I dont know where to post this.

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by Cmv120, Nov 5, 2018.

  1. Cmv120

    Cmv120 Fapstronaut

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    My reason for posting here because when I relapse I get literally SO ANGRY that I have thoughts of murdering people and/or suicide in order to be taken away from this world. I get this feeling in my body where everything is tense, and I have to break things. Last night I SCREAMED as loud as I could. and I just simply HAD TO. Last night I punched myself in the head multiple times and I cried. Today I tried to do pull ups and push ups in order to make the anger go away but it won't leave. I just literally want to strangle someone. I want to hurt people very very badly. I was literally imagining going in to my roommates bedroom and strangling him to until he died (VERY VERY VIVID IMAGINATION AND STRONG URGE TO ACT)

    I was trying to make my bed this morning and I got so angry at it that I punched my bed for about 5 minutes straight. I have this tight feeling in my chest and my breath is very short, and it hurts to breath deeper because my chest is so tight. I feel like I could run for days and it wouldn't change anything. I was again thinking about suicide as well. I had this thought in my mind that said "Im just going to buy a gun when my money comes through since I dont have what it takes to hang myself" and I've been imagining asking my boss and some people at work things like "Have you ever thought about suicide?" or "I you were to commit suicide, how would you do it?"

    I work with knives and I have also been thinking about stabbing/ cutting my coworkers and also the customers... I dont want to be like this... PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME. I can't talk to anyone about this because I will be committed or lose my job :(
     
  2. Call a hotline this is nothing to play with.
    Also get some help on a regular basis.
    We want to see you recover. After you get started on those two things come back here.
    You can do those two things brother.
     
  3. SirErnest

    SirErnest Fapstronaut

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    Yeah you need to go and see someone right now man. Maybe even the police. You simply must not hurt other people, you know this is wrong. Plus it sounds like your roommate is in danger.
    Well done for writing your post.
    Go to a mental health professional or your doctor right now. Or hospital.
     
  4. countitjoy5

    countitjoy5 Fapstronaut

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    Anger and depression have a lot to do with thwarted expectations. What is your thought process that proceeds your desire to harm others or self-harm? PMO will definitely exacerbate it and make the anger issue worse. The imaginations are something you choose to conjure in order to feel control, but what are you allowing to make you feel out of control? Also, who are you holding resentments and unforgiveness towards because these feelings usually get worse due to your inability to let hurts go and forgive others.
     
    Jennica likes this.
  5. Omega.

    Omega. Fapstronaut

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    Ted Bundy may really have had a point when he said said "sex made me do it".
    :eek::confused:

    I recommend seeing a psychiatrist. The police won't be such a good idea- not until you seek mental help first (you know...before physical help).
     
  6. SirErnest

    SirErnest Fapstronaut

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    A&E/Emergency Room? Sounds like immediate action is required.
     
  7. BravelyKegger

    BravelyKegger Fapstronaut

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    i understand where you are coming from, the disappointment of relapsing and failing is soul crushing, it makes that demon inside of you go crazy and thrash about. You got this man, dont give up now because if you do than you will feel like this every single day, and you dont want to do anything youll regret. Come on ill be your ap partner, im on day 7 and im shooting for 100, commit to this and me and you will see the end of this together. So dont go giving up on me because im counting on you now, i wont let you down either, so make your infinite vow and lets do this!.
     
  8. Omega.

    Omega. Fapstronaut

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    2525 and Beamer were dealing with issues on another thread where a person was about to commit suicide. I was on that very thread.

    I recommend you apply an ice pack on your balls and think b4 u tag random mods.
     
    set_me_free likes this.
  9. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    Get professional help now, there is no shame. I work with victims of domestic and sexual violence and we have protocols in dealing with suicide/homicide situations. If you can, get to a doctor, or get to a hospital and commit yourself if you are scared you will do harm to yourself and others. You will be able to get help, medication if needed, and therapy sessions. Please be safe and take steps to getting help. There are always hotlines to call:

    National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

    Call 1-800-273-8255
    Available 24 hours everyday
     
  10. Omega.

    Omega. Fapstronaut

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    Scroll up. You'll notice i happened to be here before you :D

    The rest is TLDR.
     
