years. In Scotland that means they would all have been between the ages of 14 and 17 (18 is also a possibility but unlikely). Now in the UK the age of consent is 16, so if the girls in the picture were 16+ then it's not too bad, but what if they were underage? And even if they were 16+, how can I be sure that I didn't masturbate to other pictures of potentially younger students? Why did I think this was okay when I did it? Because I didn't feel any guilt or shame back then and yet now it seems like hands down the worst thing in the world and I just feel an incredible amount of shame for having done it in the first place. Did I not know that they might have been underage, did I see 'Senior' and just assume that they were all over the age of 16 or am I secretly a pedophile? Or did I know they might have been underage and just not see the harm in it?

I am really sorry for the length of this post but I had to get it all off my chest, it's really upsetting me and causing a lot of distress. How can I honestly go on living knowing I have done this? What would happen to me if people ever found this out? My family and friends? I feel like I should just kill myself because I don't know how I will ever get over this. I've been crying non stop lately because of it

Please help me someone!

 

Hey AtomicTango thanks for your reply. Like I said I would go onto the site just to see if I could get a glimpse of the two hot teachers that were (and I think still are) at the school, that was it. Although my OCD is now telling me that I was going to see pictures of kids I know this probably is quite a grey area for you and maybe a lot of people on here, to be honest I don't know what kind of response I will get and that scares me. I don't know what your 'process' is/was when you looked/look at porn but I often look at several different videos and sometimes pictures, I don't tend to just pull up a video and finish in a few minutes, it's usually a lengthy process. If I remember correctly I had several porn videos in different tabs as well and I've maybe seen that picture(s) and just went for it, but I honestly don't know what I was thinking when I did it and that scares me as well. Why did I think it was okay to do that in the first place? Even if I didn't ejaculate, why did I do that? I'm pretty sure this is real event OCD, feeling extreme guilt and shame over a past mistake, but I don't know for certain.

I have my first CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) session in a few days so I'll speak to my therapist about it and hopefully overcome it. Thank you for replying.

 

I went on with the intention of seeing the teachers, not even to masturbate to them, just to see if I could get a look at them and see what they look like now. My OCD causes me to doubt all these things though, it tells me 'Yeah yeah yeah, we all know that you went on there to see pictures of teenage girls'. And that's when I become depressed and suicidal. I was reading through other topics on this forum about guys who have watched child porn and I feel that I am just as bad as them. Am I as bad as them? I feel that I need to be punished for having done this, even though I didn't know what age they were, my memory is hazy on it but I'm pretty sure I read 'Senior Xmas Dance' and just assumed that they would all be 16 or 17 and yeah that's still fucking weird cause at the end of the day it's high school students but it's still better than 14/15 year olds. I can't believe I've done this

 

Well I've had OCD for a while now, it started initially with homosexual OCD which was probably started because I watched transsexual and gay porn and started questioning my sexuality. Then I ended up getting intrusive thoughts were I would imagine myself doing violent and sometimes sexual things with family members and stuff of that ilk. It was really tough but I eventually accepted that it was just thoughts and that your thoughts do not define who you are. Late December last year I had an intrusive thought involving a child and the anxiety hit me like a ton of bricks and that's been me ever since. But every time I get over one obsession another one pops up. Real event OCD has caused me to feel extreme guilt and shame over all sorts of stuff, small things and big things. Other people would be able to forgive themselves for having done this, shit I imagine there's guys out there who have done worse and forgiven themselves, maybe there are guys who masturbated to the Stanley Kubrick film Lolita, but didn't realise the actress was only 14 at the time of filming and they can probably say, 'Oh shit I didn't realise! Oh well, live and learn. I wonder what I should have for dinner tonight.' I suppose the only thing I have on my side is that I didn't realise the potential age of the girls in the picture, although I still don't know what age they were to be fair, they might have been 16/17. The problem is that I can't remember the exact picture I looked at, there's one that sticks out more than most, so I don't know.

All I can say is thank you so much for replying to my message and not being judgemental. There are medications that help with OCD yes and I will speak to my therapist about them when I see him in a few days time.

 

No your right I definitely am. People don't realise that OCD is more than just someone having to make sure their house is exceptionally tidy, that's one very small part of it. There are people who suffer from all types of obsessions and unfortunately I have been given a whole barrel load of horrific ones, they are all horrible of course but POCD in particular is arguably the most disturbing type of OCD that you can get. I know that I am probably gonna keep feeling a deep sense of shame and guilt over this and it doesn't matter how I try and rationalize it, 'You didn't know their ages, you didn't cum, you stroked a few times, didn't find it enjoyable and moved on to watch porn instead, forgive yourself and get on with your life', it doesn't matter how many times I do it. I will get the odd moment of clarity were I will realise that it was just a stupid mistake, probably brought on from years of masturbating and porn addiction and in a moment of madness it was just something to do. But then there are moments of real darkness were suicide seems like my only option.

What's kind of funny as well is that I'm not really into young girls. When I say that I mean of legal consensual age of course. I typically like women in their 20's and have a particular fondness for women in their 30's and 40's.

 

Do you think my porn and masturbation addiction is involved in this in anyway? I don't know, like clouding my judgement or something?

 

Thank you for yet another excellent reply AtomicTango. Yeah anxiety and depression are horrible things. I'm struggling with this again today unfortunately. It was the first thing that popped into my head when I woke up this morning and straight away I started to get anxiety because of it.

Hey Pharaoh! I'll send you a PM just now, thanks for your post, good to know I am not alone!

 

Thank you so much! Really appreciate it!

 

Sorry, just wanted to boost this thread. Would really appreciate getting as much input and advice from as many forum members as possible.

Thanks guys