I don't know where to begin once again.

I'm more than lost these past few days. I went back to my parents for the lockdown, and it's just as if my 5 years ago self came back with me. I feel foggy, unable to clearly think. I'm lost in everything. I question the person I am, the person I thought I was. Find out that my whole life is a lie. That even if I have made improvement, it's still not enough.
I write, I draw, I exercise, I eat healthy... what more can I do. How can I find that inner rage, that will give me the strength to achieve the goal to quit PMO. Will I ever be at peace with myself? Will I ever feel free?
I wish I could go back on that very day, 10 years ago, and say to myself : "Don't do it, just don't, it will ruin your life." I wish I had listen to my parents, who told me pornography was harmful. I wish I hadn't find out, by erasing my internet history, that my dad to had the same problem. I wish that instead of being angry at him for being such a liar, and a hypocrite, I went to him to tell him how I felt about this. I wish everything to be different. But now here I am, years later still struggling agains the very thing that ruined my life, and my most beautiful years.
I'd love to say, that those things are behind me, that even if I regret it they made me grow, they're a part of who I am now. But these are things you can only say, when you're free from them, when you're at piece with yourself.

So I don't know whether you'll read that post, cause it's too long, or because I'm not the only one feeling like that. But I want to stop. I really want. And I need help. I may begin today, I may begin tomorrow or the day after... I just don't have the motivation anymore. I'm tired.