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I don't know if I can really love any more

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by realsawyer, May 4, 2018.

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  1. May 4, 2018 #1
    realsawyer

    realsawyer Fapstronaut

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    Hello guys.

    Please let me tell you my short story:

    I am 25, and have been an addict for 15 years. At the beginning I would watch just some very basic porn. But curiosity led me further and further. Later curiosity turned into a need. When wanking 3 times a day, basic lesbian stuff wasn't enough. I've watched really deep shit to get the orgasm. For now, I can say I've seen everything in porn (besides child porn).

    I've been struggling with anxiety for the past couple years. I treated myself with psychotherapy, but I never realize it might be connected to porn addiction. This march I came up with this community of people doing rehab. I learnt how destructive porn is. Even though I try to quit several times in the past, I was always unsuccessful. This time I really have a proper motivation. I feel like I'm doing great, having almost 2 months behind me without porn. Before, my greatest score was 2 weeks. And It was extremely hard. This time, it's much easier. But that's not the issue.

    Strangely, a week after I began my rehab, I met a girl. She seemed to be way above my league. But I tried anyway. It worked out. We dated. I couldn't believe. I never had a girlfriend in my life before. Up from that day (April 1st) I started feeling weird. I feel like I'm dreaming all the time. Like this things aren't real. I can't create fresh memories any more. I don't remember basic facts that occured between us. I don't feel the atmosphere of our first kiss, what we talked about, and the music in the background. I don't know what goes on with me.

    My girlfriend told me her story. She's been through some serious shit. Her ex'es treated her like shit. And she cared for them anyway. One of them left her 2 weeks before wedding. She got serious anxiety, and other health problems. A lot of them. She came back home, and then she met me.

    I feel soooo sory for her I couldn't even begin to express. I want to be the guy she deserves, and give her everything she needs. But at the same time I don't feel like I love her. I mean the kind of butterflies in the stomach and stuff. She looks beautiful at times, but also totally unattractive other times. We have a couple subjects we can discuss a lot, but we differ in many other. I'm wondering if that's how love is? I keep looking at other girls around, and I regret she doesn't have better legs, or butt, like them. I think too much about future. Like I will never be with other girl, more beautiful, and better matched in terms of character. At the same time I know that she will be loyal to me for the rest of my life - that's the kinda girl she is. And she will love me. And that's very important quality.

    One more aspect. At the beginning of our relationship I cared a lot for her. I'd take her everywhere, bought her everything, and do anything for her. Now, I just want to spend time on her laps, or have sex with her. I can't get myself to move my ass anywhere. She expects me to go to the park, take a walk, or go cycling. But I so much can't force myself to do so. I lost interest in so many activities I liked doing. I realized most of them I did only to present myself to be attractive to girls. Since I no longer need to, I don't bother doing it any more.

    My biggest fear is that porn made me a huge egoist. That I won't be able to commit to other person ever any more. Thus, it made being in a relationship impossible for me. I am wondering if the rehab is at least partialy responsible for the way I feel right now. Will it pass? Can I trully love? Please help!
     
    realsawyer, May 4, 2018
    realsawyer, May 4, 2018
    #1
    u376 likes this.
  2. May 4, 2018 #2
    GreekGuy

    GreekGuy New Fapstronaut

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    A) Love isnt just a feeling. Its a choice to commit to a person even if your feelings(simple chemicals) dont agree.
    Love is a choice, you dont fall in love, you fall in sexual attraction.

    B) No, I dont think you ll be able to truly love as you would without porn. Im at the same stage
     
    GreekGuy, May 4, 2018
    GreekGuy, May 4, 2018
    #2
    u376 likes this.
  3. May 4, 2018 #3
    immadothis

    immadothis Fapstronaut

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    but mine I didn't choose, it just happen to me and if I could undone it I would because I see other girls that are good looking and they in love in me, so I rather be in love with them but I just am not, and I never had the courage to ask the girl out or tell my feelings, I just don't dare but I bet I can ask girls in the streets or others easy out, it's just love isn't funny it is surious, but yeah I just didn't have the courage, but this highschool shit, but trust me if y'all be patient, eventually you will feel some connection, but love is different tho
     
    immadothis, May 4, 2018
    immadothis, May 4, 2018
    #3
  4. May 4, 2018 #4
    Headspace

    Headspace Fapstronaut

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    That's hollywood, not reality.