  11. Omega.

    Omega. Fapstronaut

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    You got a sick fetish daddy.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  12. Rehab101

    Rehab101 Fapstronaut

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    Get psychiatrist to help please. Some times you need drugs to regulate some chemical imbalance in the body. Actually I recommend everyone to get some mental health check every now and then. Mind is a powerful thing. It is good to keep it in check.
     
  13. Cmv120

    Cmv120 Fapstronaut

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    Not going to lie, you guys' bickering is not very helpful.

    I told my boss a little about where I was at in my mind (I have an amazing boss and work family) and she is looking into finding me a cheap therapist. Im very blessed.

    I have a history of suicidal and homicidal thoughts in my life. I have witnessed someone try to kill my mother, and even had someone put a knife up to my own throat. As well as years of domestic violence fueled by alcoholism. So those thoughts are a "familiar" occurrence because I had them a lot when my father and I were literally strangling each other, but sometimes when they hit its like the first time... If you know what I mean.

    At a certain point in my life I chose to never physically fight with my dad or entertain those types of thoughts, but at times they come in full force.. I am better today. The person I was thinking about is actually a good friend and I felt much remorse and sadness for having those thoughts. I didn't show my face for a day while I brought myself back to normal... It wasn't even slightly a personal resentment, but some strange defensive mechanism that my brain configured in the moment. I followed up by telling some people IRL about the thoughts.

    For now I am avidly working towards finding a porn blocker that will work on my computer so that when the next moment of weakness occurs I will have some time to come back to my senses.

    You guys stop acting like idiots.
     
    freedomwarrior and kropo82 like this.
  14. Cmv120

    Cmv120 Fapstronaut

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    Yeah I know you are, I just saw you and whoever else going back and forth and I was like "fucking come on" lmao.

    Yesterday I skipped out on all the things I typically do to make myself feel better (go to the gym, make my bed, clean my room, meditate, guitar, etc etc) and I really just watched a lot of porn to be honest. It made me feel like shit.

    But today I woke up and said FUCK THAT and I cleaned my bed and played my guitar... Then went to the gym. And I came back and cleaned up my house. Today I feel a lot better. But Im not going to get cocky. Im trying to devote to the "no matter what"/"no more excuses" mindset and I know that its not going to be easy.
     
    freedomwarrior and set_me_free like this.
  15. sparkywantsnoPMO

    sparkywantsnoPMO NoFap Moderator & Yeoman
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    Ghostwriter,

    I did not receive a message from you on Monday notifying me of this.

    Very Respectfully,
    SparkywantsnoPMO.
     
  16. sparkywantsnoPMO

    sparkywantsnoPMO NoFap Moderator & Yeoman
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    That’s not a message. I do not have the resources to monitor every thread on the site at all times. I do respond to reports and PMs as resources are available. That would never have made it to me.
     
  17. Cmv120

    Cmv120 Fapstronaut

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    I’m doing alright today. I’ve started getting linked up with a therapist today and we are scheduling our first appointment. Today I did little bit but nothing special. Read my reasons for NoFap, wrote a couple down, did some ab work outs. Now I’m about to go to work..

    I have this crazy headache though and I’m just praying to god that it goes away.
     
    freedomwarrior likes this.
  18. Cmv120

    Cmv120 Fapstronaut

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    What the hell is wrong with you.
     
  19. Actaeon

    Actaeon Fapstronaut

    I'm just curious: do you have any idea how wildly inappropriate all your comments on this thread have been? Everyone else is having a serious discussion about what is potentially a life or death situation, and then there's you, doing whatever the hell it is you're doing. I don't want to dissuade you from getting support from the community, but I feel like maybe you're in the wrong place for your current level of maturity.
     
  20. sparkywantsnoPMO

    sparkywantsnoPMO NoFap Moderator & Yeoman
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    As stated in the forum rules, please contact us via the reporting system or via [email protected].
     

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