I don't know what's real anymore

Hi friend, the book that I got the most out of (so far) was Patrick Carne's groundbreaking 1983 book, "Out of the Shadows". One thing I got out of it: Two main lies we men believe is "My needs are never going to be met if I depend on other people" and "Sex is my most important need"; instead it needs to be "My needs can be met by others if I let them know my need" and "Sex is but one expression of my need and care for others".

Alas, you are incorrect. These programs are free of charge. Yup, free of charge. And they are self-organized, and of course YMMV with any particular group in your area. Suggest you go with an open mind, and try a few. The reason they are free is because they are run by recovering addicts, for recovering addicts.

Yes that one may not be feasible for you now.

But you can find an Accountability Partner, there’s a forum dedicated to that here. At the top of this webpage is a link to the weekly NoFap support groups, it is a modest $20/mo and I am there on Thursday nights. You can find low-cost (and for an AP, that’s no-cost) person-to-person help and communication and connection.

Whatever porn or other sexual acting out, it thrives in your isolation and loneliness and aloneness. In the presence of other men who are like you, in the past addicted and enslaved by our emotions and sexual desire and our shame and our fears now banding together to bring it all into the light, so we can just leave it all behind.

I don’t need to read research on dopamine receptor saturation or how the hormonal imbalance means my frontal cortex has been modified. I need real people to connect with, to sympathize with, to cheer on, to share the struggles.

 

The one I'm looking into myself (found a number of them close to where I live, and will likely attend the first one this weekend) is www.saa-recovery.org.

And hey, if you need an AP, I'll volunteer. I'm only 29 days into being porn-free, and am happy to help out. I'll send you a 'Conversation' (this site's equivalent to a DM).

 

I also recommend that book. But it's not a traditional book, it's a workbook, intended to be done slowly and intentionally with discussions about your answers.

 

There is a version that is a workbook; however I was referring to the 1983 original.

@I'm trying to change it's time you lived up to your online handle: not only try to change, but to actually effect change.

It is up to you, whether you want to change or not. No one can choose for you, and no one can do it for you. But if you want to change (and becoming porn and masturbation-free is really hard, almost impossible to do on your own) you will need a community of others, primarily men who can help you, to do it.

 

If you didn't get to drop it then you can't say that it doesn't work.
Your life is not magically rearanged by staying away from porn and masturbation, that's just illogical. Maybe understandable with the glasses of emotions. But it does something to you. If you are already lacking self esteem and self confidence, struggling with hormonal or emotional issues (and using it too much to feel better) or you don't have a sexual life because of it then yes, it will cut your progress in life, most likely.
I started meditating and doing a lof more of new shit alongside dropping PMO and then experienced some degree of changes. PMO isn't the only thing with influence here. Try it fully, for at least 3/4 months (if you're heavilly conductively addicted then a lot more of time) and then if you just don't see any change then well, maybe that wasn't the issue and you're right.

 

Well I took some time to read all the posts here. You definitely need some help on rearanging your tought process.
If you can get off yourself for a while, or imagining another person, figure you/it actually saying and believeing the words "I CANT DO IT!". Isn't it only natural that the person can't actually do it?. You have to change your beliefs, maybe the most challenging thing a human being can do, spiritually, mentally speaking.

Idk, that is some revelation a therapist shared with me and I began to apply into my life. Maybe it can get you somewhere. You are not your toughts. Which means you can change and use them for your advantage, or you can use them for destroying yourself. God or the universe or life, or you alone, lets you do as you please. Don't expect any magical change from above.

 

You know decades ago I listened to a remarkable audio series (for you young people out there, there was something called a 'cassette tape' and these things were put into other things called 'Walkmans') called Lead the Field, by Earl Nightingale. (Headed to YT, brb...) 9Yup, the entire 3+ hours is available if there's interest.) I must have listened to this series ten or fifteen times, it was so interesting. One thing he said is "you are what you think about", and that has stuck with me.

A few years ago my spouse (bless her heart) got very excited about Carol Dweck's work and a book she wrote called 'Mindset'. The TLDR; of this one: you either have a fixed mindset, or a growth mindset. Plenty of examples, I didn't bother reading that one, I'm on the growth path. Of course this is all while I'm off- and on-again with a porn and masturbation addiction, call it high-functioning or what-you-will, becoming PMO-free for the remainder of my life is the next step of growth.

Lastly a book I'm going to read (again) is one that had a powerful effect on me in my mid-20's, and that is 'The Road Less Traveled' by M. Scott Peck. The section on 'Truth' will always be with me - the metaphor of a mental map of the world and how things work psychologically, how much suffering we face when reality doesn't match our map of truth, and the work involved in changing the map to relieve the suffering, is totally worth the few dollars and several hours spent reading and learning about this. The section on 'Grace' is also remarkable - how true love is expressed in the investing of our time and energy in the growth of others.

@greenishmoon nails it, this is the most challenging thing a human can do. We believe what we want to, about ourselves and the world. Only the individual can choose to change, no one else can do it for you, @I'm trying to change you can only change for your own reasons and not anyone elses'.

In your original post you've laid out all the compelling reasons to change very clearly. It's pretty convincing enough for me! However whether you are willing to pay the price, is all up to you.

 

Matt Dobschuetz (over on his excellent Porn Free Radio) has a saying he picked up from a listener: "Take hope, and take action."

It is notable (and instructive) to read journals of others here on NoFap.com who have struggled for years, and continue to struggle given their day counters being reset regularly. It's like my own life history of off-and-on again pornography usage chronicled without any fundamental learning, without any change, because there isn't any learning from the failures, nor any actions as a result of those failures.

The very definition of insanity: trying the same things over and over, and expecting a different result. ‍(Shrugged shoulders emoji doesn't render correctly.)

(I believe Einstein said that.)

 

Masturbating isn't normal at all. Society has programmed all of us to think that porn is okay and it isn't a big deal because we aren't hurting anyone, but it really destroys your life. If you masturbate and look at porn, you are weird. Really think about it, picture someone who masturbates and looks at porn every week. They are weird. They aren't normal.

 

What does it hurt to just stop masturbation and use that energy for positive things. I'm sure you'll feel better and more hopeful. Porn is drugs to the brain my man. Isn't it obvious? How much better do you feel when you actually retain your own juice.. answer honestly. You don't need as much sleep, you feel more alive, you have an abundance of energy, you feel motivated, its all positive. Wouldn't you want to be a real man and look good and feel good?

 

I've heard that 70% of men don't have an issue at all using porn. That's from the book "men disconnected" from "philip zimbardo" - a sexual psychologist.
You are just in the 30% of other men, that have issues.

Would the men in the 70% bracket benefit from rejecting porn? Sure. But the affect on them is not strong enough for them to even consider that hard step.
The men on this forum (including me) are benefiting greatly from abstinence of porn. It gives you the ability to find the underlying problem, why porn had an affect on you in the first place. That issue is what you have to eventually deal with - not the porn addiction itself.
That's my humble opinion.

Cheers.

 

It's like cigarretes.