    The test of time is the greatest there can be, and if you are serious about what you write here, it could be that the two of you would make a great couple.

    That's an important insight. You will need to redefine yourself and find a perspective on what you like to do. Do you think you became attractive to her because of the activities you did, or was it because of other things?

    What you experience is quite common for people who have never been in relationships: You yearn for love, but when you have it, you don't want it anymore. Grass is always greener on the other side, isn't it? But if you broke up with her now, how do you know it would be different with the next woman? Do you want to try? I had an awesome (even sexy) girlfriend years ago, but when I decided there was another, more attractive one, who I truly loved, I broke up with her. That one turned out to be a complete psychological wreck and now I've been single for four years. Want to follow my example?

    I agree partially with both A) and B). Because of the noncommittal freedom of choice we have nowadays (other than in the past when you had to marry soon) you should make sure there is enough attraction between the two of you, but yes, be aware that it is a conscious choice whether you start a relationship or not. There will be critical situations, and attraction alone will not make the relationship work. Moreover, I believe your ability to love will come back, but it might take some time. Quitting PMO is only the first step, you also have got to get rid of all your illusions regarding sexuality which are associated with it.
     
    Headspace, May 4, 2018
    Headspace, May 4, 2018
    #4
    CowardlyLion likes this.
  5. May 4, 2018 #5
    realsawyer

    realsawyer Fapstronaut

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    Thank you all for posting. I feel stronger with your support.

    Nope. I think she got into me so much because I seemed to be the only one that cared for her, and treated her with respect and dignity. After all she's been through, she needed that most. It's funny however, how little she is attracted by all those activities I've learnt just to impress women.
     
    realsawyer, May 4, 2018
    realsawyer, May 4, 2018
    #5
  6. May 11, 2018 #6
    g2stop

    g2stop Fapstronaut

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    I find the same sort of thing and I am hoping that my reboot will help to fix it
     
    g2stop, May 11, 2018
    g2stop, May 11, 2018
    #6
  7. May 16, 2018 #7
    가브리엘

    가브리엘 New Fapstronaut

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    The best way to find out if she is the right for you is to question yourself: "Do I want to eventually marry that girl one day?" If the answer is no, then you are just losing time with her instead of meeting new girls who might actually be for you. Note that there is no such thing as a special soul mate, the only one girl that will make you happy for the rest of the life. The truth is there can be more than one out there! When in relationship, you both grow together in love, understanding and sacrifice one for another. The love shifts with time from physical attraction to deeper emotional attraction. If you don't see any growth in mutual love and care for each other, then it's probably not a true love.
     
    가브리엘, May 16, 2018
    가브리엘, May 16, 2018
    #7
  8. May 19, 2018 #8
    LookUp

    LookUp Fapstronaut

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    Here is two cents from an old guy that relates to much of what you say. It sounds like you are trying to rescue this girl as she is very needy from her past experience. Rescue yourself first and you will meet someone on your level then. In a room full of people I would always be attracted to women that ended up being as screwed up as I am. After a lot of 12 step work in AA that got a lot better and I married a great gal. The only problem is I was still addicted to porn. Over the 13 years we've been together I started looking a progressively harder porn of all genres. I was getting close to acting out one of my kinks when I stopped. Now that seems totally disgusting to think about. P was changing my sexuality. There is no doubt in ny mind I would have done something I would regret if I had not come to this site when I did.
    Thank God I didn't lose my lovely wife over it.
     
    LookUp, May 19, 2018
    LookUp, May 19, 2018
    #8

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